dear god… (2*)

Dear God,

We just spoke. But really, I feel that I should have started here.

Why am I still being held here in Sri Lanka?

Why am I not living in my own house?

Do I not deserve my own house?

Have I not proven that I am ready, worthy, and responsible enough for my own home?

Have I not attained the correct alignment?

I have done everything I possibly can to win this Omaze house. Every single month I believe. I feel into it. I want without attachment. I choose without clinging. I have asked over and over again: what am I missing here?

I cannot win it until I get back to my country. And I cannot get back to my country without your help. Why do you not help me?

I appreciate everything that I have, and constantly battle with this paradox between being perfectly content with all you have given to me already, and wanting the dreams in my heart.

Didn’t you place those dreams there there? Didn’t you place them there so that I would rise to become the person I now am?

Well, I did rise. I did the work. I continue to do the work. Over the past four years I have worked so hard to be who I now am — to not just be the person who could believe you could gift me this house, but to know that you will.

I feel so ready. I see all of the signs over and over: change, new chapters, new beginnings, abundance raining in, rewards coming for all of this work… and yet, each day remains like Groundhog Day. Each day I remain here, feeling like things should be moving, changing — you know? Yet, they haven’t.

Why does the outside not mirror me inside? Why is the outside not changing, when so much has changed inside?

I refuse to fall back into frustration or despair. I continue to expand my patience and my trust. But can I just ask you to transform my circumstances? Please?

I know that I can endure. I know that I can survive in the circumstances I’m currently in. But I’m constantly living around violence. I’m constantly living with an assault on my energy.

I want to live in purity. I want to live somewhere that I can wake up in the morning and know that I’m safe. That I’m not going to be attacked for breaking some minor rule that is so inconsequential. I’m tired of living under somebody else’s control all of the time.

I’m so exhausted. I’ve had 37 years of living under the control of some man, and not having my own space, my own place, my own security. Don’t I deserve that? Haven’t I earned that in so many ways?

Don’t you see how it would not only benefit me, but every single person that I ever interact with? Because I would be able to meet everybody from a place of safety — and therefore love, pure love, all of the time.

And I wouldn’t have to lock myself away or hide myself away because I’m so exhausted from battling all of these low vibrations, the fears of others, the anger of others, the control of others.

It’s like treading water in oil all the time, and my arms are so tired, God. My arms are so tired. My mind is tired, my body is tired, and my breath is tired… and yet still I try, and still I tread water. Still I fight on.

But hasn’t it been enough? Isn’t it enough yet? Isn’t it enough?

I want so much to have this foundation of security and abundance on this physical earth, so that I may write and paint and learn to play music and learn to dance. So that I may share my hard-earned wisdom with those who seek it, so that they may avoid all of the sufferings that I fell into.

I want to make this creation of yours more beautiful. Restore it, repair it. Repair the broken hearts out there that need your love through me. Isn’t that my purpose? Isn’t that what all of this was leading to? The complete rebuilding and restoration of my mind, body, and emotions?

Surely this is what it was for — not for me to remain locked in some cage like some animal who is dangerous to the world, when it’s the very opposite way around. I’m a light in this world. I’m only a danger to the shadows, and so far the shadows keep me locked away.

When will you prosper against these shadows?

You say all things are working for my good, and already I can see how I’ve used this entire situation for my good, how you’ve used it for my good. But wasn’t it said that no weapon formed against me shall prosper? Wasn’t it said?

Isn’t this the time for me to be free? For me to prove to you that your investment in me was entirely worth it?

I’m ready, God. I’m ready to step into my greatest chapter yet. Please recognize that. Please help me to move into it. Please get me moved into my dream home and my dream life — in peace and security and everyday love and everyday lightness — because that is the truth that I now hold inside my own heart.

I banished everything that was dark. I purged everything that was angry and bitter and resentful. And all that is left is the immense space that was carved out — the glacier that was carved out by those evils that were inside my heart — and now your love fills it. Fills that space and overflows it.

And it’s time to let me go back to the world, to share the gifts you have given me with everybody who is worthy of them, with everyone who is able to receive them.

This is how I feel, and so it is the paradox. I am both so patient — I am so in trust of you that I could be patient for another thousand years, and I will be if that was your desire. Yet I also feel so ready, more ready than I’ve ever felt.

And not because I’m perfect, but because I’m forgiving. I’m forgiving of myself when I make mistakes. I’m forgiving of others when they make mistakes. And I know how to love more and more and more — even when it seems impossible to love more, I always choose to love more. And I prove that to you every single day.

Please hear me, God.

Kayleigh