The Holy Bible

"With seven billion copies printed and sold, the Holy Bible is the most popular and commercially successful book in the entire history of literature. It is, in fact, a collection of books that describe the creation and history of the world, and a religious guide to spirituality, faith, and hope."

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It may seem a little strange to talk about a book that I must confess I have never read from the first page to the last. And yet, as a Roman Catholic, I spent all of my formative years absorbing the teachings of the Bible.

At infant school, I studied the Catechism in preparation for my first Holy Communion, and of course, the concept and practice of confession. Moving on, at my comprehensive, secondary modern High School we had daily classes on Religious Studies. However, despite all of this, by the end of my years of childhood education, I became what is called a lapsed Catholic. I had what I considered to be several good reasons.

First off, my Catholic schools were run by ex-Mafia hitmen masquerading as teachers. The physical brutality of what was called corporal punishment really was something to lament. Many a time, I was maimed for days on end by those psychopaths. These days they would be spending a large part of their lives in jail.

Second, when I was ten years old and out playing football, one of my friends suddenly looked at the time and panicked, he was late for church. He told us that if he was late he could be ex-communicated. To a child of ten like me, that sounded too much like execution for my liking. I thought "Hells Bells, they cut your head off for being a few minutes late for mass!?"

One day I happened to be at a funeral and at the graveside, coffin waiting to be lowered into the six feet deep hole in the ground, I thought that I heard the priest say "In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, into the hole he goes." And I thought to myself, what an insensitive bunch these guys are. It was many years before I was told what the priest really said was "...and to the Holy Ghost."

I lived and was brought up in a very rough neighborhood, full to bursting with bad people, and every single one of them would swear on the Bible that they were good God-fearing Catholics, and decent folk to boot. This just came across to me as an ironic contradiction, or paradox if you like. Eventually, I finally figured these people out.

It's all to do with how Catholicism works. During the week you can sin all you like with impunity. On Saturday you can go to confession and confess all of your mortal sins. When you came out of the church confessional, you had to repent by kneeling at the church altar saying two Our Father and three Hail Mary prayers. Then, on Sunday, you could go to church and take Holy Communion. And hey Bazooka, you were clean of any wrongdoing and be good to go and start sinning all over again. It gets better.

Should you never go to confession ever again in your entire life, seconds from breathing your very last breath, you could confess and repent and be clear to enter the kingdom of Heaven. It seemed to me that the Catholic church was cutting the bad guys an awful lot of slack, right up to a lifetime's worth of it. Can you imagine, killing, pillaging, raping, and philandering your way through life, and at the end, you get bailed out by a kindly priest! Where's the incentive to be good?

To my way of thinking, this merely encouraged sinning, and I wanted no part in it. I thought that would be far better to cut out the middlemen at the churches and consult with God in your own private space. Anyway, let's leave all that nonsense where it belongs and get back to the Bible.

The Bible. I do believe that there is an enormous amount to be learned from the teachings of the Bible, even if it is only from what you remember about the things that you were taught at home and at school, which came from the Bible anyway.

However, for those of you who are going to be sticklers about the reading of the Bible, the Ten Commandments can be found in two parts, Exodus 20:2-17 and Deut. 5:6-21. Sorry, I had to Google that. Anyway, it is those Ten Commandments that gave me a formula, or a moral code, if you prefer, for living a good life. And it was a set of rules that served me well in keeping me clear of trouble all of my life.

I have never knowingly broken any of those Commandments. See what I did there? Yup, I cut myself some slack. Why not? If serial killers, mass murderers, and megalomaniac despots can get a ton of slack gifted to them, I'm darn sure I can have a little slice of it for stealing my brother's bar of chocolate from under his pillow.

Let's take a look at the Miracles of Christ. There are various ways of reading these miraculous stories. One, reading the miracles figuratively, Jesus Christ was an amazing magician and really did have the power to do those things. Well, you know what? If he had the power of God - well he was the son of, God who created the entire universe - what are a few miracles?

However, there is another significance I personally saw in those miracles, and that was to see them as a way to teach the great unworthy about the power of having faith. It really does not matter whether or not those miracles really happened, getting hung up on that is to misread the true meaning of them. All they are doing is teaching you to have faith.

Finally, the parables. You know, the great thing about the Bible is it has a parable for almost any kind of bad situation you find yourself in, even if it means stretching the context and meaning of the parable a little. For example, when my second ex-wife fleeced me of everything, my very good friend Matthew told me "Ralph, no worries mate. Like Job, you'll get it back a thousandfold. He was right, I did!

So, to the question, did the Bible change me in some way? You bet it did. It changed me from an unknowing innocent to somebody with a moral compass to live my life by. It gave me inspiration and hope at those times in my life when I felt abandoned. Above all, it taught me the importance of having faith in following the path of the righteous. What more could you ask?