"Encounters are not forgotten, maybe not immediately recalled...."
Journey to Self
Here I am, trying to put thoughts into words. The past six months have been like a roller coaster, filled with realizations and emotions.
It's somehow refreshing when various facts and encounters start emerging from memory, dating back to when you were still a teenager. Meetings that you forgot in the heat of anger, but now, 27 years later, vividly resurface with clarity. However, what has triggered all these recollections has been ongoing for the past three years.
I believe I can relate to how a person feels when recovering from amnesia. Images appear that, at first glance, don't seem to connect to your life, but suddenly, there's an EPIPHANY. The realization that this is your past, and the people you interact with now were there in that past too. Understanding that you haven't been the person you thought you were in your past. Realizing that the person you are today wouldn't even want to be remotely associated with the person you were back in that distant past. Guilt, anger, rage, and sadness. Anger towards your past self, guilt towards the person(s) who had to endure your behavior. Sadness for hurting someone who is now so important to you. Important now, but back then, the thought that this person would become so significant was unacceptable. The idea was so unpleasant and unthinkable that by the next morning, you had already forgotten about that encounter.
But apparently, I wouldn't be who I am today if I had been the person I wish I had been back then.
Today, I wish I could mend the heartache and hurt that I caused with my thoughtlessly sharp teenage tongue. On the other hand, that person has also changed. Everything I said in anger has changed. In them, in my own judgments and opinions, and of course, in time. However, the scariest part of all this is that they have carried that meeting with them all this time, while I "awoke" just now.
What good is there in all of this that I have not yet realized?
Elle Vihman
from 31. AUG. 2016
About the Creator
Elle Vihman
I was born and raised in a small Baltic country called Estonia. Back then, it was still known as Soviet Estonia, and the main laws were dictated by Russia. Today, the most important thing any individual can do is find their inner balance.
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