If walls could talk

My goodness, if the walls could talk it’ll be like opening a Pandora’s box, all kinds of secrets flowing out like rthe proverbial tsunami.

Let’s start with my living room:

“Why did you hide the broken porcelain plates your wife bought from Harrod’s London?

“Tsk,tsk…

“Then there’s a stack of unpaid parking summons where is it? I noticed it’s past the deadline. Are you serious? You wanna go to court?

“Aargh...crazy man.

“Were you supposed to refurbish my walls a couple of months ago? What are you waiting for? My walls are dreary and the wallpaper is torn! All you do is eat popcorn, slouch around and watch TV all day, what a bum!

“Anyway, do you know your wife is a sneak, she’s exchanging groceries for cash so it doesn’t show on the cards, what’s she doing with the money?

“And your son takes up famously after you, another great slob. He never washes up, rarely changes his stinky tee and goes around hollering all day.

“Hmmm..your daughter is a real princess, well mannered, always smiling and dressed up. Ain’t she a sight! But I wonder if there’s more to the mystery.”

(Sorry folks, my living room is a groaner all right!)

Anyway, let’s move on to my bedroom:

“Hey, you got to stop snoring, not only is it bothering me a lot, your poor wife can’t sleep at all. Look at her eyes in the morning, all red and teary, you should be ashamed of yourself.

“And when you make love, stop grunting like a pig. It’s very upsetting. But yeah, it’s mostly very quick, so it’s okay.

“You know your wife is very loyal, there’s nothing to say about affairs and all but she’s always opening the safe, shuffling papers in and out, what’s going on. dude?

“Can you change the curtains and the sheets more often, the it smells like rotten egg. The carpet too hasn’t been vacuumed in a while. I guess the phrase, cleanliness is next to Godliness, doesn’t cut it with you guys.

(Whoa, I thought the living room was bad but this is stinky bad!)

Let’s try my daughter’s room:

“Hey, your princess’s secrets are out of the bag. Yup, strange she’s 17 yet still talking to her dolls. And she’s pricking them with needles, what’s this, some voodoo shit?

“There’s a copper ring with initials marked on it, she keeps it in her bag when she leaves the room. Did you give her the ring? If not, who is it? I smell a boy in the background.

“Yup, she does swear f-words when she’s angry, throws stuff and cries. Wonder what’s all the fuss about? Sorry to say, but the little princess is a fraud.

(Ouch, it’s betting uglier by the minute!)

Let’s forget about my son’s room, let’s go to the garage)

“Hey, you got some nerve, asking me to say nice things about the garage! This must be the most awful smelling dump in the whole house! How the hell do you walk around here, is your nose blocked or something? For crying out loud, do something, man!

“Your guys gather every Friday night for poker, beer and laughs. No one cleans up, the cans are getting rusty, stacked up to the heavens at the back and the rats have a home at last!

“And that Reggie guy, his pee is all over the back. Not to mention the vomit the other day. What the hell is wrong with you lot?

“You better wake up, dude! All it takes is a little matchstick to light up the place. Ignorance is not bliss, my friend.”

(Right now, I’m speechless but you know what, my garage wall is spot on!)

(Ummm, let’s do the last bit in my study, where I do all my writing)

"I've seen countless hours of typing, staring at the screen, and frustration. Writing can be a real rollercoaster of emotions, and I've been here for all of it."

"I've heard some really great ideas being bounced around in here. From story plots to academic papers, it's amazing what the mind can come up with."

"I've seen some pretty intense deadline pressures. The ticking of the clock can be heard all the way over here."

"I've heard some really interesting debates and discussions about various topics. It's great to see the mind in action."

"And let's not forget about all the distractions that come along with writing. From social media notifications to the tempting call of the fridge, it's a constant battle of willpower."

So, there is some icing, after all. You know I’ve got knocked around a lot by my walls, but you know what, I wish they really could talk, then I don’t have to put a hidden camera in the rooms but just a speaker instead!