Waking Up With An Object From A Dream In Your Hand

1) Sleep Disclaimer

The numbers in this story (chapters) correlate to the track order of the playlist. "Figures" will signify as sonic illustrations or mini stories that match to their track number. A computer is best for listening to the playlist as it will show you the matching playlist order. Enjoy dreaming.

2) Prologue

"There will come a day when every one of us will try to remember the moments of our lives, the same way we try to remember our dreams in the morning. Phantom images that flicker away with the raising of closed eyes. Formulated mists of stretching hallways and the vivid hum of a dark room. Fading faces we knew once that float into the lonely corners of our house. Something familiar that you can see in the mirrors reflection of the mirrors reflection of the mirrors reflection. Gone from here...replaced with the sunlight from the window."

Figure 3 I once saw something written down on a piece of paper in a dream. I didn't recognize what it meant, but I remembered the words. The next day I typed in what I had read on my computer and found this.

4-6) Our parents have video tapes

One day in either 1990 or 1991, I found an unmarked VHS tape in my parents bedroom...I would have been about 5 or 6 years old. Thankfully, it turned out to be a tape of music videos that my parents had recorded. Stumbling upon a secret collection of hit videos from the late 80s, would be a very formative moment for a kid that age...and it surely was for me. I went from not knowing very much about music or artistry or musical artistry for that matter. To receiving an up close and personal crash course in the world of modern music. This would also be around the time that I first discovered the world of fashion by way of CNN Style with Elsa Klensch.

From the ones that I can recall, the video screen played back to me Orinoco Flow (Sail Away) by Enya, Lambada by Kaoma and Janet Jackson's Escapade. For the age that I was, seeing these videos that day would be something that I mark as the first moment in my life with music. And something I would come to understand much later, the very painstakingly deep connection it has to moving visuals.

Unsure if it was the jolting and jagged slashes of watercolors splashed on yards of ivory tulle in Sail Away. Or the crisp white blouse and statement vest combos of Janet's backup dancers in Escapade. I knew that something was speaking to me. Or rather speaking to the little gay boy buried deep inside. And it was making me feel really god damn spunky. The language being spoken between what I was seeing and the inner homo child within me would be something I wouldn't figure out for a while. But the conversation had surely begun.

7-46) Mall Magic

For my birthday one year...my Aunt Rosie took me to Newpark Mall in Newark, Ca and said that I could pick any two items as my birthday present. One item was a Miami Dolphins cotton jersey...I didn't like football ever but I did love those fabulous complimentary colors of vivid turquoise and wild citrus orange. The other...was Brandy's 1994 self titled debut album. The first CD that I ever got in my life. By the way, it came from Warehouse Music, speaking of throwbacks. That album was on a constant loop for a very long time. From beginning to end I would play that album in my parents living room where there was an immense record collection and a 6 disc CD changer stereo system. I would choreograph my own moves to each song as if I was performing them on tour with her. The sound would surely be one that informed my taste going forward from this point.

If Brandy's debut album was my first, then Beast Records Dj Mix 1996 would have been my second. It was disco, it was rap, it was RnB, it was dance, it was Spanish techno, it was rock, it was sultry and seductive AF. As some would say, the golden age of dance music. It was everything I would come to love about music in general. And an early example of the way in which I listen to music now. Everything, all sounds from all corners...together.

With the help of what used to be music video networks like MTV, VH1 and BET playing videos ranging from Basia, Joan Osborne and Natalie Merchant to Bootsy Collins & Buckethead, Lisa Stansfield, Jamiroquai and Busta Rhymes to name a few. These early sounds of the 90s would become the musical lily pad that I was nurtured in. And eventually the origin in which I come from in music, that allowed me to venture and explore every genre possible.

I came from a middle class, pretty well off for the most part Mexican-American household. Both my parents were college graduates. My mom was originally from Union City, Ca where my brother and I were raised. In school, she would be told that she would never do anything with her life but become pregnant like every other Mexican girl in town. She would later become the Principal of that school. While my father being from East Los Angeles was a former college pro football player. They hated each other when they first met at Saint Marys College in 1974 as one was a bra burning feminist and the other a college jock. They will have been married 40 years this July. They were majors of English and History, both very intelligent and well rounded people who taught both my brother and I a lot of about many facets of life and culture.

