Letter to V.

Addressed to: The Valentine's Day

The Place of Loving Words and Actions 2021 / 14 / 2

Planet Venus

Our universe

Dear Valentine's Day,

I never really told you what I think of you - to be honest, I told everyone but you. And this is not fair- I don't like people talking behind my back either. It is the worst because you can't defend yourself or resolve the issues.

Since I am a 23-year-old woman now, it is time I face you straightforwardly and honestly.

Let's start with the "bad" things first. I know this might not be your fault entirely - but just the fact that you exist, makes me feel a certain way every year.

You make me feel lonely.

Here it is, the biggest cliche and a massive illusion because I don't feel lonely in that kind of way throughout the other days. I am well aware that actually, it is not true - I am not alone. I have friends, I have...

A lack of this person that in today's society is called a boyfriend. And you make this very clear to me. This is one of the reasons why I have mixed feelings towards you. See, the problem is that when I went out on the street today, I saw others holding hands, red roses and glittery smiles - while I was made painfully aware of the emptiness by my side. Of course, you might say this is not your fault - and it probably isn't, but you know what? I don't care.

I don't care about whose fault it is, because that is not what matters. This is me expressing how I feel about you, right? It doesn't have to be reasonable.

You make me think that I am not as self-sufficient, independent and strong as I strive to be. You make me wish for things that I cannot have right now. One of them is being able to hug (well ok, I admit this year specifically is a bit weird and all, because of this pandemic going on and on, but apart from that) ...

There is this one person I'd like to hug and talk to and laugh with, but we haven't seen each other for some time. We don't live in the same place. Most of the time, we talk through social media. Today I wished we could see each other face to face. Again, not your fault, but all the happy couples people drinking to-go coffee and hot chocolate gazing into each other's eyes on the streets in my hometown they weren't specifically making it better, you know.

And before you ask, we are not together. I don't know if we'll ever be.

Have you ever experienced a relationship with someone with who you feel so at ease, connected and understood, you're actually afraid to ruin it by taking it further to ... what to call it - dating, romantic relationship, being together etc. ? It's hard because there's too much to risk.

I don't know if you of all eh- beings understand what this means... This is not why the human race invented you. On a day like you, I wonder how things would be if we were (not you and me, but the person I mentioned earlier) something more and just this thought alone is problematic and brings a certain amount of uneasiness into my heart.

I must admit I just tried to ignore the hell out of you in the last years - I am sorry. And as we all know, ignoring is not always as successful as we want it to be. Though I have one powerful coping mechanism and it is called music. It makes everything much more bearable. Some might think that I am going a little bit too far when I say that it helps you survive on this planet, but it really does.

I want to introduce to you songs that helped me cope with everything that is not so loveable. For me, every soundtrack is very often bound to a personal story or experience I was going through, and it helped or strengthened me during the process.

"As far as I can tell, it's kinda crazy

That you even care at all

Convincing everybody you can save me

But you're the one who made me fall"

There is this common belief that the most damaging and biggest heartbreaks come from a romantic relationship - in my case, I've learned that this is far from the truth. A long friendship that turns into a toxic relationship can be the hardest to overcome and let go of. You find yourself realizing that the person you believed to be there for you always, is the one who doesn't want you to become the best you can be - sometimes they don't want your happiness at all. This song helped me during a time of rebuilding confidence and trust, putting myself first and fighting for what I knew was my dream. The truth is, it motivated me to use someone's negative opinion as fuel and courage to show them how wrong they were about me. It was part of my healing process. I find it a good reminder today, as I am dealing with the same person harassing me on social media, trying again to show me, that I am the "bad" one. You just got to know your worth enough to know that this isn't right.

You see V.; love can turn into poison sometimes.

"I can imagine a world when my arms are embraced around you

I lie naked and pure with intentions to cleanse you and take you

The city howls with a cry to seduce you and claim you

So it's time

And it's a sad day for sure"

FKA twigs is an artist who's got the immense talent to make me feel things I hadn't felt before, or I didn't think I have them to feel it out. It exposes my vulnerability, my darker side - my weaknesses that I am trying to hide from myself and others. Imagine yourself diving deep down to the ocean ground, the mystic dark place where you'd think nothing can ever exist there. FKA twigs makes you do that and discover all the things you thought don't live within yourself.

