How Things Went From Wonderful to Terrifying...
A Domestic Violence Story... Part 5
In 2019, my ex and I had child support court so we could adjust for the fact that Rayne was no longer legally my ex's child and afterwards my ex asked if I wanted to go eat lunch on his dime as a way to say "No hard feelings and let's work together from here on out." so I did. This small thing, almost cost me my marriage to Wade. It caused the biggest fight we'd ever had as I was told I knew better than to do something like that. It was common knowledge between myself and Wade that he didn't believe that women and men could be just "friends". However, Wade had work friends that were women and that was okay because they worked together. I was asked if my ex and I had held hands on our way into the restaurant, was told repeatedly that if me and my ex loved each other that much we should just be together already and quit skirting around behind his back and my ex's wife's back, was spoken to as if I were no more than a common slut. All because I accepted an invitation to lunch...I tried to reason with Wade by telling him I wouldn't think anything of it if he and his ex wife went to lunch after court, that I had done it because I figured my ex owed me a lunch, that it literally meant nothing. He found out that I had asked my grandma whose house I was going to after court if she thought it was weird for me to be going to lunch with my ex and he said that was proof that I had a guilty conscious. I told him I was simply trying to check and see that it wasn't inappropriate because I didn't want to disrespect Wade. Wade literally didn't speak to me for days over this incident and when he did it was to let know how badly I'd messed up. I begged, I pleaded, I went to his work to plead my case and he yelled at me for going there because he said I had no right to go his place of business and disrupt his work day with my bullshit. I asked if he was going to leave me and he said he didn't know. After a few days when he'd had time to settle down he claimed he never said that and he knew that I wouldn't do anything to purposefully hurt him. During this whole ordeal, I had started a new job as a legal secretary and I was stressed to the max with worry on if I was going to lose my husband or not and since I never had any experience with anything "legal" I had no clue what I was doing and was stressing on if I'd made the right choice. I got to discuss none of this with Wade because he was not speaking with me. He never really asked anything about my new job other than "Do you like it?" It was the worst first day of a job in my life. However, this job turned out to be a God send in the end and I'm still there almost four years later. My grandmother told me after I told her that Wade said he wanted to stay with me that I had a choice to make too on whether or not I wanted to stay with him. My mind started to spin on the implications of that and what all that meant and could mean. I was letting him run the show and he had spoken to me rather awful during all that but ultimately I decided to let it go and give Wade another chance. It certainly wouldn't be his last. Time went on, my eyes started to open more and more to his abuse and his abuse of substances and alcohol. I still didn't leave. I thought we can fix this or maybe if I just ignore this, it'll eventually just get better. In 2020, there was an incident with my past traumas that triggered my depression and on top of what I was already dealing with I found I could no longer live with myself and no longer wanted to. I couldn't just leave my children to fend for themselves so I sought therapy. My therapist started to help me come out of the deep dark hole that I had fallen into and eventually I confessed to her that I was the wife of an alcoholic/drug addict and it was taking it's tole. Wade's drug of choice was alcohol and pills but he eventually started smoking weed as well which he had at one point told me he didn't like and then he got into harder things some of which I knew about and some I did not. Our lives got dark, very dark....Wade drank, took pills, smoked, raged, yelled, took his anger out on me and the children. He never hit us except with his words and those words could cut like a knife. I did not agree with how he punished the children as he would get angry and just go off. He would yell and rage, call the children names, berate and belittle them, tell them to suck it up, stop crying...etc. I started attending Al-Anon classes online and those helped me release some of the control I'd been trying to take back and realize that only Wade could fix Wade's problems. I could not fix them for him. I started discussing with Wade having demons in your closet and how we all have demons and how only we have the power with God's help to exorcise our own demons. By going to Al-Anon I was able to find some peace. I started researching things. Wade still wouldn't tell me much about his childhood but I used what little I had to go on plus his personality traits I'd observed and his addiction problems and started researching the psychology of everything that could have happened to him based on what I thought had happened in his past and what could be going on with his brain due to the addiction. I started seeking help from anyone I could find and watching videos from people who had been there and done that before me. In other words, I got smarter. I learned about boundaries in order to keep your sanity and establish some self worth in your own self and in order to help the addict take responsibility and own up to the damage they have caused in the wake of their addiction. Wade didn't like this one little bit and we fought more and more. In 2021, we went on our first week long vacation. Wade chose to hang out with NJ & LJ downstairs every night we were there and smoke and party and then he complained that we didn't make love the whole vacation. However, he literally didn't come to our bed until around 2 or 3 in the morning. Also, there was one morning where we were suppose to go to an attraction together as a family. He told me he couldn't go because he had a hangover. He knew I have driving anxiety about driving in big cities but he told me that I would have to take myself and the kids to the attraction or we couldn't go. I put on a brave face and dug deep and instead of disappointing the children I drove us to the attraction. The whole vacation we had to leave places when he was ready and stay at our cabin when he wasn't ready to go anywhere. The whole vacation revolved around Wade and what he felt like doing. I thought then, "This will be and is our first and last vacation." In November of 2021, we moved in with my father. That was the first time I left him.