They were however also Principals...both of them. My mother was the Principal of my middle school and my father was a Principal at my high school. So early childhood did prove to be somewhat sheltered. In elementary school I remember telling fellow classmates that I would be performing TLC's Creep for the talent show. I would not end up doing that. However I also remember getting into trouble if I didn't play with boys at recess. That certainly did backfire, didn't it Dad.

I remember SWV and En Vogue and All-4-1 and Tony! Toni! Tone! and Amber and Jocelyn Enriquez and Angelina (who went to my high school) among many others. However it was also impossible to not hear things like Mana and Celia Cruz and Carlos Santana and Linda Ronstadt and Marc Anthony and Laura Pausini and Gloria Estefan on weekends when it was time to clean the fucking house. Later years in and into middle school my radar of music would begin to pick up much much more.

The Smashing Pumpkins and No Doubt and Luscious Jackson and The Sneaker Pimps and Portishead and Esthero would prove to be significant influences in the world of alternative genres. In what I would have referred to as Trip-Hop...but garage heads in the UK would surely make fun of me for that. Soundtracks for movies like Clueless, Romeo + Juliet, Soul Food, Sister Act I and II, Go...among others would pepper and fill out the gumbo of my musical adolescence. The scope was expanding and more was getting through.

In addition, we would have already had our first Apple Macintosh computer by now. I still remember the day my Dad first brought it home. Napster...Aimster...Limewire...Netscape...AOL chatrooms...modem dial up porn. All the biggies...The dawn of the internet age as well the dawn of the world of music and music pirating at your fingertips. With early examples like Enigma, Daft Punk and Bjork taking up my hard drive with their ".mp3" files. These artists were giving me clues as to what else was out there in this musical universe beyond what I grew up with and to how these sounds would inform the next phase of my life.

50-100) Principals Kid

By the time I reached high school in the year 2000, I feel like I remember having a decent idea of what music was and a pretty healthy exposure to that music. Having delved into the worlds of techno, trance and house thanks to the far corners of online music downloading. Music ranging from Basement Jaxx, Paul Oakenfold, Timo Maas and Electrique Boutique...to compilations of Japanese pop and Euro techno would come to be the soundtracks of my high school years. In addition to keeping my parents legacy alive by wanting to record hits from the radio on to tape cassettes. I remember buying Cleopatra's Comin Atcha! on tape. I also remember songs like Barely Breathing by Duncan Sheik and Stolen Car by Beth Orton taking up my daytime listening on Alice 97.3 Then to sexy night grooves with the likes of Madonna's Ray of Light, Lovefool by The Cardigans, Blue by Eiffel 65, Jennifer Page's Crush and Dido's No Angel on Z95.7

As far as mainstream music goes, the early 2000s y2k era is hard to beat. If you go into almost any artists catalogue you can usually bet that some of their best work is during this time. Aesthetic, design, technology, fashion and especially music being in what many call a very pivotal time in our culture. The best shit comes from the year 2003…show me the lie. Timbaland, Aaliyah, Lil Mo, Jenna Ortega, NSYNC, Janet (again), Dream...the list could go on. A culmination and amalgamation of so many sounds creating a new frontier of music as the world shifted greatly from the 90s into the 2000s. A frontier that I surely was and still am very deep in as I still posses my extensive collection of burned CDs from those years. I have actually recently gotten back into burning CDs for people. Turns out I still got it.

A shout out to the emo kid in me thanks to Staind, Cold, POD and Linkin Park who had ample airtime on Live 105.5 Everyone wanted to sit next to me on the bus because I had a portable CD Sony Walkman and the Linkin Park CD. Meanwhile I am being called into the principals office to be reprimanded by none other than my own father for cutting Spanish class. Allegedly.

Figure 91 Hien...After 22 years he is one of the best friends I have ever had. We met playing Saxophone's. The first time I ever saw this video we were talking on my new cellphone for the first time. It was a Nextel...(bleep bleep).

Figure 102 My Favorite Song

My first concert was Carlos Santana even though I don't remember it because I was a kid. Although I wish I did because according to my parents I was passed a joint while there. The first concert I can remember was Lilith Fair 1999 at the Shoreline Amphitheater. The last year it ran in its original form if I remember correctly. Performances by Mya (who is an incredible tap dancer), The Pretenders, Luscious Jackson, Sheryl Crow, Sandra Bernhard (in one of the coolest outfits I have ever seen anyone wear) and of course Sarah McLachlan.

