To The Bottom and Back Again

I started thinking about writing this, one morning, while listening to random songs on Spotify. I wasn't sure where to start, when a Green Day song came on and I almost immediately had an uncontrollable outpouring of tears and sadness. From there everything else just came. A movie of my life with it's own soundtrack that bought up so many memories and emotions.

This has been wonderful to write and re-live and I'm grateful for having had the opportunity to experience that and see my life again through the music.

1980's- Becoming

Born In the USA - Bruce Springsteen

The eighties and I'm living in a small country in Africa called Lesotho. This song reminds me of car journies with my dad. The long empty roads. Fields of yellow grass, parched by the hot sun, stretch to the horizon. Windmills turn in the fields. The windows in the car are down to allow the warm breeze in on a hot, hot day.

This song is playing on the cassette deck in the car. Turned up loud and both of us singing along and smiling.

When I remember my dad these are the happy memories of our time together.

Nothing's Gonna Change My Love For You - Glenn Medeiros

My first proper kiss with a beautiful girl who I still miss very much. The song was on a tape she gave to me one day in her bedroom. She'd recorded a mixture of songs for me. We weren't going out but we both loved each other but didn't know how to say.

I can picture the room and the feelings I had that day, which at the time were so confusing. I loved her and pushed her away and loved her and pushed her away. A regret I have is not fully giving into love and enjoying every moment with her as it would only be a few years before I would leave to go live in England and she would eventually end up in Canada.

Never to see each other again

I Wonder - Rodriguez

Friday nights in Lesotho with friends. Drinking beer way younger than we should be. Laughing, playing drinking games and listening to great music. A Swedish friend introduced us all to this song and album. He's had a few beers and was very insistent that we listen. He'd stumbled across this album and he declared it the greatest music he'd ever heard.

It became the theme song to our year. Played over and over again at parties, all of us singing along and smiling.

1990's Rebelling

Refuse / Resist - Sepultura

The university years and very much symbolic of the beginning of my rebelling against the world phase. Many piercings, purple hair, black clothes, loud music and a refusal to accept what was considered to be normal.

I heard this for the first time late one night after being out with friends. The lyrics, the video, the anger. It felt like it was written specifically for me.

Temple Of Love - Sisters Of Mercy

Dark, sweaty nights at Rock City nightclub. Saturday night, alternative night. All the goths would be out in their beautiful long flowing dresses and frilly shirts. Dark make up, dark hair. A subculture that on the surface appeared dark and gloomy but was the happiest and friendliest group of people I've known.

This song would come on and the dance floor would fill up. Full drinks left at empty tables as everyone gets up for 8 minutes of pure happiness and abandoning ourselves to the music.

This is bliss. This is freedom. This is the moment I feel most alive and in love with every damn person in this room who's letting go alongside me.

Violate - Machine Head

An angry young man getting angrier. Bullied and attacked. Punched , kicked and each time standing back up again.

Refusing to fit in.

Wanting desperately to fit in.

Wishing I could fight back.

Not wanting to fight back.

Images in my head of my attackers' bodies lying bloodied on the pavement. But, that's not me. It never will be me.

Still, I'm angry and I need an outlet.

The anger comes out in the music I listen to, the way I dance. Full of rage and releasing it all.

00's The Darkness Within

Wake Me Up When September Ends - Green Day

This is the song that began this article, this process, this re-living of my life.

The tears begin to flow immediately. Flooding out of me in gasps and shudders.

I'm back in my car again driving home from my parents. My dad has just died.

Very suddenly.

Very unexpectedly.

This song is playing as I drive home. I have it on repeat for the full 2 hours it takes to get home.

All the tears are releasing as I drive. I don't know why I chose this song or why it defines my Dad's death to me but this song will always be associated with that moment and it still brings tears as each listen penetrates another layer of my grief.

Purple Rain - Prince

This song can take me to two different places. One happy one less so.

Two different relationships, two different meanings. Each time I play it one or the other surfaces.

One is dancing very close with my first girlfriend at her birthday party. The joy of a teenage boy being so close to this very feminine body and the absence of any space between us.

The other memory is the night I knew my wife was having an affair. Sat in our lounge listening to music when I get a text to say she's not coming home tonight. This song comes on, I'm lying on the floor in tears.

Whenever I hear this song now I don't know which emotion will find it's way to the surface.

Bother - Stone Sour

My marriage is falling apart around me and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I'm self medicating with way too much alcohol. Numbing the pain and drowning my soul.

I don't know what to do and feel helpless.

Useless.

Finished.

I was pushed to the edge and wanting to let go.

So I did.

I let go.

Instead of falling into despair and misery I fell into realisation.

Into hope.

I stopped drinking and chose a different route. But I know how close I was to making another choice.

10's I'm Still Alive

Todo Cambia - Mercedes Sosa

Biodanza, the dance of life. Dancing in a room with all those people, feeling the connection, the love, the sheer joy for life. This song takes me back to my first experiences of the practice and reminds me how much it changed me and changed my life.

The people in this group in Cornwall, accepted a man who felt empty and unwanted in this world. Accepted him and showed him that all of him was welcome without judgement. I love these people and I love this practice and I thank them all so much for the way it has changed me for the better.

Given me the feeling of freedom.

Made me feel loved and accepted.

From The Ground Up - Ayla Nereo

A hot summer in Yorkshire. Coming to the end of my job as a software developer. Redundancy loomed and I completed what was required at my job whilst also making the most of the sunshine.

Preparing for the next step, a move to Scotland and a different life. A different way of life. This song symbolises the hope and excitement of that time and the change that was to come.

The excitement and nervousness about what was to come, what we wanted to build.

Creating a Dream - Xavier Rudd

Possibilities, what could have been and what can still be. Takes me to a recent time and to now. A dream that exists, that started being created and has such potential. Then COVID came along and things suddenly weren't so clear, weren't so simple.

The dream is still here though and still wants to live in the world.

It just needs a bit of love and I have plenty of that to give.