SHUFFLE ALL

It’s the end of November, I’m drinking cold brew, and starting this out on my phone. My laptop died a few days ago, so I’m resorting to this alternative method. Hopefully it’s just an issue with the power cable, and not the laptop itself (I’ll know in a few days when the replacement cord arrives). Otherwise, I’ve more than likely lost the drawing I was working on. Downside of digital art. But I have my notebooks, sketchbook, and phone, so I can still work on some things and try not to think about how fast this week off of work went by. Part of me is dreading going back on Monday. But I told myself I wasn’t going to think about that. It’s the end of November and I’m in a coffee shop listening to Fu Manchu and trying to stay inspired.

It’s the end of May and I’m exhausted and drained. I tend to measure time in school years because I teach, so it’s the end of the year for me in a sense. Somehow time seems to go by way too fast and excruciatingly slow at the same time. Perception, I tell you what. And mine? Mine feels goofed and distorted lately. Just one more thing on top of running emotionally and mentally and spiritually on fumes. But there are some students you helped do the best they’ve ever done in math. And you hope there was some positive influence, despite feeling you have nothing to give. It’s the end of May, and I’m sitting outside my house, listening to All Them Witches, beer in hand, and having a cry.

It’s January and I’m making a list of things I want to accomplish this year. I don’t do resolutions. Coming up with and placing major life changing expectations on myself that I might follow through on for a few weeks just to be derailed by things both outside and inside myself so I end up feeling frustrated and like a failure? No thank you. But a list? A list I can do. I know I’ll get some of those projects done and can check those off throughout the year and add new ones that spawn off of those. I won’t get them all done, mind you, but I know I’ll have eventually accomplished something. It's a lot of irons in the fire, so to speak, but it's writing and art, so it's not like those things get moldy or whatever. Find it's good, at least for me, to have a lot of different ideas to work on. If I lose steam or creativity in one, I can go to another until inspiration strikes for another. I know I'll still get frustrated and annoyed that I'm not just cranking through whichever one I happen to make priority, but I'll live. It's January, I'm going through music to help get the creative juices flowing, and I've settled on some CCR.

It’s December and, thankfully, my laptop is working. It was just the charger that was broken, which was easy enough to replace. I’m on break from work, which is even better, so I can put more energy into writing. Hopefully. I'm tired, dealing with a cough that just won't go away, and the classic seasonal depression. I didn’t complete all the writing projects I had originally set out to complete, but I wrote quite a bit, started new stories, and delved even more into poetry than I had previously anticipated. This back half of the year was exhausting for me, with a rough start to the 2024-2025 work year, and getting sick multiple times, so I’m pretty pleased to look back on my output this year, though I also feel I haven’t been as active as I would have liked. Still doubt everything I write and feel like an absolute imposter. I suppose that's the struggle, isn't it? But I've got to keep doing this. It’s December, I’m listening to King Buffalo, and we will see what tomorrow brings.

It's March, and spring break is starting. At some point, it became a tradition to listen to Torche on the drive home from work on that last day before the break starts. Not sure when exactly that started. I saw Torche live for my birthday in March almost a decade ago now. Was with some friends and someone I cared about. None of them are part of my life now. Is what it is. People go in different directions and you never know how things will play out, and it's not great to play too long in "what ifs" though I guess it's natural for our brains to wonder what the alternate scenarios of our lives look like. Things could be better. Things could be worse. Profound, I know. It's March, I'm listening to Torche, and I'm a year older, but not much wiser.

It's July and I think I bit off more than I could chew. Had this big project in mind that I started working on and tried to learn slash train myself on how to do it, but it turned out to be a bit more complicated than I was mentally prepared for. It's still definitely doable, but I'm going to have to rethink my approach and how I'm going to get it done. The good thing about starting all these projects is that something always comes out of it. It wound up spawning some, as of yet, unfinished story ideas, as well as a burst of art. There's something to be said about forward motion and just working on ideas. Not everything gets completed immediately, or turns out the way it was initially envisioned. Hell. It might not even be good. Just a rambling, borderline incoherent mess of thoughts. But maybe that's okay sometimes. People are messy, and maybe the occasional moments of raw vulnerability are healthy. That's not to say we should just throw any old crap out there, or make excuses for ourselves, or not strive for self improvement. Guess it's about learning to have a little bit of grace for myself in the midst. It's July, I'm listening to Norma Jean, and still trying to figure it all out.

It's December 31, I'm listening to Carpenter Brut, and I'm about to start it all again.