Future concerts in my life would end up being Elefant, AlunaGeorge, Basement Jaxx, Mono, Bomba Estereo, Jessie Ware, Grace Jones, WockaFlockaFlame, Frankie Knuckles and last but not least, Royksopp. Who I have seen multiple times throughout the years. The first however was at the Hollywood Bowl in 2004, the year I graduated high school. I was there to see Basement Jaxx and the band that performed before them was a Norwegian duo by the name of Royksopp (before them was Bossacucanova) Whom I had only heard one song called Eple from a compilation entitled Freq Beats. During that performance they did multiples tracks from what would become one of my favorite albums of all time. Their sophomore 2005 release The Understanding. That album contains track 5...Follow My Ruin.

103-113) I Don't Like The Term "Filmmaker"

After I graduated, I ended up at the Academy of Art in San Francisco with an emphasis in Film/TV Direction. I had found a passion for it after some very unexpected recognition I got for some multimedia projects I had done in high school. Music played a major role in those as well. One was a slideshow about the story of Mexican Immigration while an Incan flute track played. Another was a video on fashion in the 1960s while Playground Love by Air twinkled about. And my personal favorite, a video on the dawn of the Industrial Revolution while the Deep Dish Remix of Help Me by Kelis and Timo Mass pumped through. As well as some selected tracks from the Dancer In The Dark soundtrack. As it happens, I ended up presenting that video on 3 separate occasions to the Education Department of Apple Headquarters in Emeryville, Ca. Needless to say, I had found something I enjoyed doing.

And as it turned out, Music Videos was that thing. I started at the Academy in the Fall of 2005 and very quickly started my stint at creating. I took editing classes where we would cut VHS tape footage from movies and turn them into a one minute silent trailer. Using analog tape to tape equipment. To learning the ins and outs of Final Cut Pro. All the while creating my first ever artistic shorts that reflected what creative soul I was discovering or trying to discover.

Coincidentally, this would be around the second year of the first generation iPod. If you remember, it didn't actually do very well when it initially was released. I had one though...a hefty white brick with clicking wheel and calculator screen. By this time I was heavily involved with the early ages of mid 2000 alternative indie rock and blog scene music. With things like Pitchfork and The Cool Machine being frequent blogs I would pillage for the latest tracks. My iPod was full of Hot Chip and CSS and Interpol and Beirut and Junior Boys to name a few.

Some really good therapy eventually showed me that I didn't give those years enough credit or that earlier version of myself for that matter. I tend to want to distance myself from this time because I was 19, still closeted and lying to everybody about who I was. I didn't know much about the world let alone myself or the part I play in that world. So to think about what possible artistic perspective I could have had then, does make me wince a bit. However, you can actually see some of the beginnings of my artistic identity on display in my earlier work. Whether it was an abstract short about a girl being chased by someone in a dream to Perfect Vision by Montag. To then finding out in the end that she was chasing herself to the outro of Royksopp's What Else Is There? Or a murderous short of a doomed love triangle that made absolutely no chronological sense to a Birdy Nam Nam track. It was surely the beginning of my creative journey that I do not give myself enough credit for. Not to mention the under appreciation for a time where I had so much technological access at my fingertips. We have to give ourselves and that prior version of us more respect and credit than we do. We only get to who we are now, because of them.

Figure 114 Cristine...The girl in the dream short, happens to be my best friend. We met senior year of high school and she remains my sister to this day after almost 19 years. Even though she insisted on wearing jeans under her skirt for the video we did...I still love her. My editing teacher did however ask why she would do such a thing. I didn't have an answer.

Figure 115 I once had a creative writing course where the professor told us to take inspiration for a piece from a song. One day we all sat in a circle in class while each of us one by one played the songs we had chosen on a portable CD stereo. I remember Sandstorm by Darude being played, I remember Deepest Blue by Deepest Blue being played (check out the remixes) and The Spill Canvas even. I, being the ahead of his time person that I am, played this.

116-125) Los Angeles

After a couple years at the Academy, I felt that it was time to spread wings as they say. So in 2007 I would pick up and move to Los Angeles. The land of the serious and creative filmmaker who is totally successful at it without any problems. The Academy of Art as I later found out was not an accredited school at the time so I had to start all over and chose the ever so lovely Pasadena City College to do so. I did end up taking film classes as well to try and keep the hope alive...it wasn't. By this point I was working at Pasta Pomodoro in the valley making friends with past cast members of The Secret World of Alex Mack. And passing out fettuccine samples to Paula Abdul. My desire for film would take a back seat after some depleted time doing what I had just spent the previous two years doing. I eventually would get into metal-smithing and jewelry making. And give myself over to creating 3 different jewelry collections outside of school all made by hand. I was now living in Whittier and would eventually get a job at Urban Outfitters Space 1520 in downtown Hollywood. Where I would explore styling and visual merchandizing as well. It was the age of the Blog...fashion blogs, music blogs...Tumblr...were all the rage. It was all about vintage clothing, hanging chains, Jefferey Campbell Lita Boots and a bunch of weird ass shit piled on your shoulder.

