This One's For The (Non) Mutants On Table 9!

"...here's a little moooood music for ya....IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY, WOOOPDEDOOO!"

Not many of us would like to admit having an Adam Sandler rage moment, but the reality is that a good many, if not a majority of people can identify with the sentiment he shows in 1998's hit "The Wedding Singer".

Fresh from being jilted by the "love of his life" at the altar, his job requires him to make nice seeing another happy couple get what was ripped from him so cruelly, he becomes cruel himself.

He starts by pointing out everyone in the room who has a self-esteem issue, whether weight, gender, credibility or otherwise related and mocking them, then pointing out they are all on one table, and thus "unworthy" of being part of "the real wedding", dubbing them "The Mutants on Table 9" before tearing down the wedding joy for Scott and Cindy by belting into the J.Geil's classic "Love Stinks..."

Yet, as their dream day crumbles, an incredible moment happens... Table 9 find their voices and self-esteem, defiantly singing along with the seemingly crazed singer and reclaiming table 9 as somewhere we would be proud to be placed!

The feeling can be the same each time Valentine's day rolls around, endless Instagram's and social media posts of engagements, loving memories and cutesy quizzes and TikTok's can leave those of us still single, feeling like we need our own Table 9 song or twelve to scream at the world in our own defiant stand against romance, labelling of those without it and the often soul-crushing certainty of those around us "that it'll come when you least expect it..." or other such platitudes.

So without further ado... Here is the ultimate 80's setlist to belt out with your friends on table 9, preferably while standing atop it so they can guard you from irate father of the brides, couples and to of course vet any potential love matches drawn by your non-mutant cool tunes!

Let's Go Crazy by Prince

What better way to start than by subverting the very words that we are conditioned to want to hear once in our lives?

"Dearly Beloved..."

Of course, Prince's sermon takes a different stride to the Wedding March but with raucous guitars, infectious synths and call and response you're creating a mission statement that it's hard for your fellow singletons not to follow. After all, you're not being cheated on... you've got friends and a life to live now!

We're single not alone!

We can have fun in a way our attached friends and family can't, we can "go nuts" on treating ourselves well - whether a video game, shoes, or even "crazier" building a life FOR OURSELVES that someone would have to be very special to enter.

It's all there in 4 minutes and 39 glorious seconds!

Modern Love by David Bowie

That difficult second song... has to be another banger right?

Perhaps more than any this 1984 classic deconstructs love and "how to get it" both in the vain and fashionable 80's and the 2020's better than any other... even if we'd rather stay in and get things done/are locked down!

Bowie tells of how Modern Love makes him go through endless pointless and frustrating mating rituals, weddings, parties, even going so far as being forced to trust people and religious concepts like marriage that we would sometimes rather not.

Most importantly it shows that if you don't believe in love or jumping through these hoops it's OK. As long as you are true to yourself and try to live your life for you, then you can be as happy as those who do have a relationship, most importantly the hook reminds us to never turn our back or "wave bye-bye" to love, as you never know.

After all, when Bowie wrote this he had yet to meet the love of his life, Iman whom he married in 1992, shared a daughter and remained with until his untimely death in 2016.

Once In A Lifetime*

UNDER THE WATER, CARRY THE WATER

If Modern Love describes the rituals we go through to find love, Talking Heads' 1980 magnum opus teaches us the possible pitfalls of going with the flow and doing as we are expected to do in settling down.

How many people wake up one day to find their relationship, marriage and life is not what they had hoped for, desired or expected? How many unhappy people question themselves daily on how they got to the point they are at, comparing their situation to a "shotgun shack" ala Butch Cassidy/a life worse than death. "Same as it ever was" or rather, just as our parents and theirs had it.

Of course being single doesn't mean you haven't experienced this, but if you have faced your heart and found the courage to leave a relationship or marriage that wasn't working or walked away from opportunities to settle for something you are not 100% into to keep others happy then your "Once In a Life Time" is still out there, rather than letting the water hold you down!

*Dance optional!

Wings Of A Dove by Madness

"Don't Think For A Moment...Of Looking Down!"

The infamous "Nutty Boys" of London Town, were best known for their zany antics in videos, clever lyrics and being able to turn their hand to eclectic types of song. While their best known was a cover of Labie Siffre's "It Must Be Love", it is this calypso infused gem that teaches us to take time for us, keep our heads up and laugh with love rather than feel it's something above or out to hurt us.

It's an important message, after all, we are not the only person unattached by definition and they are not bad or worthless, so why would you feel this about yourself? We can fly, be upbeat, kind and not take ourselves to seriously or mope... one of these is likely to make you very attractive to potential partners, the other...not so much! Unless you're both goths... in which case you wouldn't know who Madness even are!

Gloria by Laura Brannigan/Crazy Crazy Nights by KISS

One for the single ladies?

After all, before Beyonce there was Laura Brannigan! Her powerful voice belting out a message of loving yourself before you're in a position to love someone else became an anthem of empowerment, and a big hit to boot. It's all the more relevant in 2020, a time of great stress and strain just to do the basics. Whatever your gender, it's important to remember that these are strange times and that you're doing just fine, even without a significant other to back you up...and that's all any of us can do right now. Inevitably, there will be some who prefer a male voice, to give them this message, enter KISS and their 1988 belter which does the same job, both have belting singalong choruses for your fellow table 9 alumni!

Love Rears Its Ugly Head by Living Colour

"Oh No! PLEASE NOT THAT AGAIN!"

Rounding out our playlist is of course, the moment when love actually seems to appear, yet you are less than happy. After all, it means all that getting to know you stuff, awkward conversations about when to go official on social, who gets the remote and the dreaded moment they have to see your bathroom.

Living Colour's 1989 blues-infused hit gives a timely reminder that love and relationships are not always all they're cracked up to be. They're certainly not a magic bullet to happiness, indeed a wise man once said (although about a Gold Medal) "...If you're not enough without it, you'll never be enough with it!"

So take your time, enjoy the socially distanced atmosphere and perhaps don't grab the microphone and ruin someone else's day with negativity, why have your own private party with this list? Safe in the knowledge that, far from being mutant or uncool, YOU decide your path to love and your value, not one day of the year or whether you have found a partner yet.

Think something is missing? Never heard these songs?

Why not comment and check out the playlist below?