The Soundtrack of Your Year

This was a year of letting go for me in many different aspects of my life. My Amazon music list showcases the tunes that moved me and carried me forward to where I sit today, writing this. Music has always been an essential part of my life. I look for music that aligns with my emotions and life challenges.

Here is my soundtrack music list of the year so far:

1. Who I Am by Wyn Starks

At the beginning of this year, I had finished the first year of the loss of my father. Two years before, had been my mother. After a year of grief and dealing with the firsts of occasions, holidays, and grief, it was time to begin self-reflection.

I had to look deeply at myself and rediscover who I am. I was saying goodbye to the caregiving daughter of over 20 years, and my youngest child beginning to show signs that he was ready to move out. Also as the months passed, I was inching closer to my 50th birthday.

Now what? I have no parents to care for, no more children to mother, and I am turning 50! Wyn Starks's song became my anthem, focusing on finding and embracing my true self. I can have another identity that is about me, one that is the painter, writer, poet, and dreamer. I am still a work in progress, but the slow burn of the temp to empowerment and uplifting vibes made this song on the top of my playlist.

2. Helicopter by Maisie Peters

After watching the hit TV show "Trying" on Apple TV, I found that the music on this show was calling out to the parent in me. Watching my adult children grow away from me and needing me less, especially my youngest, this song's message of trying to stay present even when the "what ifs" are on an endless maddening loop in my head.

I would be driving, worrying about worst-case scenarios, and this song would play, and I felt that Maisie could feel my anxiety and self-doubt; she would sing just for me. This line from the song really stood out for me as a parent:

"I hope you know I'm trying, even when I don't show it."

Come on, every parent should hear this line. I tried to be less nervous or judgmental about my kids' decisions, but I am sure that, at times, it didn't show.

Other great ones are "so forgive me, if I hover close I'm a helicopter' cause I love you so"

This is the soundtrack of my entire parenting life! Yup, I was a helicopter parent and was a damn good one!

3. I Want You To Change (Because You Want To Change) by Maisie Peters and Bear's Den

This song's message is about love and acceptance as someone works on improving an aspect of their life. I felt this applied to myself, my husband, and my children. We all desire personal growth, and with that comes unconditional love for all of us.

It's part of the love with detachment movement that I am working on. I want to give love without trying to control others in my family in a nonjudgmental and understanding way.

Listening to Maisie's and Bear's Den's soft, melancholic tone gave me a feeling of warmth and a time for reflection.

4. Team by Bear's Den featuring Monica Martin

With the opening lyrics, "I thought we were a team, each of us bringing half the dream, so storm we could not weather, we make our mistakes together…"

What a poignant opening for a couple living together, raising children, and dealing with their issues. After celebrating 27 years of marriage, this song spoke to me.

A tune that is gentle and intimately talks about connection, unspoken understanding, and being stronger together. My dear husband supported me and was a caregiver to my parents, too. We got through it together, though there were days when we wondered when our time in our life would finally arrive, the day when everything would be about us. (It's this year!)

To hear this song helped me reflect on the past years and the challenges we went through. This new chapter in our lives will be about us but also about us transitioning to adult parenting, which is so different. Yet, we love each other and will support each other in whatever comes our way.

5. Decode by Maggie Lindemann

This dark and intense song brought out the raw emotions I had throughout the year with my body pain. I have suffered for over 20 years from chronic lower back pain. It has caused me to not be able to play recreational sports, to be very careful with my exercises, and at times, go on a cycle of NSAIDs. Yet, nothing prepared me for my planter fasciitis heel problem. It took over 22 months with treatments, daily pain, and not being able to walk before a doctor said enough.

This song connected me to the fear of my body letting me down. During those months, when in pain, my mind and body were in a constant battle. I felt the despair that Maggie was bellowing. A few of her lines really resounded with me: "Cut me open, try to fix me" and "Stuck in my head, can't get out".

With chronic pain, it's a feeling of my body imprisoning me, and no matter what, I can't escape. With my plantar fasciitis, which got to the point of me using a knee scooter for months, it was terrifying to feel trapped. When surgery was finally mentioned, the lyrics "Decode me, I'm a message left unread" it was for all the times that other doctors didn't feel my pain or problem was severe enough, that I felt pain more than others.

On Sept. 3, 2024 I had the planter fasciitis release surgery, and so far, it's been successful. I can walk with no pain.

6. Fly by Anna Graves

Anna's dreamy and slow tempo that builds up to an emotional swell is what I have been noticing since my foot surgery. I sense a new freedom from the recovery, letting me take a deep breath and "learn to fly above the clouds, where I can breathe".

I still have lower back pain, and that will always be my struggle, but this song's lyrics gives me the hope to break free from the inner fears that live in me. The lyrics "I wanna fly away, leave it all behind" make me think deeply about the power struggle I live with, I want to change the way I see my body and my pain, and stop letting a negative voice take over all the time.

7. No Time by Pol 3,14

I found this song up when watching "Money Heist" on Netflix. A song that is about how time moves so quickly and is limited. Time is a powerful, essential theme. There are moments when I feel my time is slipping away from me. It hits me when I am busy managing my chronic pain and taking care of my four dogs, which, due to them, my husband and I don't travel.

The passing months and holidays make me aware of "The hours slip away, but they never come back." I know that I need to make time for my husband, whether it is day trips or something that doesn't involve the dogs or talking about what body part hurts that day. It's a beautiful reflective song that builds up the tension forcing me to think about my life.

Thank you for reading and listening to my year so far. It was a year of finding myself, learning to be a new kind of parent, dealing with pain, and realizing that time is not on my side and I need to get out of my own way.

I hope some of my songs land for you and give you something new to listen to.

******

This is for the challenge below.