Forlorn sounds like Owen Pallett, Frida Hyvonen, Lykke Li, The DaVinci's and Patrick Wolf would take up my now iPod shuffle's disk space. Then to love pop anthems from Rihanna, early Lady Gaga, Marina and the Diamonds and Amerie on weekends in downtown LA. It was my roarin' gay ass 20's in the pure splendor of the 2010s.

Figure 126 Jason...After many years of battling with my sexuality, I would finally come out of the closet in 2008 or so. That only happened however because I had to. I had been involved in a long distance thing with a very cute boy named Jason who lived in Chicago. We met online when I was still in high school and really was taken with my first taste of online love. Years later, I am in LA figuring out my new identity when one day I got a call from an unknown number. It was Jason's sister calling me to tell me that Jason had tried to kill himself and that he had left my phone number in his suicide note. Thankfully he wasn't successful and as far as I know he is still with us. I was going through a lot of feelings then and all on my own. So I had to tell someone and constructively outed myself at the same time to my friends and family. They all loved me as I knew they would. But coming out has less to do with telling others that you are gay and more to do with telling yourself. Even though it was a sad moment for me, it did lead me to finally release the shame I still had about my sexuality. So for that I thank Jason and hope he's well.

Figure 127 Louvic...was my best friend for the last 2-3 years that I was in LA. Meeting him was almost like canceling out every prior version of myself because I had finally arrived at something that felt closer to me. He opened up an entire new world to me not only in LA but also in just what it meant to be a dope individual. Things that I didn't get at the time, but absolutely get now. I have become very much like an iteration of him. That absolutely includes music. His collection was deep, expansive and very much the future. Surely a DJ's dream to ransack if given the chance. Sounds like MIA B-sides, Kelela, Boychild, xxyyxx, Azalea Banks, Flatbush Zombies...things I had not heard of before him. He was an inspirational force in my life. I always think about how much I would thank him for everything he gave me that I didn't recognize early enough. I was lucky to know him. Louvic died...Christmas 2017. He came to me in my dreams when I went to LA for his funeral. This was his song.

129-138) A Really Bad Weekend

After 7 years in LA, I was forced to come back home to the Bay Area. It's a messed up story and I am running out of words. Let's just say it had to do with being gay and a self righteous and evangelical Uncle who couldn't take it for some reason. I'll let you deduce what reason that may have been.

Upon returning, I really felt like I had failed. I didn't know who I was anymore as my life in the Bay Area didn't match up with the identity that I had created in LA. Turned out, it was kinda the best thing to happen to me in a while. It was BECAUSE everything didn't match around me that I was able to forge and solidify who I was and/or became. That did however, take quite some time to accomplish. I went from living a wild and care free life in gay Los Angeles working for Urban Outfitters to the country club misfits of Ralph Lauren in Palo Alto. Which is where I worked for about 3 years when I moved back.

The warehouse scene in Oakland is one thing that kept me holding on to my prior LA identity. Parties at CoOps and abandoned retail spaces to straight up raves inside someones apartment or loft. Industrial noise shows and demon dance sets. Music like LSDXOXO, Cakes Da Killa, Green Velvet and Rye Rye became the soundtracks of these parties. I was keeping the circuit party life going, even though LA was now a lost figment to me. And even though that time is now gone too, I couldn't be more grateful that I was able to come back from that experience the way that I did. There is nothing that informs who you are more than finding out who you are not.

Figure 139 Beans...A song for the first dog I ever loved. Beans had a stroke one July 4th and it was the beginning of the end for him. After he died, he came to me in a dream once as a roided out bulldog with rippling muscles.

Figure 140 In the Fall of 2016, I had two relatively major experiences happen. One was picking up to go and live with a man I had met online. He was rich and lived in a big house in Vancouver, Washington. I was supposed to be leaving forever to live as a rich mans housewife...I lasted 8 days. I don't even remember his name. The only thing I will say is that demons are real and they exist among us in human form. This much I am certain of...I did however learn an extremely valuable lesson about men that I will have for the rest of my life. They suck. That happened in August...

