I’m Having a Record Year

January

Two weeks. Everything fell apart in two weeks. Really it had been longer than that. But from “I think we’d be better as friends” to “I guess we’re done then” took two weeks. And the year had just started. So I killed a box of tissues as I packed (and stole one or two to take with me) and cozied up on the couch where dragons and fae and shadow singers consoled me. My ring broke on Nee Years Night and someone told me it was a bad omen. I don’t normally believe in that sort of thing, but it was a little too coincidental for my taste. Now here we are…you asked for it.

“I broke her heart thinking freedom would set me free/Well, sometimes things ain't what you think they're gonna be…be careful what you wish for” - Luke Combs

February

I’ve spent more than enough time crying at this point. If I don’t get out of the house I’m just going to continue feeling terrible and I don’t need that. I have my own friends to go out with and enough confidence to go out by myself if I feel like it. And now nobody can give me any kind of problems for what I’m wearing or who I’m talking to or how much I’m enjoying myself. Cheers to just being me.

“I can take myself dancing/And I can hold my own hand/Yeah, I can love me better than you can” - Miley Cyrus

March

It’s supposed to be my favorite time of year. Busy season playing music and dancing, it’s always amazing. Except that we’re at odds all the time when we should be raising a pint with our friends in the crowd. I keep telling everyone it’s my Stevie Nicks Era except I’m not making you sing songs about a new guy. I can do this, I can make it. But it seems like you can’t. And I’ve started moving on. Not completely, but just a little. Just enough that there’s a bit of light coming just as spring melts away the cold and dark of a terrible winter.

“Oh, my life is changing everyday/In every possible way/And oh, my dreams/It's never quite as it seems” - The Cranberries

April

Nothing I do or say seems to be good enough for anyone. “Grade faster”, “can we try this again? What do you mean no?”, “why are you still talking to him?”, “when are you going to stop drinking?”, “why don’t you have more free time?”. It’s exhausting to deal with everyone. Except you, who finally came into my life and love me anyway even after a quarter century of just watching from a distance. And I’m so glad I got some of my taste in music from you.

“The writing on the wall/Looks just like my own/Says it’s all my fault/That I’ll have to be alone/But that’s not who I am” - The Narrowbacks

May

The school year comes to a close and it’s time for new beginnings. For sun, for side jobs, for music, for dancing, for things that actually make me happy. The hard part has to be over now, right?

“Come on now, let's fix this mess/We could get better/Because we're not dead yet” - Frank Turner

June

It takes much too much effort to keep caring what you think about what I’m doing. It’s summer, I have a new job, and it’s time to enjoy myself. I’m going to festivals, I’m going out dancing, I’m sitting on the beach with a beer and a book. This is my time.

“The river was rolling/I was getting my float on/She was telling me so long/I was on a boat that day” - Old Dominion

July

I never expected this. Don’t mix work and pleasure, they say. And I never intended to. But here we are…”let’s go for a beer” we said. And now it’s been four beers and they’re closing the bar. But you have drinks at home if I’d like to come over. So we’re sitting in your basement having “one more”, talking about my old race times on MileSplit and bonding over our shared obsession with Steve Prefontaine. And now it’s 6am and we’re tangled up on your couch and I’m really glad that I’m house sitting so I don’t need to explain to anyone why I’m coming home so late (or so early, really). There’s no one else I’d rather sit with in a parking lot in the rain listening to a concert neither of us can afford. No one else I’d rather walk half a mile to a bar with only to find out that they closed early because it’s Sunday and we had no idea because neither of us will be on a normal sleep schedule for another month. I just wish it could have lasted a little longer than closing time.

“Why's love always feel like a fever dream?/In The Great American Bar Scene” - Zach Bryan

August

Spring turned to summer, and summer to fall. Back to work, back to routine, back to a strict schedule of not sleeping because of too many commitments as opposed to not sleeping from staying out until ungodly hours. It was beach trips, road trips, concerts and bars. It was creating new memories and embracing the nostalgia for old ones. It was the best sort of holiday.

“It’s something unpredictable/But in the end it’s right/I hope you’ve had the time of your life” - Green Day

September

I’m on top of the world. I’ve said my piece and it’s over, and we seem to be okay enough that festival season will be fine. But little did I know it was all an act, and everything would come crashing down as soon as the roar of the crowd fades. Nothing gold can stay, it seems.

“And I only kept the book/To set fire to the pages/Now I'm burning down the story of my life/Just to watch the fire” - Dashboard Confessional, Boys Like Girls

October

This should have been an April problem. It’s ridiculous to me to think that you’ve waited this long to decide you need space. We can’t be professionals and just work together anyway? I have to be completely out of every aspect of your life 10 months later? You chose this, remember. This was what you wanted. Why am I still being hurt? I suppose it could be worse. I have so many opportunities in front of me…it’s time to take them.

“I really know that things are better off this way…I’ll keep moving on and I’ll try to start a new image of myself with better parts” - Birmingham Six

November

“Grade faster”, “how’s your training going?”, “you’re burning the candle at both ends”, “obviously you must be seeing someone new”, “we expect you to attend this event with us, you can’t skip out on family”, “when are you going to buy a house?”, “when are you going to find someone and get married? You’re running out of time for children”…Tis the season I suppose. Does it eventually stop? It has to stop…it has to.

“Jessica's so burnt out, she's filled with all this doubt/Adderall can't shake the smile she learned to fake/Drowning in student debt/Wish that she could go back/Life was so simple then/Now what's her age again?” - davvn, Bowling for Soup

December

You’re not going to take this away from me. Disrespect? Oh yes, how dare I stand up for others who are being hurt and disrespected themselves. For those who are here because they love this crazy thing we’re involved in but don’t have buckets of money to spend on it. It’s Christmas season for Christ’s sake. And how dare I work to better the dancers who ask for help, how dare I act as a positive role model for them. How dare I inspire the next generation to keep dancing. I can’t wait to look down from the podium wearing another team’s colors and say that I did this myself with the help of people who were actually willing to support me.

“One thing I'm never gonna do/Is throw away my dancin' shoes…We've already wasted enough time/I'm never gonna not dance again” - P!nk

A Year In Review

Someone at work asked me a few weeks ago for my “2024 Wrapped” like on Spotify; what were the top five events that happened to me this year? “Well, the breakup in January for one. Then hanging out with Boys Line Girls, but wait that was after meeting my father for the first time. Then I got kicked out of my dance school…but I also pseudo got kicked out of my band…” my coworker was mind blown. How could all of these things have happened in the span of one year? I suppose that’s just how life shakes out sometimes. “Hardest battles to the strongest warriors”, or something like that. But the one constant for me was the music. Through the excitement and the heartbreak, music was always there. It really was a Record Year.