I am a Cat Mom

While I have always been around cats and had a family cat. I never owned my own until I got Neroli.

Neroli is quite the character. He's only 2 years old, so we have plenty of time together. And well it hasn't been a year yet, I feel like I've had him forever. He fits in well with my life and he has healed some parts of me I didn't know needed healing. But I know I have yet to unlock everything about him. Even though he is a talkative, energetic, and loving cat, he still manages to surprises me with some of his quirks. So I know there must be a lot more.

And even though I really enjoy having him around, I do worry. I worry that I am not doing the best for him. That he should have gotten a mama that was less depressed, one that could be home more with him, had energy to always play with him and so on. While he has two brothers and a sister (yes my household has four cats), I worry that he's not getting enough play since he's younger. Or I worry that maybe they aren't getting along as well as they could be and maybe should be by now. I guess I worry I am not enough for him, and that's always been one of my flaws.

I constantly worry I am not enough for other people, other roles in my life and even for myself. I constantly will find a flaw in my own self. Be the first to critic my work for being stupid. And let my brain build the agreement without ever looking at the things I have been able to do. I will take myself out of my own wants before I can some how mess it up or fail. And it even extends to my cat. Who has shown me more then enough times that he loves me and is likely very happy I rescued him from the shelter. But I suppose the point is, I don't talk to myself in a positive way, and as such I struggle to find the good things about myself and my life. And I want that to stop.

I want to stop speaking badly to myself. I don't want to talk myself down from writing because I'm not good at it. How am I suppose to become a better writer and one day write a novel if I don't write? I should give up dance, I'm not good enough. My leg extensions will never be perfect, My body isn't the right shape, and I'm already 28... it goes down hill from here if I'm not good now. No one will want to date me I am broken. I'm not good enough to be their friend. And countless of other phases and sentences will go through my head. All in an effort to get me to stop trying. And it's exhausting. Especially when you are trying to manage your mental health, heal your past trauma, and live life.

Which I am trying to do. I want to live a life I can enjoy. One that makes me happy, instead of always chasing after something I don't need to achieve. I don't have to have the traditional life, and it is not the measure of my success. And as much as I hate to admit it, 28 is still young and I have a lot of time to still find a life I want. And I am still allowed to fall. I have to give up this narrative that I should have already figured life out, and should be happy. While I agree when they say life is short.... I also don't need to run into things. I am allowed to be slow. Because at the end of the day this is my journey and only I can write rules. No one else is going to be the same as me, and comparing myself endlessly isn't healthy. And I want to be healthy in so many ways. Because well I want to race into getting into a relationship, finding the perfect job or lifestyle. I also really enjoy the independent life I am currently living in and how it has allowed me for much healing and personal growth. I get to find myself again and figure out how to deconstruct some past ideologies. Which in the long run is going to help me stay rooted in myself and have a good life. So I have to teach myself how to talk to myself better. Rewrite how I see things and let go of what I cannot control.

And the first step is learning to talk well to myself. Learning how to see what my good things are. Like how I am kind, that I am really good at picking up new dances, and how I have been noticed for my writing. So as cliche as it is. I really do need to love myself to love anything else. And to also allow other people to love me. I guess maybe in one way I'm growing again. But It's a long road to go and I hope it allows this to become a part 2. in where I can share what I've learned while speaking kindly to myself.... and about being a cat mum.