On Shuffle

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0YobwCtJmJxm3mXggs8bfp?si=5f27d27d4e284618

Angst is defined as a feeling of deep anxiety or dread, typically an unfocused one about the human condition. Simply put, being in a state of angst involves a stagnant negative energy. Unless we are good about thought tracing, we are usually unaware of where it’s coming from. Everything in the universe is made of atoms that vibrate constantly, even if we don’t notice it with the naked eye. Humans are not an exception. We, too, are made of atoms that cause us to vibrate at a certain frequency. I remember learning the energy equation in Physics class: E = hv; where E represents energy, h is Planck’s constant (6.626 x 10-34 J · s), and v is frequency. By looking at this equation, we know that there is a direct relationship between energy and frequency. Stressful situations, confusion, peer pressure, depression, etc. are all experiences we go through that can cause us to vibrate at a lower frequency. When we have a lower frequency, we tend to feel and give off “negative energy”.

During my younger years, I felt that I could not shake off this negative energy. I felt like it followed me around and I was trapped in a loop. Looking back now, I was stuck there because I was unaware of its roots. I was also unaware that I had the power to get out of that negative state. Angst is usually correlated with our teenage years because that’s when we experience the most changes. That’s when we are most confused and vulnerable. That’s when we are mostly influenced by our environments, causing a shift in our vibrational frequency and energies constantly. According to the laws of thermodynamics, energy cannot be created nor destroyed; however, it can be changed from one form to another. That means that if we do not consciously work on raising our frequency to a higher vibration, we will remain stuck on the low end of the spectrum.

We lived in the Philippines. My parents separated when I was 7 years old. They constantly argued, and quite frankly I cannot remember a time when they didn’t. To my excitement (sarcasm), I got to stay with my overprotective father who didn’t know the difference between normal parenting and enmeshment. He verbally and emotionally abused me until I fully believed that I was worthless. I was never allowed to pursue anything that would help me grow as a person. If I were to hangout with my friends, I’d (literally) have to pitch the idea to him a week before with ironed out details. Any deviation from the pitch (e.g. someone last minute decides to come with us, and I didn’t update him on that detail) will result in 2 hours of yelling. It became such an ordeal to seek permission to go anywhere that at some point, I gave up on it completely. I was wrapped in an array of negative emotions, but I didn’t know how to interpret them. I put my headphones on, iPod on shuffle, and the universe pointed to “I’m Just a Kid”, by Simple Plan.

“And maybe when the night is dead, I’ll crawl into my bed. I'm staring at these four walls again. I'll try to think about the last time I had a good time, everyone's got somewhere to go. And they're gonna leave me here on my own.”

I played it on repeat until I felt like I couldn’t relate to it anymore. It was somehow comforting to know that something out there understood how I felt. I started to believe that I could be free if somebody came to save me from that life. As I was watching MTV one day, Avril Lavigne’s music video came on. “I’m With You” was newly released, and I had a habit of only watching music videos if I knew the song. However, this time every bone in my body told me not to change the channel. So I listened.

“Isn't anyone trying to find me? Won't somebody come take me home? It's a damn cold night, trying to figure out this life. Won't you take me by the hand, take me somewhere new? I don't know who you are but I... I'm with you.”

I felt like my feelings were being validated for the first time. If Avril Lavigne feels that way, that means I’m not alone in this. I’m not weird for feeling this way. Once again, the lyrics helped me understand what I was feeling, and I was able to pinpoint the source of my negative energy. I knew why I was unhappy. Knowing where your emotions are rooted from help you shift your beliefs about yourself. That’s when I decided that I was going to keep seeking answers, and there’s a better life for me somewhere out there. I decided that my physical prison didn’t have to keep my mind locked up. I spent more time sitting by my bedroom window and looking up at the sky. The vastness of it gave me hope, and that I wouldn’t be here forever. Since I didn’t have many people to discuss my feelings with, I consulted the most renowned therapist in the world: the shuffle feature on my iPod. I didn’t expect an answer from Kelly Clarkson, but when she sang “Grew up in a small town, and when the rain would fall down I'd just stare out my window”, my eyes widened. In that moment, it was indeed raining. And I was staring out my window. Even though I haven’t figured out the message yet, I knew I had to keep listening. After a few minutes of just listening, I found myself singing along to this particular part of the song:

“I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly. I’ll do what it takes 'til I touch the sky. And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change… And breakaway.”

