My year in music.

This is my entry for the "The Soundtrack of Your Year" challenge. It hasn't been a fantastic year but I have done my very best and being here has made it so much better so Thank you Vocal and my friends on here.

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The beginning of the year was pretty much all about missing the beautiful Turkish girl I'd left behind in Istanbul and remembering all the good times and adventures we went on while I was there a whole month. I really like listening to Boy Genius so I found myself listening to this song quite a bit:

True Blue - Boy Genius

I had a one track mind and all I seemed to think about was getting back to Istanbul again. The plan was for April 2024. I thought it might be my anxious attachment style but I felt like she was pulling away a little and this made me want to get there asap! I would close my eyes and listen to this song over and over remembering singing it with her and her daughter. I thought hard about where I really considered home to be.

Runaway - Aurora

Months past and it was beginning to look like it wasn't just my anxiety that was causing me to think she was pulling away from me. She and I began arguing often about her not wanting to talk about us, or anything serious, in fact she said it was getting boring when we chat and I was really hurt over that. Finally it was March and I was raring to go but she was indecisive about me booking the flight. Finally she let me book it but I gotta admit I wasn't feeling very wanted. I hoped that would change but I wasn't very sure where we were headed. I went back and listened to an old song I hadn't heard in a many, many years, and I played it a lot for a few days before heading off on the plane.

Fleetwood Mac - Beautiful Child

I had arrived in Istanbul. She seemed happy to see me but then she dropped the bomb I wish she'd told me before. It was tax season there too and she's an accountant so it meant she wouldn't be able to take off any days the 2 weeks I was there other than her usual Sundays off. We fought and it was stressful for a couple days. I was angry and said angry things. This was my go to song during that time when she was away and I was sitting in her apartment all day alone.

When I'm Not Around - Jessie Murph

The 2 weeks went very fast. We did some things together in the evenings, visited with some mutual friends, but the physical contact was very limited and nothing was the same. I wondered why she even let me come visit. I felt angry but really mostly sad.

Sad Soul - Valvet

I cried like a stupid baby when I had to leave. All her family wanted me to extend my trip like last time but she said having a guest a month was a bit too much for her. She said she was having problems at work. So I left knowing feeling this was probably the last time I would ever see her. At this moment things felt very hopeless and I would have done, or put up with anything just to stay there with her. I didn't want to leave. Hell, I was scared to leave.

Funeral Pyre - Julien Baker

I was home again. I went through a stage of feeling very sorry for myself. She hardly wanted to chat. She was playing our online game less and less. I couldn't figure out what I had done wrong. Turkish culture was so different and I kept asking her what I said or did that may have offended her but she just would say everything is fine.

Creep - Radiohead

Months have passed and it's September. She quit her job because they were mistreating her and she has told me that with her new job we'll rarely be able to chat yet she sits on Instagram all day long. Depression hit! And it hit hard. I was living in my bed like a tomb.

Breath Me - Sia

Things are still very bad. It's July and she's quit the game completely so now the only way we can chat is Instagram. She won't video chat with me anymore so Whatsapp is a wipe. I honestly see no purpose to even wake up in the morning.

Smother - Daughter

I re-joined a bunch of my writing groups on Zoom. It's almost October and I need to get out of this bed and do something! I had joined a writer's site in January but never posted anything so I started posting some old poetry. Then I posted some new poetry. Then I got a few followers, joined some Facebook groups run by creators on the site I was writing on. I'm trying to make things better, maybe look for the positive things but I miss her so much. Still I can't help but think we're through. I probably need to let her go... Somehow.

Where I stood - Missy Higgins

Currently, it's almost Thanksgiving. She had a birthday and I sent her money. I probably shouldn't have but we did chat some. She's explained some personal things and of course I want more but I have to start accepting that there is no more she can give. She said she still loves me but not the way I need her to. I'm just taking it day by day now.

Today Has Been OK · Emilíana Torrini

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Thanks for reading this and if you listened to the music I hope you felt something. I listen mainly to a Indie/Alternative type music. Anyway, I'm grateful I was welcomed into this community. I had to do something and I think I made the right move to here.

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