L(ov/if)e Story

[A combination of “Letters of Gratitude” and “The Sountrack of Your Year” challenges]

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My love,

We are reaching the end of this first year, 2024, with no interruption of you in my mind and I want to thank you for your constant presence in my nomad life. I want to give you something that would remain in our minds no matter the passing-by of years to come. Since I know you love music as much as I do, this letter will be a humble musical depiction of what my world looked like/felt like throughout the year. I want you to see how, even when you were not physically there at times, you were always there with me.

(A piece of advice: I would recommend you to play the different songs as you go through the text, so that you get a feel of them all and maybe at times relive a bit of our first year together too.)

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January, February [“Kun Ma Mietin Sua niin uhhh”, Kauriinmetsästäjät]

Yes, we were together in Finland. Our first winter of this chess-like reality in black and white. Helsinki and my re-discovering it in wintertime. The impression I had of it on my own was of this white maze in the darkness with only furtive shadows passing by. Not surprisingly, I became a shadow myself: the cold kept us all immersed in ourselves. Not something completely new for me – you know I have always been a bit of a loner. And yet, the contrast (the shot in the arm, the shake, the shock) it has been for me to have your presence now in my life. Kun ma mietin sua niin uhhh... (“When[ever] I think/thought about you…”), the world, my world did change: …mun maailma menee susta aivan sekaisin (“…my world is/was going completely crazy!”). I remembered the first time we listened to this song. It was in the coziness and safety of the car. We were on our way back home, when out of Radio Helsinki it started to play. The chorus ended up being perhaps one of the very first things I could utter in my broken Finnish. Of course, I had no idea what I was saying, but somehow it felt right to say it to you. Now that I know the lyrics, they couldn’t be more accurate: you did turn my world upside down and showed me that indeed “happiness [is] only real when shared”. Thank you for being to me, my love: das Ende der Einsamkeit (the end of loneliness).

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March, [“Samskeyti”, Sigur Rós]

I went back to Mexico. Gosh did I miss you! In spite of the sun, the light, the blue sky, the bright colors all over the place, my humor again turned to the usual black. Melancholy, from the Greek µέλαινα χολή (melaina chole), this well-known (for me) black bile that shadows and darkens everything around me. And so, I went back to Sigur Rós, one of the bands I tend to go to whenever I am on my own. But this time, it was different (it was not all darkness and shadows) there was a promise (finally, the so-called light at the end of the tunnel): you. I would see you again! We just had to wait three months. (Countries really don’t care if you’ve met the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.) Fair enough. Hours and hours lying in my room, rolling on my bed, thinking: Was bringt die Zukunft? Hope, only hope. Just as the Tuomiokirkko once said. Thank you for being to me exactly that, my love: hope.

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April [“Starlight”, Muse]

As time passed by, and I was getting closer to the trip that would bring me back to you, little by little happiness started to show in my face, and whenever it reached its top, I would always, always go to that Muse’s song. Far away, this ship is taking me far away... I could only think of that trip when I first arrived in Helsinki on that cruise from Stockholm in 2022. When would I have even imagined that I was heading to the place where my future husband lived?! Not in a million years! And now I had the certainty of a starlight, you. I will be chasing a starlight until the end of my life. Those lyrics were just reading my heart like an open book. My life, you electrify my life! Let’s conspire to ignite! And we did have a plan already, as soon as I got in Helsinki. Hold you in my arms! I just want to hold you in my arms! The one and only prevailing wish. Thank you for giving me something to look forward to and a final destination to head to.

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May [“Blackbird”, The Beatles]

I went back to Canada. While I was staying in Sandra’s beautiful cabin in the woods, I listened again to a song I found last year in her records. How different from last year! Blackbird singing in the dead of night. Take these broken wings and learn to fly, and this time: Blackbird, fly into the light of the dark black night. I did (literally) fly into the light of the dark black night, that Helsinki winter we had just spent together. All your life you were only waiting for this moment to arrive. Could it be? All your life you were only waiting for this moment to be free. It was talking about our past, but also about what was about to come. I could only smile as I sat down on the bench staring at the mountains and the sea. Surprisingly, I could feel your presence there, just beside me. Thank you for being that shared freedom I had always been looking for.

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June [“When we get married”, Fruitgum Company]

Back to New York and this time with a mission –as Clare declared—: the wedding dress. Holy God! Hope never again! (Good that it’s an only once in a lifetime thing!) “You’ll be a June bride!” It sounded good, but poor Clare and I, we ended up so exhausted! Checking here, checking there. Appointments going up and down, west and south Manhattan. “Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue and a sixpence in your shoe.” “But if you don’t have one”, Clare would say to me, “a dime will do.” Feeling like a princess about to go see Prince Charming. (As much as my dark teen soul would have hated to say the words –I have to admit it since I cannot deny it—: you really are and will always be my charming prince.) Thank you for this new feeling, all this girly excitement I would’ve never experienced myself by choice.