But they do - and sometimes it is worth it to allow them to be, accept and give them a bit of love. Yes, LOVE! You read that right - on a day like You it comes easy to feel sad. For many, it can be literally a sad day. The song teaches me that I should love the darkest, hidden, longing and pathetic creatures within myself and throw a party with them, let them feel welcome, instead of ignoring them.

Secret: They don't stop existing, just because I pretend like they are not there.

What do you think, V.? Do you agree?

"You got a fast car

Is it fast enough so you can fly away?

You gotta make a decision

Leave tonight or live and die this way"

Have you ever thought that being together with someone will make it easier? A shoulder to lean on, a person you can trust, someone who actually makes you dinner, when you feel like not doing anything after a hard day?

No, we are definitely not going there today. I have to be honest here. I have never been in a relationship before, and this song is about a pair of people who lost their way, they were in love but got stuck and are not happy anymore. Is there a way for me to relate to that anyway?

I tend to have a very vivid imagination - I imagine scenarios and possible outcomes even before they had the chance to happen. It can be a gift as well as a curse. Sometimes I find myself in a vision where I'm unhappy and stuck within a relationship. I imagine all the struggles beforehand. I tell myself that this is my intuition speaking, but more often, it is just fear.

This song makes me hopeful and nostalgic. You'll never know how things are going to turn out until you just let it happen. Instead of directing my own sad drama in my head - I might give it a try to be present and let things evolve, instead of "flying away with your fast car" aka mind.

Getting wiser with every song, aren't we V.?

"And I'm watching the late show in my flat, all alone

How I hate to spend the evening on my own

Autumn winds

Blowing outside the window as I look around the room

And it makes me so depressed to see the gloom"

Of course, I had to include a classic like Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! - this is also one of my favourite songs by ABBA.

Ok, yes very boring introduction this time, but have you ever listened to it? This song never gets old!

Going back to the topic V. - I think these days we all wish we could throw a glamorous party (actually any will do) instead of "looking around the room and being depressed to see the gloom" - but maybe this song can help. It has the beat to stop complaining and start dancing! It brings me on my feet every time. I danced with a cat once and my mum or flatmate and, it's a memory I like coming back to in days where it feels especially gloomy.

Let's keep moving and dancing while no one is looking! Dancing in front of a mirror can be the best thing ever, and I'm speaking from experience, but please don't tell anyone.

"I’m not a piece of cake for you to just discard

While you walk away with the frosting of my heart

So I’m taking back what's mine, you'll miss"

Despite never being in a relationship - I went through some heartbreaks, and I need to say the bravest thing I've done is not letting my worth be dependent on someone else's behaviour towards me.

Yes, V. - I say "bravest" because all you want to do when you get disappointed is to blame yourself for it. Melanie Martinez was my best musical friend in times like these. Get back my autonomy, eat a lot of cake, because who can tell me not to? I belong to myself; no one can take that away from me.

"Cake" is an inspiring anthem for me against self-doubting thoughts. Sometimes you gotta be clear that they can't have you however and whenever they want. You're not a piece of cake, after all.

The metaphor of dessert food in her song is not a coincidence here.

So what if for You I want to belong to myself and the only cake is going to be eaten by me? Someone's gotta challenge the traditions.

Do not disturb

This time, this time I won't hold the line

Been givin' you time that you do not deserve

No, you're not mine, you just pretend to be

Don't need you tempting me with your alerts

I think the end of the letter is approaching - as I've told my most valuable lessons that I went through together with my musical companions.

There is one last song that I chose to end this letter with.

The message I get from it is clear and also the most difficult one;

Setting myself free.

In the end, dear V., it is not You who makes me feel bad, it's my expectations and the way I compare myself with others around me during that time.

It is a choice - by not letting myself being disturbed or discouraged by the fact that You are happening and everything that comes with it. In the end, it is up to me how I choose to react to You. And who knows, maybe I will put on some ABBA, and we can be friends while I'm happily doing my crazy dance in front of the mirror.

PS: I am glad I wrote this letter - it was a good thing to speak about it openly. I hope you liked some of the songs I told you about. Maybe this can be our little tradition from now on, V.?

Until next year.

Yours truly,

Agnes Melphis xx