About the Creator
Lindsey Altom
For me, writing runs in the blood. I've written songs, poems and short stories ever since I was a little girl. I mostly like to write about my life experiences mixed with a little fiction or just things that come off the top of my head!
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How Things Went From Wonderful to Terrifying...
My first few years living with Wade were not all awful of course because that is how I got blinded and eventually silenced unbeknownst to me at first. Each and every day was a different day and I learned over the years to watch Wade's body language and to pick up little hints and signs based off what was happening in our lives as to when I could and could not tell him something or what I could and could not say. I knew better and the children knew better than to bother dad right after he woke up as he required at least thirty minutes to an hour before you were allowed to ask any questions or request anything for the day from him. I mean most everyone is a little grumpy when they first wake up but Wade would simply start yelling at you if asked the wrong thing at the wrong time. After that though things were good. At first, Wade helped me around the house and made all the boys listen to me and we all worked together as a team. He told them to respect me because I was their mother/step mother. Wade knew that my love language is acts of service so he would help around the house as much as possible and he doted on my daughter all the time. He was so enthralled with her but he wouldn't take her anywhere with him alone until she was older perhaps around 4 because he always said he wouldn't be able to take care of a baby while out running errands. This always irritated me because I mean I took care of her while doing virtually everything everyday but he always made the excuse that he wasn't good with little kids by himself and he'd told me this from the start so I had no right to be mad. In the very beginning, it started being obvious that although I had a job I could tell that he liked me being home to take care of the house and the kids. I explained to him several times that for one being home all the time made me depressed and that I was a better mother with a job and also that we simply couldn't afford it. I did keep a job throughout our marriage but it always seemed to be something that caused a chip on his shoulder. At first, it seemed he didn't even like me going to hang out with family or friends but I made it clear that I would be going to see my family at least every other week as we had a standing meeting at my grandma's every other Saturday and I was and am very close with my father. He finally gave in a little concerning this but there was a time where I literally went 2 years not speaking to my two very best friends, my sisters because of various reasons but now I can see that one was because he wanted me isolated. I was to care for him, NJ, LJ, AJ and Rayne all day everyday and never focus on anyone else. Although, when we were out and about at a retail store or somewhere he'd always tell me that I never bought anything for myself and I should get something for myself, I always thought of everyone but me, I was so selfless... He was also always sure to tell me everyday that he loved me and that I was beautiful. He loved Rayne so much that he called her his daughter, said that since he had come along while I was still pregnant it was almost like he'd had a hand in helping "make" her and he felt like she was his. He even teared up when he came to see her for the first time after her birth. He even adopted her in 2018 although we both agreed that was the best thing to do we felt and at first Wade seemed excited to adopt Rayne when it came time to he did seem to drag his feet a bit. I wanted to get it done before she went to school so she would learn the right name to write down and although initially it had been his idea as much as mine for him to adopt her suddenly it seemed like "Well, what's the hurry?" but he did go through with it anyway. I now of course regret this decision but you live and you learn. My little Rayne was very sick during the first six months or so of her life and honestly she didn't have a good immune system for the first couple of years of her life and Wade was always supportive of all the time I had to take off work to be with her. However, he never wanted to take off time from his job to stay with her. He claimed it was because he made more so it made more sense for us to lose time from my job where I made less versus his where we could lose potentially more money from him not being there. Anytime I got upset about something or claimed something was unfair I was always told I was just being emotional or not looking at things from his perspective. I was dramatic and although he didn't say it you could tell that every time I cried he found it distasteful and unnecessary. He sometimes would even roll his eyes and say, "Again?" It got to where he did this with my daughter Rayne as well because as it turned out she was quite "emotional" too just like her mother. It became clear after a few years that I was there mostly to be a good wife and raise the children and that was my main purpose according to him. The boys NJ, LJ and I took time forming our bond as they were quite different from my son AJ as far as personality goes but eventually I grew to love those boys as my own. How could I not? Those boys had a rough childhood and it was just the beginning unfortunately. They had seen their mother with different men cheating on their father from what I'd been told, they'd been exposed to all their