The Musician in Me

Many moons ago I decided that I wanted to play the violin. I was 11 and in 6th grade at the time. As expected, I struggled as a beginner, but I loved playing.

One year later I moved to another home, with a new school and a new life. At 12, I never had the opportunity to play or grow in music. Putting the violin on pause.

At age 13, I moved again and picked back up on music - but it wasn’t pleasant. My teachers banished me to play by myself outside in the cafeteria, teaching myself old music from 2 years ago. I was in 8th grade playing 6th-grade sheet music. It was tragic. I struggled deeply, but I learned everything I know now because I was persistent and taught myself. And when my teachers told me I wasn’t allowed to go on orchestra events, or that the violin wasn’t “meant for me”, I gave up and set my violin on the back burner.

It wasn’t until I was a 14-year-old freshman in high school, watching my then-boyfriend at his band concert, which included the choir and orchestra as well, that I decided to play music again, never regretted it once.

I’ve worked myself up to where I am today. From regular high school orchestra to participating in the big leagues, morning orchestra. From playing in regular high school orchestra during county orchestra events to making it into chamber, the orchestra where the highest of saints played.

My passion for music comes from being looked down on by so many for how I play. Teachers, other students, non-musicians, have all judged me because I didn’t know how to do the things they did or because I didn’t play with a traditional sound. It wasn’t because I “sucked”, I was just never taught. I had solos but was never good enough in any of my teacher's eyes. Years later, I hope that they may appreciate my talent, but I highly doubt it.

I may not belong to an orchestra, but I belong to myself. I play with emotions, by ear and Adlibs. I make up everything I play as I go. Sometimes I’m not even sure what’s being played, but it sounds mesmerizing to me, nonetheless. I harp on myself because I’ve earned that right. I’ve cried, stressed, and doubted my worth in being unable to play like everyone else. I’ve had to find peace in being different.

I’m unique and that’s okay. No musician plays the same. Others are okay with criticism or flaws, not me. I hate making mistakes and not appearing as perfect. It’s dumb, I know, but I take my playing seriously after being treated like a musical joke for nearly 10 years.

At 20, I’m bold, confident, and loved by everyone who hears my music. I love that. The freedom from painful words and disgusted looks. I’ve mastered the ability to play music by ear and pick up on instrumentals from music I’ve only just heard. Not only in the violin, but on any instrument I get my hands on. Piano, guitar, cello, and so forth. Call me crazy for choosing to play that way, but I know it’s a gift - this delicate daydream.

Why delicate daydreams? Because despite having years' worth of practice, I’m still an amateur. Not perfect or professional, but I have a strive for playing. I dream of being successful in my musical part of life and it’s a goal I plan to succeed in one day.

Every musician has their own style, that’s what makes all of them so entrancing and beautiful in their own way. Never forget what makes you stand out from others.