Dare to Ask
Breaking though a lifetime of lessons
The lessons I learned about keeping my wishes and desires to myself started early and repeated often.
~
I broke my mother’s cheese plate when I was about 8 years old. It was white, with a built-in lip around the edge, and a round raised spot on which the uncut cheese sat. A small dullish knife with a white handle completed the set.
It broke into smithereens when I dropped it.
I ran onto the steps that led to our second floor, crying my eyes out. My uncle was visiting that day and came to sit by me on the steps. I wanted to get her another plate. He told me he would buy her one, that I should stop crying, that he would take care of it.
I believed him.
After he had gone home, my mother asked what he had said to me. I didn’t want to tell her. I knew she would be surprised when he came back with the plate. I just shook my head and smiled, the tears of earlier in the day forgotten.
She didn’t press me for details, but she did tell me that sometimes my uncle promised things that he wanted to do, even though he wasn’t able to make them happen.
I waited a long time for him to come back with that cheese plate. He never did. Promises were seldom fulfilled in my home. I learned not to hold my breath for things that were promised.
~
My grandparents were amazingly loving, giving people; I am the oldest of their grandkids. No one would ever leave their home hungry or a stranger. My youngest sister, for as long back as I can remember, would ask about the things in their home.
- Where did this come from?
- What is this used for?
- Can I have it when you are done with it?
She would do the same with me.
- Where did you get that coat?
- What kind of ring is that?
- Can I have it when you die?
Somehow she missed the instructions I received when I was small: Don’t talk about what we do in our house. Don’t ask anyone for anything. We take care of ourselves.
I wondered how she could actually ask for what she wanted. I was embarrassed to listen to her. I sat, and watched, and waited. Hoping that someone would see that I wanted something, too.
~
As a young girl, engaged to be married on December 22, my husband-to-be asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I didn’t know what to say, so I told him that just being married to him would be present enough.
He knew me so well I was sure it was a tricky way to surprise me. He must already have purchased the gift! My present for him had been wrapped for several days already.
I was disappointed when there was no gift to unwrap during our honeymoon.
I didn’t know how to ask for a present. Surely, if he loved me, he would know what would make me happy without me telling him?
~
Santa was on hand at work one day in November. Our flagship store turned into Wonderland for two months and Santa was there for the after-tree-lighting party. I don’t believe in “Santa”: he’s for children that need the magic, the make-believe.
I left before he made his big appearance. As I made my way through the office towards my car I turned a corner and came face-to-face with Santa Claus.
“Oh,” I said, “I thought I’d missed you!”
“Ho Ho Ho!,” he said, “I thought I’d missed you, too!”
And Santa kissed my cheek then walked away towards the party.
~
We had a gift exchange at work one year. There was a spending limit, and on the appointed day we would gather and exchange presents. Part of the exchange was sending in three gift suggestions, three items that we would like to receive.
I almost backed out of participating. It seemed impertinent to state that I wanted anything at all. But I didn’t want to be the weird person in the group so I asked for one of these three things, all of which would be something I’d enjoy:
- Coke Zero, in bottles
- A plant that would grow in the light available in my cubicle at work
- A bookstore gift card
Opening the envelope and seeing that gift card was both a gift and a reward for taking the risk and telling someone what I wanted.
~
I’m changing as I grow older. Learning a few things about wants and about giving. About asking for help; for sharing the desires of the heart.
This is a good time of year, when thoughts turn towards giving thanks, to also remember: people can’t read my mind.
And along with that- it’s not fair of me to feel hurt when they don’t read my mind and take my silence as a statement that I don’t care about what happens.
Because I do care. I care so deeply that I’m afraid to speak the words and describe the things that mean so much to me. I’m afraid to tempt the outcome of revealing too much and being disappointed. Again.
My Four Takeaways
- Just because you’ve learned a lesson many times doesn’t mean things can’t change.
- Love always carries the risk of not being reciprocated, but it’s worth it to take the chance.
- Revealing your own desires allows people to connect with you over the risk.
- Being a thankful recipient enhances the experience for the giver as well as the person that receives the gift.
~
So, in the spirit of lessons and risks- here is my ask for you:
Please leave a comment: What is something you now wish you had asked to receive? What is your favorite gift, and why? Do you struggle making 'gift lists'? What is your go-to grab bag gift?
About the Creator
Judey Kalchik
It's my time to find and use my voice.
Poetry, short stories, memories, and a lot of things I think and wish I'd known a long time ago.
You can also find me on Medium
And please follow me on Threads, too!
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Comments (14)
What a lovely story, full of insights, and the takeaways were spot on! When we are disappointed in someone, or expectations are dashed, it is easy for us to retreat and keep everyone else at bay to avoid being hurt. But we should remember that we do not give to get from that exact person. Our joy usually comes from someone else. We can then let go of the expectations we have of others. Often, there are usually some amazing and unexpected surprises. As to my favourite gift, I would love to share that, but I have been blessed with so many, I wouldn't know where to begin!!! :)
I keep asking for a low key Christmas with less “stuff,” but some of the givers in my life don’t respect that. On Christmas Eve it’s an angry gauntlet of forced presents they think I want in spite of my protest. I hate getting “stuff” because I hate cleaning. I prefer experience type gifts like tickets to a show or fancy food. Even a nice day out or someone to cook or clean instead of me. Things that don’t cost money.
