Overcome Heartache in 21 Songs

Well, kids, another year, another Valentine's Day has come and gone. To millions of people around the world (we'll call them Group A), it was a wonderful 24-hour period filled with flowers, candy, thoughtful gestures, and all the other trimmings that often make human relationships so very worthwhile.

But to millions of others (let's keep it simple and call them Group B), it was a tragic day that served only to shine a spotlight on personal inadequacies, accentuate a crippling sense of loneliness, and enhance a deeply-ingrained fear of dying unloved and all alone.

For your sake, I sincerely hope you're a member of Group A. But in the event that you're stuck in Group B - marinating in past disappointments and paralyzed at the thought of trusting someone with your heart - I'm here to tell you that there is a way to break the bitter Valentine's Day cycle.

The following playlist has been assembled by the world's leading heartbreak-ologists to guide you through all four steps of the heartache process: numbness, anger, depression, and finally, resolution. Read and listen carefully and soon you and someone special will be chilling up in Group A with all the other flower-sniffing chocoholics. May this be your last anti-Valentine's Day.

Let's get started.

Phase I - The Numb Phase

The first few days or weeks after a romantic disappointment often go by in a blur. The person you once did everything with is no longer by your side, leaving you with an abundance of eerily quiet extra time on your hands. Your whole daily routine is off, and you might find yourself repeatedly walking into rooms or driving around in your car for no real reason. Your entire existence feels like you're posing for a picture and you're not sure what to do with your hands.

Also, you're plagued with questions - is this permanent? will we get back together? how is the other person feeling? are they seeing someone new? And you're kind of angry, and kind of sad, and kind of excited about the idea of being free - but the most overwhelming feeling is one of being lost. You have officially entered the Numb Phase.

For this phase, experts recommend the following:

(1) "Why?" by Annie Lennox.

You're in an uncertain place right now, so go ahead and bask in it with this melancholy, semi-creepy song about self-doubt and things left unsaid. When you're looking for clarity, the title says it all. "Why?"

(2) "Yesterday" by the Beatles.

This one's a no-brainer, but it's absolutely essential for this stage of your recovery - especially if your relationship ended unexpectedly. It covers everything from the feeling of being incomplete to the urge to run away and hide from the world. To get the full effect, try listening to it while standing next to a window and staring blankly into the distance, slowly shaking your head.

(3) "Nothing Compares 2 U" by Prince (duet with Rosie Gaines).

Prince is rightly hailed as one of the greatest performers, sex symbols, and musicians to have ever walked the earth. In addition to all that, he also possessed incredible skills as a lyricist. Every line of this song - every. single. one. - is poetic tragedy. In the wake of failed romance, you're free to do whatever you want and see whomever you choose, but nothing can take the place of what you've lost. "I could put my arms around every boy I see," sings Rosie Gaines, "but they'd only remind me of you."

(4) "Have You Seen Her?" by the Chi-Lites.

Now you have to take things back a few years with this lonely little number from 1971. It's not really a song so much as a conversation with musical accompaniment. It's all about the feeling of not knowing what to do without your significant other - the perfect background music for your long drives to nowhere. "I've been used to having someone to lean on, and I'm lost...Baby, I'm lost."

(5) "Stone Cold" by Demi Lovato.

Towards the end of the numb phase, you'll begin insisting to your friends that you're over it. "It sucks," you'll say, "but it is what it is." You might even say that you and your ex are okay just being friends and you don't really care what they do now. This is what psychologists call denial, and Demi Lovato is here to demonstrate. She says she's happy that her ex has moved on, but I don't know...that tone in her voice suggests something else.

Phase II - The Anger Phase

As the fog of numbness begins to lift, your thoughts and emotions begin to sharpen and reemerge. And guess what? You are pissed the fuck off! This is especially true if your piece of shit ex left you for someone else or moved on a little too quickly for your liking. You'll start to realize how they lied to you about certain things, went behind your back on a number of occasions, and actively conspired to sabotage what you thought was a perfect relationship. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Anger Phase.