father's different girlfriends and apparently the party scene quite a bit. Granted, my father had had a few different girlfriends while I was growing up as well but if Wade was moving in with different ones that wasn't stable for the boys and these boys were clingy and wanting affection when I first came into the picture. They needed some TLC and in a bad way. They wanted and craved stability. NJ was such a sweet, good hearted loving child who loved to make people laugh and that boy loved and still does his dad. He has always idolized his dad and that was very obvious from the start. LJ was a rough and roughty child who liked to break everything in his path just to see how it worked. It wasn't that he was a bad child by any means, in fact LJ is one of the sweetest children you'll ever meet but he had no respect for other people's things. I'm not sure if that's because no one ever respected him and his things but because of this behavior it made our bond a little slow to come by but his sweet and caring nature eventually won me over. Not to mention, when Wade and myself got together LJ wanted to go with me everywhere I went. If I was going to my grandma's he came too, the gas station, he hopped in the car. It didn't matter where, LJ was coming with me. I took to calling him my little buddy. Over time, all this turned darker as did everything. NJ started ratting out anything he found to be unacceptable said by myself or my son AJ to Wade and we would literally get into trouble. It would stir up drama and fights within the family. I would get angry that NJ was doing this and Wade would get mad at AJ or myself for whatever lies or twisted words were said about us. It was Wade and his boys against myself and AJ. Wade was constantly trying to get AJ into trouble. I remember a couple of different occasions for reference. Once, Wade wanted AJ to get punished because he said he found my ex's name scribbled on the bathroom wall. His theory was who else in the house would do that? I now, looking back, think Wade did that to set AJ up. I don't remember fully but I don't believe I punished AJ for this but I did question him and I thought at the time that maybe he just missed his dad and that's why he did it. It never occurred to me that Wade would lie about something like that. Second occurrence, I was laying in bed one night and Wade came in there and said that AJ was "throwing ice all over the floor in the kitchen". Now, my son is like his dad and loves to eat just shaved ice so I told Wade that it was probably just accidental and he was making shaved ice and would pick it up when he got done. However, Wade insisted that "No, he's literally taking ice out of the ice bin and throwing it on the floor." Confused as to why he would do that I went and asked AJ about it and he claimed that no, he wasn't doing that. I looked and there was no ice on the floor except maybe one or two pieces. I told AJ to get those when he got done and went back to bed. It was always something like that. It was like Wade was out to get AJ and the only reason I could figure was because of Wade's insane jealousy for my ex and the fact that AJ acted so much like his dad. Wade mocked my ex constantly and even in front of AJ which made him very upset and he would get his boys to join in on the mockery. I will admit that I joined in occasionally but not to the extent that Wade went to and I do regret my part in that now as I see how it affected my son. That was not fair and I realize it was a way for Wade to demean my son and his father. LJ eventually started believing his father's lies somewhat and lost any respect he had for me. He wouldn't listen and neither did NJ to a thing I told them to do. They both argued constantly and LJ took to destroying mine and my son AJ's things or stealing them behind our backs and then lying about it. They never once got punished for the lying or the stealing as it "couldn't be proven." LJ would steal things from my son and take the items to his mother's house so seemingly it had just gotten misplaced or disappeared. At one point, since Wade preferred to work nights it was my job to get the children up and to school in the morning because they were all living with us full time and NJ was having trouble getting up in the mornings. He made us all late a few mornings in a row and one in particular he claimed that he couldn't go to school because he didn't have any clean clothes. By this point, he was a teenager and responsible for washing his own clothes which he knew. He'd gotten up too late to take his shower which he insisted he take only in the mornings and he was mad at me because I had told him to just get some clothes on and come on. I told him to call his dad since he was trying to get out of school even though Wade was at work I felt this was something Wade needed to be called in on since he was giving me such trouble and arguing so much. Wade got angry with me because I'd told NJ to call him at work and literally asked him, "And why are you calling me about this? While I'm at work?" To which NJ replied, " Because she told me to call." as if I was the biggest idiot on the planet. Wade was ultimately just a big bully and even admitted to me that he had been that in school but that he'd changed his ways. It took me so long, too long to realize that he really hadn't changed at all. I'd say around the year 2019 to 2020 is when things really started to change for me and my eyes started to open. That's when the abuse picked up. The more awake I became, the angrier he got.
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Comments (2)
It truly was...thank you.
Sounds like an ordeal! Well written!