Omggggg, that is soooo me! I was raised in a way that asking for something felt illegal. So whenever someone asks me what I want, I'd say things like "Just meeting you is enough for me" or "Oh no, I don't want anything". But I'll be secretly hoping they still got me something but that never happened. My favourite gift to receive would be food. I don't like material things because I rarely use them and they'd just take up space. Food is a basic necessity and I'll never forget someone who gets me something to fill my stomach!
1. A book from my oldest aunt, our family historian on my mom's side. 2.From my husband it is jewelry as he has a great picker for jewelry😉 Otherwise I may get tires, like he gave his first wife. 3. Sometimes. 4. gift card, book, something homemade. Thank you💖💜Fun read! My family was very similar. I joined a family program at 24 that helped me break those rules.
As a children, we always looked forward to the Christmas catalogs coming in the mail so we could write our names next to the things we wanted. The only thing I can ever remember not asking for that I desperately wanted every year was--& I know this sounds corny--but to love & be loved. My favorite gift (& best birthday ever) was discovering that the infection in my foot was pseudomonas & that the doctor would not be trying to cut it out for the third time in one week but would be admitting me to the hospital instead. I was allowed to go home for the celebration, meal & gift opening & then to the hospital after. The one go-to I have is for infants or toddlers. It is a hardcover copy of "I'll Love You Forever". Best children's book ever. The picture of you with Santa is wonderful, as is the story of him kissing you on the cheek.
i love this. I learned this too... unfortunately broken promises do a lot of damage. That is why I have a rule in my house and I am very strict with it: You do not make promises you cant or won't keep. Anyone who makes a promise to my children and do not keep it, they deal with me. Because I was raised on broken promises and much like you Jude, I don't ask for things, I have a hard time relying on people. Even now when I am surrounded by people I KNOW i Can rely on and who love me and who have never led me that feeling of disappointment I still have such a hard time telling them what I need, what I want, what I feel. Because broken promises hurt me so much as a child. I have retrained everyone in my house to never say "I promise" especially when the children ask if we promise. I response every time is: "I promise I'm going to try my best. And if our plans fall through, we will think of something else!" My children are still young, but my 5 year old has already talked to me about her biological father making promises and not keeping them. When she came to me and said this, I explained to her thats why mommy never makes any promises, so I don't break them. I am hoping that living with me and my example, and seeing how everyone else hands it, will help her be able to cope with the problems we deal with when we grow up on broken promises.
Dear 'j' aka ~ The 'hoods favorite 'Shiksa' - Just the opposite of your upbringing - my Twin and I were the only Jewish kids in our small town. Judey, I love it when you write about 'you' and even your goofy bra lessons; so Judey! And, thank you for the intro to Poppy the Poet she is not only charming but a fabulous 'Original' creator. btw; Made your scrumptious Lasagna recipe last night (meatless) but slathered with cheese - Yum - *May I take a moment to add: Not a shopper - Went to Nordstroms and not knowing what to buy - the saleslady sold me an entire wardrobe for Rita Louise. Yes, she 'probably' saw me coming! Wife didn't want to embarrass me but took everything back - but, the sweater that looked exactly like yours, in red. True story - Thank you for the nice memory. 'j' bud
Fist of all, this is a great read, and I can't argue with your takeaways. My responses: 1. I honestly can't think of anything. One of the lessons I learned that hasn't changed is that most of what I wish for is too much to ask others for. I know how that sounds, but it's deeply ingrained from my childhood. 2. The pair of slippers I'm wearing as I type this. They were a complete surprise, and they're warm, comfortable, rugged and have a waterproof outdoor sole. Pam gave them to me a couple of years ago. 3. I you mean gift lists for myself, yes. (See response #1.) I try to buy meaningful gifts for others, so I suppose that's a yes, too. 4. I'm a confirmed victim of the times. Unless it's for someone I know well, I'm probably going to go with a gift card in a humorous card.
I am terrible at this. I hate asking for anything. Putting together a list is so stressful to me. I feel uncomfortable when people get me things. I am a much happier giver, but I do find I can be too excited, and then let down if they don't react the way I had envisioned it. Oh, how awful that sounds as I re-read that, but that is me. A pleaser who wants you to react the way I would if I was able to ask for what I really wanted..ugh. This was a great story Judey
Amazing how many people were brought up this way, myself included. But no matter what, my mom always had a gift for everyone, somehow even for last minutes guests. Nothing wrong with asking, I like that you added ‘ be thankful’
This is so true - my own mother has always been a person, along with her family, who would reply always "nothing" when asked what she wanted, then be upset when she got what she got, or nothing - and she's not alone - many people have the same habit, including many people I love and would like to gift them things appreciated - I have said to people many times "I'm not a mind reader." And now your article sends me to wondering if one of the reasons they are insulted by me is because I can't read minds, so do they relate that to the amount I love them? I am also quite outspoken regarding my opinions and desires (shocking, I know) but maybe that's part of what makes people uncomfortable? Sorry to ramble - just bringing up some thoughts for myself here. :)
I really like this.
1 The one thing I wish I would have asked for, was to live with my Grandparents. 2 The book Wuthering Heights, because my Grandma gave it to me. and it was her fave book. 3 I don't feel I deserve gifts lol 4 knitted items. I have a friend who crochets gifts for me
Oh my, I still have difficulty with this. Maybe it’s since I’m a lower middle child, I don’t know. But you are right, expecting others to be “psychic” is unfair to those who care about us and want to demonstrate it. At sixty-five I doubt I will change. Lol.