Ironically, this phase can actually be kind of cathartic and fun if you handle it correctly. It's very liberating to have a target for all of your negative energy. Really, who hasn't sat down with a group of friends and enjoyed a good rant session? Just be careful that your anger phase doesn't turn into a blind rage phase. You can go too far with this (see also: "Kim" by Eminem and "The Thunder Rolls" by Garth Brooks - the version that contains the third verse, not the censored radio version). We don't wanna see you on the news.

For this phase, experts recommend the following:

(6) "You Oughta Know" by Alanis Morissette. It is imperative that you listen to this song immediately after listening to "Stone Cold." Why? Because this song is that song's evil twin.

Alanis starts off by saying the exact same thing that Demi said - "I want you to know that I'm happy for you..." - but then launches into all the awesomely venomous shit that Demi was trying so hard to hold back. This is market-fresh '90s angst right here - the song you listen to when you're thinking about slashing your ex's tires or spray-painting the word LIAR across the front of their house in big letters. (Don't do those things, by the way.) No anger phase is complete without it.

(7) "Song for the Dumped" by Ben Folds Five. As I mentioned earlier, the anger phase can actually be enjoyable in its own twisted way. This upbeat piano bar anthem is absolute proof of that. Call it gallows humor, but sometimes you just have to laugh bitterly in your ex's face and say, "I wish I hadn't bought you dinner...Give me my money back, you bitch."

(8) "I Don't Fuck with You" by Big Sean.

Perhaps the most enjoyable thing you can do while working your way through the anger phase is to drive around (alone or with friends) blasting a song that lets everyone around you know that you don't give a fuuuuuuck about your ex. There's no subtlety here. You just have to let 'em know. "I got a million trillion things that I'd rather fucking do...than to be fuckin' with you."

(9) "I Hope" by Gabby Barrett.

Gradually, the rawness of the early anger phase will give way to a more mature style of resentment. You're not breaking windshields and calling people names anymore; instead, you're deeply wounded and not yet ready to forgive. Then one day you hear bad news about your ex. Turns out, their new relationship ended in bitter failure and they've been spiraling into a deep dark depression ever since. You hear this news, turn it over in your mind, and smile.

(10) "Fuck It (I Don't Want You Back) by Eamon.

No healthy person can stay angry forever, and at some point your anger phase will begin to fizzle out. That doesn't necessarily mean that you and your ex will suddenly become besties. It just means that you're learning how to say "fuck it" and let go of the situation. When your friends ask you about it, you'll say things like "I don't even wanna think about that" or "That shit's not even worth being upset over." But be forewarned, this is a false ending. Underneath your hard exterior lurks the seeds of the next phase.

Phase III - The Depression Phase

Now comes the heavy lifting. After staring at the wall and then punching a hole through it, you must now confront the original question: why? Why have you been putting yourself through all of this? What was it about your former love interest that pushed you to such extremes?

The simple fact is that it's humiliating to be heartbroken. When you show your innermost being to someone, take them to all your special places, tell them things you've never told anyone else, and allow them to do the same in return, it hurts like hell when they decide it's not compelling enough to make them stay in your life. All those horrible childhood memories about no one wanting to play with you come rushing back to torment you. Pretty soon you begin to worry that no one will ever love you - or worse, that you don't deserve to be loved. And this, dear reader, is what we call the Depression Phase.

For this phase, experts recommend the following:

(11) "Crying" by Roy Orbison

The opening lines of this haunting classic perfectly encapsulate the transition from the last phase to this new one: "I was alright for a while / I could smile for a while / But I saw you last night / You held my hand so tight /As you stopped to say hello / Oh, you wished me well / You couldn't tell that I'd been crying over you."

(12) "Operator (That's Not the Way It Feels)" by Jim Croce

Depression Phase thus established, you will now find yourself fighting the constant urge to call or text your ex. You'll say you just want "closure" - to clear the air, talk about your feelings, clarify a few things they might have misunderstood. But honestly, it doesn't matter how it goes down. You're lonely. And as long as they reply in one way or another - even if it's an argument - you can keep telling yourself that there's still a chance it's not really over. Because it's not really over. At least...that's not the way it feels.

