My 2024 Playlist

The year is wrapped in a cloudy layer of memory fog. Where the beginning of the year seems like a distant reality. If anything I see the future a lot more clearly. That being said, I find that I struggle to remember a lot of things because I am shifting; I am transforming. A few months ago, I had the realization that I was not who I wanted to be and I was falling into repetitive cycles of trauma and depression. Ultimately, I was sick of it. I had to make it feel better. And If I was going to grow then I needed to look at what I had been doing, accept that the past served me, but no longer does and move on to what I wanted to become. And even with the year coming to a close, I am not done this change. In fact it is only the beginning. However, I understand that the past plays a significant role in who we become, and since I believe this to be true, than perhaps we can live through it again in the songs I listened too over and over again.

January – Devil in a Midnight Mass By Billy Talent

January was a month of remembering. While I was suppose to be looking forward to all the things coming in 2024, I was lost in the past. And while I would return to this concert in a heartbeat, playing this song over and over again was opening another past door. Despite my better judgment I was forced to revisit the religious trauma I’d dealt with as a child/teenager. I was obsessing over cults and extreme religions and couldn’t listen to enough podcasts or documentaries about them. There was something in so many of these stories that I saw, and I was forced to look back and into my own religious journey. Because ultimately I was so against saying I had any religious trauma, I wanted to believe I was just doing the normal thing. Instead, I found myself listening to this song, and a number of other Billy Talent Songs that made me feel the rage I had about church and organized religion. Because it was the safest avenue to express how I was feeling all these years later. Because my religious exploration was not just a naïve teenager exploration of faith. It was a co-dependency on the promise of being accepted while being taught to be controlled and compliant in the name of faith. This song in particular was my safe space. It was the place to just be mad and to sing along. Here I could safely critic institutionalized religion and start to release my trauma. And for that I will forever be grateful to this song.

February – Fiesta by Charly Black, Jugglerz

After the safety of sheading some past religious trauma and shame. I came into February able to explore other areas of my life. A big one being my sexuality. Because well I had only dated boys, I thought girls were really pretty. And without the scary church shame, I could actually think about it. I wanted to erase the idea that I couldn’t like girls. And I was successful, but that meant Which that what was a little “no big deal” girl crush into a bigger deal… There was a girl in my dance class. That I was undeniable into. And in this portion of our dance hall performance. I was dancing next to her a fair bit. Let me tell you, I was a teenager all over again. Gone was the cool girl, the one who thought a crush was no big deal, “Let’s have a drink and see what happens” girl. I became a bumbling blushing fool when I talked about her. Oh and talking to her in class was impossible. And while I am not proud to admit it, I replayed this song so that I could dream about dancing beside her. In my defense, it also made me believe that hey we can look hot! I can look great and be a great dancer, so perhaps listening to this song was the perfect way to make myself the dancer I got to be on stage! Plus now I know for sure, I am 100% bi-sexual. Which was just another layer of who I was. This song is always going to make me think of her. But It was proof that I was changing.

March- Affluenza by Theory of a Deadman

March was the beginning of a brain fog. I felt like I was never going to get out of the debt I had. Both my student and my master card debt. I found solace in this song, because it made me feel like I wasn’t alone. That it was a world problem… because what they were singing about wasn’t wrong. Everyone was broke. And I couldn’t see a light. I couldn’t find myself anymore. And I thought maybe I wasn’t changing.

April – Red, White, Boom by Motionless in White.

April didn’t fair much better. While I was excited to take my first road trip with my new car and to see my parents. The money stress was still eating me alive. And I wanted to be angry instead of sad at the world. To which I re-found Motionless in White waiting for me. In particular “America” and “Red, White, Boom”, because in these songs I could rage against the system that I felt was forcing me into having nothing. And while I still hate the current system .I had to both embrace, and let go of this anger. Because I couldn’t snap my fingers and change it, but I also couldn’t stay stuck here. If all I could be was angry… than I was never going to change my situation and I would never have hope to change someone else’s situation. I still badly want to fight for justice… But I needed a turn around. I just didn’t know how to or what I needed to change.