In November, I had my second major experience which was being invited to go to Standing Rock, North Dakota. In the wake of all the pipeline protests and water protection mayhem that was happening at the time. Our community here in Union City, Ca had raised a pretty good amount of money for the cause. Spearheaded by my Aunt Sylvia, she was moved enough to want to hand deliver the funds to the Sioux tribe themselves. So about 14 of us in a two car caravan set sail for North Dakota. When we arrived a day later, the energy was palpable. You could feel it everywhere around you, in the air and emanating from the ground beneath your feet. We had not made plans to stay, we were going to be back on the road home come evening. But we knew things were about to change once we arrived.

That night, I was witness to a ceremony were a prayer was being sung over the central fire. I had never heard or felt anything like it before. And I wanted to take something of that back with me. Unfortunately, the director in me kicked in and I started to record the audio in what I thought was secret. But, it wasn't and I was caught recording without prior permission. I had to then wait for Sioux security to take me across the reservation, in the dark of night, to the tent of a Sioux Elder to hear what my punishment would be. I entered the tent and found him sitting there with a woman kneeling beside him. The situation was explained to him and he remained silent for a moment and then spoke. He looked at me and simply said..."You will need to delete the audio, alright?" I replied..."yes". And then he reached out his hand so that I could shake it. As I did...he gripped firmly and looked straight into my eyes for a solid minute. I looked back and then he smiled at me and said "You're good...enjoy your night."

That evening, after trying to process what happened, I slept with my back up against the car window and my leg cramped up on the center console. It was the most uncomfortable night of sleep in my life. However, during the night, I dreamt that I was floating and flying up towards a gigantic tree that was blowing in the night wind above me. But someone was on my back, I could feel them gripping onto me from behind lifting me gently up and slowly bringing me back down. My arms and legs were completely free. Being in that place changed me in many ways, as I am sure it did for everyone present. My dreams have never been the same since. This was the song I listened to on the road back home.

Figure 142 A song for a day I was the best I had ever been.

Figure 143-158 Jawn...someone who taught me a lot about love.

Figure 161 Once I fell asleep with my headphones on and this song played while I dreamt of walking through a forest...a labyrinth of hyper symmetrical trees, basking in gold sunlight. I took my headphones off in the dream so I could listen to the forest...and the song was still playing.

162-177) The Trip of A Literal Lifetime

In the Summer of 2021...just under two years ago now, I was let go from my job after almost 4 years. Don't be sorry...I am not. Even though the job had started out to be the highlight of my working career, I was the MTM (Made To Measure) Specialist at Suitsupply in San Jose, Ca. After the pandemic happened, everything changed...including my desire to be doing that work at that location at that time. I was very sad by the end of it and my spirit was dying a little each day. So being let go was the freedom bell I so desperately needed tolled. As a response to my newly found freedom I decided to take my time back and travel across the oceans in the pursuit of an adventure I had never been on. I planned a two week trip to Athens, Greece and a six week trek to Mexico. In addition to my own real life adventure I went on, I also decided to invest in my art and turned my experience into the setting of a short sci-fi film that I am currently working on. So the fall of 2021 was surely a time I will never forget for as long as I live. I was free, traversing to the furthest points I have now ever been to while simultaneously creating my art. This portion is the music that defined those trips and that time in my life, taking control of your power and yes, reclaiming your time.

178-202) A Long Time Coming

As to where I stand currently in my life, that remains to be seen. The past couple years have proved to be challenging. Trying to figure out what my next move is going be as far as work or the next iteration of myself and my life. This is surely a place I have been in before, a place of trying to start over. As many of us find ourselves here I am sure. I will say though, musically speaking, it would appear that I have become an Astronaut. Spotify said so...my personal mind and my personal taste has opened to newly discovered parameters, previously unknown. As well as my desire to discover as many earthly and unearthly forces as I can while I am here. No matter how much knowledge we come to know in this lifetime, there is going to be something we never find out. No matter how many places we see in this lifetime, there is going to be somewhere you will never lay your eyes on. No matter how much beautiful music we find in this lifetime, there is going to be a song that you will never hear. Let us raise our glasses now to the life pursuit of discovering everything that exists. I will raise my own glass to me and a dream...partially realized.

Figure 197 Ralph...an amazing new friend.

Final Figure 203 Where I hope to be. Where I hope all of us to be.