(13) "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again" by Andrew Lloyd Webber

Clearly, the Depression Phase isn't quite as much fun as the Anger Phase, but it's a lot more theatrical - which can be fun if you're into that sort of thing. Overwrought feelings are the stuff of classical operas and Broadway shows, which means you'll want to have this song on your playlist so you can scream into your bathroom mirror about how your world was shattered, how you've spent years fighting back tears, and how you wish the past could just die.

(14) "I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt

At some point, though, you just need to cut the drama and face up to reality. If someone doesn't want to be with you, there's not much you can really do about it. So, try doing what Bonnie Raitt does in this lyrical masterpiece from 1991. Set aside a single night to mourn the loss of your relationship. And when that night is over, just give up the fight and move on. You can't make them love you if they don't.

(15) "You Don't Love Me Anymore" by Weird Al Yankovic

Most people know Weird Al for his parodies of other artists' hit songs, but this little gem is an original you can find tucked away at the end of his Off the Deep End album. As you feel yourself nearing the end of your Depression Phase, you'll want to listen to this for three reasons: (1) because you need to hear how nice Weird Al's real singing voice is (who knew?); (2) because the tone and instrumentation are really quite beautiful; and (3) because it's a perfect example of just how stupid the Depression Phase really is. What will it take for you to figure out how terribly this person has been treating you? When will you finally decide to look for something better?

Phase IV - The Resolution Phase

And then it happens. One day you wake up and realize that you just don't care anymore. You're not sad. You're not angry. You're not wondering what your ex is doing. You're not worried about who they might be doing it with. You're just...fine. Like they say, the true opposite of love is not hate; it's indifference. And saints be praised, that's exactly what you're feeling.

All that heartache was just a part of life. It sucked at the time, but now you're over it and off to greener pastures. You may not be sure of what comes next, but instead of feeling lost and directionless, you feel excited about the endless possibility of it all. Somewhere out there is a person who'll be happy you chose to share your life with them. And in the meantime, you'll always have the pleasure of your own awesome company. This, dear friends, is the Resolution Phase.

For this phase, experts recommend the following:

(16) "Hard Candy Christmas" by Dolly Parton

This song is the Resolution Phase set to music. As it opens, Dolly sounds a little sad and unsure of herself. What is she going to with herself now that she doesn't have a broken heart to occupy her time? Then the chorus hits and she lets you know that she's not at all defeated. She'll be just fine and dandy. Sorrow won't bring her down...And it won't bring you down either.

(17) "Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake

Awww yeah - this song is the soundtrack of triumph. As soon as it starts, lead singer David Coverdale makes it clear that he's made up his mind not to waste any more time. He's leaving a bad situation and striking out on his own. Like a drifter, he was born to walk alone. Being single has never sounded more exciting or rebellious.

(18) "Go Your Own Way" by Fleetwood Mac

One of the greatest feelings in life - and I truly truly hope you get to experience this at least once - is the feeling of vindication. If you're lucky, your ex will come crawling back to you just as you've made it safely into the Resolution Phase. This song is an instruction manual on what to do when that happens. You don't have to rude or spiteful. Just calmly explain how at one time you wanted more than anything to give them your world. "But how can I, when you won't take it from me?" Then politely invite them to go their own way.

(19) "Stronger" by Britney Spears

But in the event that you have to be a little more heavy-handed with your ex (say, for instance, if they were abusive in some way) please refer to this resolution classic by Britney Spears. No, you're not going back. And do you know why? Because you're too strong for that now.

(20) "Fighter" by Christina Aguilera

This song is similar to "Stronger" except that it throws more elbows and ultimately ends up in a better place. Christina has reached the level where she's not only stronger because of her experiences but actually thankful for what they've taught her. She's not a bitter, broken human being all afraid to fall in love again. She's a stronger, faster, smarter, more resilient fighter ready to take on all challenges. This is downright Biblical (James 1:12).

(21) "Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd

Congratulations, you have achieved final victory. After everything you've been through, you deserve a chance to wish your ex well and then head out epically, triumphantly into the distance. A lot of people make fun of this song for being a sort of redneck national anthem, but don't hate. There's no better celebration of personal freedom. "'If I stay here with you, well, things just couldn't be the same. 'Cause I'm as free as a bird now...And this bird you'll never change."

Fly high, free birds.