May – The Matrix by Mother Mother

Was it the song or was it my own brain that became aware that I did not want to live in The Matrix? Or any dystopian for that matter. And the signs of a scary future where inherently beginning to become real. I felt like I was walking up again. I dove head first into novels and every critical thought on humanity. I’m sure a number of my friends thought I was crazy. Because I was raving about the issues of the world and how we aren’t close to living in a broken dystopian… we are living one. While I was still mad at my own financial downfall and how I got there. I was also mad at the news, I was mad at humanity as a whole. But what could I do to fix it (I still don’t have an answer yet but I want to try to make some impact.) And I sang this song as an anthem! I was not going to roll over and live like this. I’m pretty sure this was when I started to call myself an angsty adult teenager as well. I thought I was about to change for good and start fighting for justice.

June – The Death of Peace of Mind By Bad Omens

I crashed. I burnt out. And I knew that every time I sang this song. That I was repeating a cycle again. “Thought I could change, thought I could make it”. And I was upset about it. But it was songs like this that gave me a reason to feel and be safe in that feeling of failure.

July – Ghost by Badflower

Anyone who has listened to this song knows. July I was sad. I won’t be assumed of it. I have never gotten away from depression. But I hope I am stronger and I have the tools now.

August – Francesca by Hozier

At this point I just wanted to make it to his concert. Life felt hard, I felt defeated. I was at rock bottom. But then I heard this song and something changed. I didn’t want anything to change about the life I was living. Because even though it was hurting me so much at this point, life had given me so many amazing things. I mean I was literally going to his concert with one of my best friends. How was this not amazing and worth some of the struggle. And then we saw him. And he put on an amazing show. But he spoke from his soul. He talked about all the struggles of the world right now. And there was power in that room. I needed to go on. I was in fact still changing myself into the person I was dreaming of being.

September – Use My Voice – Evanescence

This was the month that I started to realize that even if I couldn’t do much, no one could take away my voice. And I intend to keep writing poems and speaking my thoughts. Because if I wanted to reach even just one person, who was struggling or in pain, then I couldn’t be quiet. This was the layer that started unfolding in March and it was the hardest transition to undergo. Because it meant that even if I was broke, depressed, repressed, and felt stuck; I have to fight for the life I want and the one I want for others. That I was in fact seeking a change that was a lot bigger than ‘just being happier”

October – Stuck by Nothing More Ft Sinizter

This song speaks for itself. But it was a part of this continues encouragement to break through and push forward. We are not stuck. It also pushed me towards getting into a mindset program that has been helping me release trauma and be my witchy self. SO if I haven’t gotten it through to you yet, I intend to create changes.

November – What Ever It takes by Imagine Dragons

This was my first emotional embodiment song… well the first one where I was aware of what I was doing. Where I took all the negative, messed up emotions. Felt them, sat with them and then decided what I wanted to feel instead. I wish it was as heartfelt and dramatic as the first few months were but in honesty it was as simple as that. And I found that yeah, I was going to do what ever it took to get to where I wanted to be. And I was singing this song in my car ever day to work. To remind myself that I can do this.

December – Get Up by Mother Mother

The year isn’t over. Neither is the change I have felt like I have been going through. It gives me hope to keep going. This song builds that feeling. The one of being down for so long, but of getting up and dusting yourself off. It always brings a smile to my face.

This year wasn’t easy. My music, like most years was all over the place. But it still carried me through and encouraged me. Music is like poetry to me. It has a message, a deeper meaning and it can inspire us to change, to try, to grow, and even to try and change the world. I don’t know if I will change the world. But my year in music has taught me one thing, there is still importance in spoken word. And even when I want to throw in the towel and quit…… Things always change… I’m always changing. And Even a small change can impact millions.