Time Heals all wounds is a slogan from a Greek play and not a reality, but music can help

People can be cruel when attempting to help

After the death of my husband, whom I loved for 45 years, I found out that people attempting to help me said fierce things. I was told to "get over it" to "move on" and asked why I had not married again. The worst was "Time heals all wounds."

I found that I got through most days pretty well as time went on, but in three months, it will be four years since my spouse died, and I am far from healed. Music, along with my faith has been my saving grace.

As soon as I believe I am healing, I will run into someone who knew him and who shares a memory that makes me cry. I might go into a grocery store and see a candy bar or a cereal brand he enjoyed, and the tears fall. These things are random, and I never know when they will happen. I saw a video recently of a man who said tomatoes in the produce aisle triggered a memory of his wife, causing him to cry.

Life does go on

I realized my emotions were normal and natural and that others experienced them. The problem was people who had not experienced what I had were offering well-meaning yet unsolicited advice. I eventually got to a place where the first song on my list, Ed Sheeran's Life Goes On gave me a sense of peace.

Life does go on every twenty-four hours whether you participate or not. This song is so upbeat and quirky that it puts me in a good mood and gives me hope for another day.

Changing the narrative

I initially found that music added to the pain that I should have been prepared for based on my marriage vows. "As long as you both shall live" and "Till death do us part" were self-explanatory, but they get lost in the sea of life as music creators sing of a false reality. This is why the second, third, and fourth songs on my playlist initially had me wanting to hit walls, but thankfully, the narrative changed.

There is no always or forever

The three songs I previously cherished that began to cause me so much anger are Always and Forever by Heatwave, Always by Atlantic Star, and Forever by The Ebonys made me feel as if life had played a cruel trick. When I heard them, I would scream, "It's a lie, my husband is gone, there is no always or forever"!

When you are in love and having a romantic dance cheek to cheek, in that moment you do feel that your relationship will go on always and forever. Death is an eye-opener that shifts everything you previously believed. The traditional vows of till death hold true. It's over when we die and we do not know what happens in the afterlife.

I have heard so many widows say they cannot wait to be with their husband in heaven but what about those who have been married more than once. Which husband will they choose. I don't know what other cultures and religions teach but in the Bible Jesus was asked about a woman who had seven husbands to die. The Pharisees wanted to know who would be her spouse in heaven and Jesus said there will be no marriage in heaven, and that is a bitter pill to swallow.

Tears may still fall

This past year as I have grown and become more grounded in reality I can listen to these three songs, and they give me peace as fond memories come flooding back. This is why I have added them to my playlist. Not everyone will get it, but for those who desire to confront the truth head-on it is better to have cherished memories than to be in fear each time you hear certain music. This is a place you grow to, but I admit when I hear Always, I still shed a tear now and then because it was one of our songs.

Bloodstone's Natural High made a difference

Bloodstone's Natural High has a line that states: "Take to the sky on a natural high, loving you more till the day I die." This is more grounded in reality than forever and Always. Listening to this balances my mood and helps me focus.

It's My Life

Billy Joel's chorus from My Life sums up how I feel now: I don'tned you to worry for me cause I'm alright. I don't care what you say anymore this is my life-Go ahead with your own life and leave me alone. This is my motto, my mantra and it helps me to smile at the well-meaning people who say I'm still young and should remarry.

I know widows who have lived without their spouses for up to thirty years. Marrying someone else just to say you have moved on and to yield to societal pressure is a false reality and not fair to the other person.

Loving is easy but separation by death is hard

Ed Sheeran's song Easy Come Hard Go has benefited me the most as I walked my personal journey in 2024. I found out that Time heals all wounds is not a scientific fact but the words of a Greek play so it's not even true.

I cannot prove it, but I will bet some people who began dating again or remarried still grieve their husband or wife but enjoy the idea of giving the impression to others they are moving on and time has healed them.

There is also the issue of looking at a widow or widower which may cause some to reflect on their own mortality. They may realize a day will come when they or their spouse will be alone. This may cause discomfort. I recall reflecting on couples my husband and I knew when we met in 1976 who were both dead, or one was left a widow or widower.

Respect each other and relax to your favorite tunes

The cruel comments hurled at grieving widows may be more about the person who says them than those living without their spouse. I'm thankful that my faith and these songs have given me the ability to reflect objectively which keeps me out of my feelings and from having a pitty party.

The bottom line is we should respect the choices of each widow individually and not push our agendas on them. My song list is a mixed bag of nuts that works for me, but perhaps it will encourage someone else to follow their own path and make a playlist based on their current situation that gets them through the nuances of widowhood.

Having said that, I feel strong and empowered as I have been writing this article to benefit others, but I could be crying in a few minutes as life goes on. That's why I am thankful for a playlist that keeps me grounded and allows me to reflect on my blessings.