Self-Obsessed

Chorus

Staring in the mirror,

I see ya,

Spending everyday,

Sayin- I’d never be ya’,

Yet, here I am,

Talkin’ to the man, I was just like,

Guess your absence, really didn’t mean much,

Cause I was womanizing,

And a nigga stayed lyin’,

Always on the hunt, for what’s next,

So, I can’t be upset,

I was just too obsessed-

With pointing fingers,

Thinking, it would help with the stress of…

Verse 1

Being fifteen,

And- sexual active,

With a woman, almost ten years my senior,

And being a teen who lacked confidence,

It surely changed my demeanor,

Saw demons within her,

Hell-

She even had me praying with her,

Like-

Father, please help us,

We both being selfish,

Take away, this temptation of the flesh,

Cause it’s getting the best of us both,

Oh!

And if anyone asks you, if we having sex-

Tell em no,

And I was like, okay,

If I agree to this,

We’ll keep up the sneaky shit?,

And keep giving in to our wants-

Cool,

Until she missed her time of the month,

Now, she’s laying next to me,

Like we need to be done…

Damn, chill girl,

My father had his first kid- in ninth grade,

So, it looks to me, in some ways,

I’m on the same path, that he paved,

Granted-

That man-

Wasn’t around one day,

So why…

Chorus

When I’m,

Staring in the mirror,

I see ya,

Spending everyday,

Sayin- I’d never be ya’,

Yet, here I am,

Talkin’ to the man, I was just like,

Guess your absence, really didn’t mean much,

Cause I was womanizing,

And a nigga stayed lyin’,

Always on the hunt, for what’s next,

So, I can’t be upset,

I was just too obsessed-

With pointing fingers,

Thinking, it would help with the stress,

Of giving it my best, to be…

Verse 2

Nothing like you-

It’s saddens me,

Bitter and spiteful,

Consumed by hatred,

A tragic ballad,

Your absence did nothing but-

Fill me with malice,

Eventually-

Nothing but sadness,

Like…

How can you go about living,

Not knowing your child,

But somehow,

You claim to be proud,

Yo fam’, pointing fingers,

At my momma,

How?

Saying, she kept you,

From coming around,

That shit is wild,

And those are not facts,

For twenty plus years,

You knew where I was at,

For twenty plus years,

I just needed a father,

And that-

Right there-

Is what made it harder,

It made me, dig deep inside,

Suck up my pride,

Cause later in life,

When I needed you most,

I told you I did,

You told me you’d be there,

Then, you went ghost…

Yet-

When I’m…

Chorus

Staring in the mirror,

I see ya,

Spending everyday,

Sayin- I’d never be ya’,

Yet, here I am,

Talkin’ to the man, I was just like,

Guess your absence, really didn’t mean much,

Cause I was womanizing,

And a nigga stayed lyin’,

Always on the hunt, for what’s next,

So, I can’t be upset,

I was just too obsessed-

With pointing fingers,

Thinking, it would help with the stress of-

Dealing with your death…

Verse 3

Cause now-

When I look to the clouds,

Im just hoping,

That you staring down,

Pops, Look at me now,

I hope that-

You can rest peacefully,

This will be it for me,

I cannot carry hate needlessly,

So, listen up-

Here’s my confession,

Not having you there-

Was simply a blessing,

Not having you there-

Yeah, It taught me hard lessons,

Provided direction,

Beyond a reflection,

As a father myself,

I’ve made some mistakes,

And now as a man,

I can kinda relate,

But, I know for my kids,

I’ll do whatever it takes,

Ride for em,

No brakes,

No matter the stakes,

Sincerely-

I give you my thanks,

You opened my eyes-

Helped shape my life,

So Benny,

Until that day-

When life starts anew,

This is the end-

From the son,

That you never knew…

Self-

For many years, I struggled with distancing myself from my father. Obsessed with being nothing like him.

The very thought consumed me. Haunted me. Growing up and seeing more…

And more…

Of him, within myself, when I looked in the mirror.

Self-

Struggling to accept the things that couldn’t be changed.

I refused to allow myself to be anything like him…

Until the day, I realized I was. Realizing my efforts to separate myself from him were unsuccessful… I needed to confront him. Needed to confront the past. The pain & trauma.

I needed freedom. I needed peace. I needed closure.

This is the end of our story.

Only done to protect…

Self-

✍🏾 June 8, 2022