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July [“Earth Angel”, The Penguins]

Finally back to you, back to Helsinki! Please be mine. Lama showed me this song last May while I was in Canada, and I would constantly revisit it, since it felt so accurate: I’m just a fool, a fool in love with you.” I couldn’t believe that we were actually doing it! When I saw the priest, I couldn’t help but think, “Does he know he’s about to perform this speech act of marrying us? His words will change the course of our lives forever.” And once we were already, saying ‘I do’. It was only you and me, like when we met, the Universe conspiring “against” us: I fell for you and I knew the vision of your love. The image of the swans you shared with me. Thank you for being my swan and “the [actual] vision of my love and happiness”.

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August [“Orchid”, Black Sabath]

This is the song I told you I was looking for! You may recognize it now. It appeared randomly every now and then during our honeymoon roadtrip around Scandinavia: Finland-Sweden-Norway. I did feel my wings, our wings flying together whenever it started to play. The mesmerizing landscape in front of us, the breeze from the window, the sunrays, and whenever I turned to see you, your gentle eyes on the road and your subtle smile. “I am definitely going to marry him!” I said to myself I don’t know how many times. Only to find out: “Wait! We are already married!” My heart couldn’t be happier. Now whenever I listen to it, I immediately see the empty roads ahead of us. Where will they lead us to? Can’t wait to discover and rediscover it all, holding your hand. Thank you for being my other travelling half, my travel companion for the rest of my life.

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September [“Fish Beach”, Michael Nyman]

The Day of the Blessing of our Marriage, about a year after we met for the first time in Uruguay. (Can you believe that?) It was beautiful to share with our beloved ones, family and friends joining two continents – they made it so special! But I really cherished this moment when everybody around us disappeared and we danced gently to this song. Every time I listen to it now, I am back there in your arms. Eyes closed. I know nothing bad can happen, as long as we are together, my love. I knew and I know we will have a tough road ahead of us –such is life—, but I just want to thank you for choosing me to go down the road with you. I will try my best to make it work. You have my trust, my respect, my love, my admiration, my full heart. Thank you for being you, my love.

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October, [“Two of a kind”, Kingston Wall]

Another gift from Tuuli, that day in the sauna just the day before I had to leave. She played this song. “That’s your song. From Niko to you.” She said to me since the first time she introduced me to Kingston Wall. Hey, don’t leave me here, I can’t stand it if you go. And again I am back in Mexico! How come? I had to leave. You know, this is the first dark cloud we have to defeat and we will, I know. “Possibly cancer.” What will I do? Now I won’t be surprised, when I open my eyes and I see what it’s like to realize that we’re two of a kind. We flow, my love. What awaits? Will I see you here? Will I see you there? When will I see you? And when will you call? And what will I do? For the first time in my life, in my uncertain, nomadic life, I can, I dare to challenge the uncertainty of destiny. I know we will go through it all whatever it’ll be, since the goal is clear. Thank you, my love, for the certainty, first time I ever see a certain path and destination.

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November [“A minute to breathe”, Trent Reznor & Atticus Ros]

Day of the Dead in Mexico. We wait, we pray for the rain. I have always loved that yearly reminder that we are just here for a while. What unite us all no matter what religion, profession, political party, race, whatever label you want to defend is (We try, we deny to believe) that we will all end up as white skeletons. We find in time, we’re the same. This ride in this life is just a blink, just a taste. I don’t want to say goodbye. “What am I doing here without you?” I could only think. “I feel so fragile”. Time passed by: minutes that became hours, hours that became days, a couple of weeks. Too late look you in the eye and realize. I published some of the odysseys of the year on social media as I usually do: by the end of the year when I am no longer busy living my life. We’ll all be judged by what we leave behind And Gosh did I feel heavy! So heavy! I just need a minute to breathe. So much lighter just to live, to be out there in the real world. (Life is so short!) Thank you for all our dreams out of the virtual realm.

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December [“O Superman”, Laurie Anderson]

O Superman! AI, tons of videos swarming all around me. “In case I was not feeling alienated enough.” Ah, ah, ah, ah. Is there anything real that I can come across out there? How does it feel that somebody else thinks for you? Nausea. Sure I don’t mind if someone sorts out boring things for me, but the very creative process of thinking, of building up an idea, of weaving a text? Nausea. And the voice said… What is real, my love? What is real? Are you real? Are we? There’s so much fake out there and soon it’ll take over (if it hasn’t already), let’s get out of here, my love. Let’s open our wings and fly high and far away from it all! You can come as you are, play as you go. I wonder now if you can take my darkness too. Thank you, my love, because I know you do.

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Looking forward to seeing you soon.

Always yours,

Laura