I Can't Afford to Die

I want to share my experience and thought process with the online community since some of you may relate.

It is not the fear of dying or what you suggest. I really can't afford to do this now. No, it's not that I am young enough for this, but I have a long list of fulfilments.

I have many responsibilities, lives on me to settle, and many wishes to attain.

So, here is the story behind the thought. One day, I woke up feeling unwell. As most of the other days, I was alone at home, my husband was on tour due to some work, and my son was at a hostel.

I am deeply satisfied with my family. My hubby is caring and loving, and my son is very decently managing his teenage. Both were in their daily routine, and I also finished my online work.

Usually, after household work, I keep myself busy with writing and reading. It is no different day either, still, I am feeling low from the inside. I do not have any significant health issues, no such common problems like BP, sugar, or thyroid. Yeah, sometimes I do have digestive issues. I thought this may be the reason for feeling low.

Dealing with it in the afternoon, I found no courage left till evening. My stomach was upset, and then came a persistent thought- what if something happens? I distracted myself from the notion by repeating my medication. Still, there was no improvement after two doses.

Like any other person, I was feeling lonely, sad, and in pain due to fever and stomach ache. However, my husband was in constant touch, calling me now and then from the inn between the meetings, giving advice and saying- "I am far enough to reach, take care, and I can ask some friends for help if you want."

As usual, I was in denial mode. Mostly, I do not want to trouble anyone till I find myself handling the situation. I lie down on a bed, close my eyes, and suddenly, something like a ball of energy inside me starts pushing me from inside with full force as if it wants to come out. With full force and energy, it first rolls itself to different body parts. From heart to brain, then shoulders to back, abdomen to the leg, taking just a few seconds to reach and explore every body part.

I was sweating like anything. I clenched my bedsheet tightly and started taking a deep breath, and the moment when I felt my spirit want to come out of my body. I shouted in my brain - NO-NO, I CAN'T AFFORD TO DIE NOW!

Still, after such a horrible experience, I didn't even say I didn't want to die, I said I couldn't afford to die now. Dieing is the eternal truth, I am aware of it. Suddenly, within minutes, I was back to normal (needless to say), full of lethargy, but the rolling ball of energy had reached back to the position in the heart, well settled as it felt!

I was in total shock - what was that? Did I have a minor heart attack? Or is it due to dehydration that I have been facing since morning? Whatever it was, I just felt the DEATH!

Lying on the bed without moving to any position, I closed my eyes. Tears were rolling out continuously, though I was not in pain but thinking- how is my life either? I can't even afford to die? or is it human nature? Feeling the burden of responsibilities, when and how to fulfill it? Is it a never-ending thing, or am I the only one facing these situations?

Besides having a lovely supportive family, financial matters, future planning, unfulfilled desires, and societal responsibilities are all rolling through my mind like a roller coaster.

Apart from having a positive mindset, I find myself stuck with this thought. I face rough situations with courage, deal with financial crises without letting others know about this, and fulfill the needs of a family.

I keep my desires to myself as I don't want to overburden my husband. He is already making a lot of effort to emerge out of the situation. He is a strong man, facing the situation like a warrior, but sometimes he breaks down and needs a shoulder to rest for a while to face the same circumstances the following day with the hope that it will soon end. I am with him always.

With this thought still prevailing in my mind (I can't afford to Die), I anticipate sharing it with someone, but with whom? I finally bring this to the conclusion that why not with an online community? Maybe some are dealing with these notions.

My son is single and not big enough to deal with life now, I have to build him strong and independent. My hubby has not attained any of his wishes. I want to give him life without any tension so that he can enjoy his glass of drink without worries. My extended family needs me to stand at every family occasion and consign my life to elders and loved ones, and I want to be YES to all of them, wants to acknowledge my presence through compassion. Holding back for that part of life to happen, trying hard to make this dream come true.

I believe one day, all our difficulties will be gone, and we will accept DEATH and say - okay now I can finally rest and lie in peace forever & ever.

Share your thoughts! Join me if your are the one with same feelings.