In that moment, I felt the power of my inner self wanting to break free. And in that moment, I realized that I didn’t have to wait for a knight in shining armor. I didn’t have to wait for someone to set me free. I can set myself free. I started reading every encyclopedia and every book to gain more knowledge about the world. In a sense, I was setting myself free by letting my mind expand. I started writing short stories and poems to express my emotions. I learned that even without an audience, I can still express myself.

Do you know the saying, “Be careful what you wish for?” Remember when I was asking the universe for someone to take me somewhere else? During this whole narrative, my mom began a new life in America. I did not physically see her for 10 years of my life, but we exchanged phone calls every Sunday. On the year of my high school graduation, my mom invited my sister and I for a vacation in California. It was up to me to decide if we were going. I made a decision to see the world out there, being my own superhero and my sister’s. I was going on this amazing trip, then go back to the Philippines for college and live happily ever after with my then-boyfriend. I should have been careful with that wish. Due to some circumstances, my mom told us that we can no longer go back home. I blinked a few times and realized that I was just uprooted from my life. I didn’t get to say goodbye or prepare myself, but here I was. I know, I also thought I was doing so well; but I began vibrating in the same frequency as my “I’m Just a Kid” self. This time though, my negative emotions were on steroids. In an effort to “make it better”, my mom took my sister and I on countless trips before school started. I remember sitting in the passenger seat on a drive to Yosemite with my headphones on. I was so angry. I went through a break-up and blamed my mom for it. I was feeling all kinds of negative energy that I couldn’t shift, and in that moment I made a decision. Let’s just end it here. I’m done. I began brainstorming on ways to leave this earth. And just when I hit shuffle…

“Even if I say it'll be alright, still I hear you say you want to end your life. Now and again, we try to just stay alive. Maybe we'll turn it all around 'cause it's not too late, it’s never too late.”

Wow. Basically, the universe was using 3 Days Grace to tell me “Don’t do it.” I didn’t even know who to thank for that, but I’m glad I listened. It was a wake up call. Even if I couldn’t see it yet, what I was going through was necessary to bring me to my destiny. Even though the process is painful, there’s a reason for it. It was all temporary, and I needed to stick around long enough to see where my fate would lead to. I took a deep breath, and erased the thought in my head. I will be better than this. I let myself enjoy my time with my family in Yosemite. On our drive back, I hit shuffle once again, and it was Michelle Branch’s turn to talk to me.

“If I just breathe, let it fill the space between, I'll know everything is alright. Breathe, every little piece of me, you'll see everything is alright… If I just breathe.”

To this day, that is my go-to technique when I’m feeling anxious or out of balance. I breathe. I take deep breaths and allow myself to reset. I am now a fitness coach, and next month I will officially be a student of physical therapy. I still emphasize on the importance of breathing optimally, and use this a foundation for my clients’ fitness regimen. I look back at the times when I held my breath, and all I can imagine is how I felt. My journey to this point was very difficult, but I know I’m not the only one. We all go through bouts of confusion and anxiety while feeling helpless. If you are reading this right now and you can relate to my story, this is your version of the iPod shuffle. You’re going to be okay. The last song on my list is for you, and it’s a message from Pink:

“Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood… Miss "No way, it's all good", it didn't slow me down. Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated. Look, I'm still around. Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever ever feel like you're less than, less than perfect. Pretty pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing, you are perfect to me!”

When that song came on shuffle, I didn’t realize its significance. I thought that somehow my iPod shuffle technique doesn’t always work, and the universe won’t always reveal its secrets to me. But, the more I learn about myself and the world, I realized that I have to share it with others. My journey to self discovery was never meant to be just for me. I was forced to learn it so I can tell you that it’s all going to be okay. You have the answers within you, you just have to listen and seek them. I began my journey drowning in negative energy, but life taught me how to transform that into a higher frequency. With that knowledge, now I am truly free. My teenage angst playlist wasn’t just something I listened to. More importantly, it led me towards a journey of growth and self discovery.