How music saved me in 2020

The year didn't start off brilliantly well for me. Even before Covid hit us here in the UK.

My partner and I split up by the end of January. While it felt like a relief at the time, I still faced single motherhood raising a 1-and half-year-old little girl.

A song that got me through this tough period was How Can I Tell You by Cat Stevens. We must've played this song every day for a year to help her sleep prior to the split.

This song reminds me of the special times we shared together with our baby. Even though we're seperated, the song remains precious to all three of us. This song felt to us about figuring out ways of communicating that we loved her. She was and still is our main focus through this pandemic.

How can I tell you

That I love you

I love you

But I can't think of right words to say

A short time after, news filtered through of a strange, possibly deadly strain of Sars found in Wuhan. Having just recovered from a severe form of health anxiety and a treatment program of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) (I was deemed fine in Dec 2019), along came my biggest test. An actual pandemic!

I didn't want to get sick - because I had a little girl to care for. None of my family could help due to being high risk. My ex couldn't take my daughter at weekends as planned, because he resided with his parents - also high-risk. We didn't know then that young children were fairly safe from passing on the virus.

I spent ten weeks alone with my daughter in our tiny one bed flat in South London. I couldn't sleep some nights. It was a vicious circle. I tried desperately to sleep in order to care for my daughter the next day, therefore, I couldn't! But, despite the sleep issues, miraculously, my severe anxiety didn't come back. I put everything I learned in CBT into practice. And somehow it worked. It got us through a difficult period. I found the strength from somewhere.

I listened to Hallelujah by Haim alot during that time. It helped to soothe and ground me.

These arms hold me tight

Old fears, helped to ease them in my mind

New tears say that they will dry in time

Things began to get a bit better after the first lockdown. Cases were falling and the sun was coming out. Spring upon us.

I will always remember that beautiful heartwrenching moment after 10 long weeks that my daughter and her dad finally reunited. Tears of relief streamed down my face as they hugged on the grass outside my block in the bright sunshine. It felt like the birds singing for us.

Say it isn't that hard.

Save a place for me under the sun

I can't say things were back to normal, but we slipped into a sort of routine. Beautiful, slow summer days and gorgeous weather enveloped London. Even though I could not go anywhere, I, for the first time, made the most of my block's communal gardens. I began sitting out there on a camp chair with my headphones, bare feet in the grass, sometimes a beer or a book, smiling at locals walking by. My daughter and I filled up the paddling pool using the outdoor tap and she would splash around happily.

Soon, people from my block I had never met, came out to join in me in the garden some afternoons. We had Aperol spritz and long chats on many a balmy summer evening. It was then I forged strong friendships. We all looked out for each other.

We made friends with a dear 98-year-old woman who, despite the restrictions, walked every day. That's what kept her going. We would sit out together some days and she told us stories of her younger days and differences between the pandemic and the german raids in WW2.

Even though I missed seeing my family and close friends, those interactions made it so much more bearable.

This uplifting song by Sara Watkins reminds me of those bittersweet summer days.

As autumn drew in, things in the UK began to get bad again, covid-wise. I couldn't see those new-found friends as often, due to the cold weather. I felt ready by this point to try some online dating. I suppose to build my confidence and have someone I could talk to. I built an unusually strong and deep connection after a couple of months of speaking on the phone. But without being able to see each other, him living quite far away and not knowing when that would be possible, we eventually ended it. I felt really quite down about it. This song reminded me of that little loss.

I spend the day

Dreaming of connection

Just to feel

How you feel, you feel, you feel

As winter drew in, I sadly lost two relatives as a non-direct result of Covid. My aunt passed away from Cancer as she couldn't receive the treatment she needed in time. And a couple of weeks ago, my uncle too, from Cancer. My parents attended a small funeral with close family. I couldn't go because of logistics, so I lit a candle for them both.

It was a tough end to a rough year. This song still makes me cry thinking about the loss of this year. Not just mine, but everyone who has lost someone in this pandemic. In the UK, we lost over 70,000 lives to Covid.

And I have this dream where I'm screaming underwater

While my friends are all waving from the shore

And I don't need you to tell me what that means

I don't believe in that stuff anymore

Despite the great challenges humanity has faced this year, the love, compassion and creativity I have experienced has been truly incredible. Humans looking out for each other.

I'm not going to lie, writing this for you has been really cathartic.

I want to thank you all for reading my story and I hope that whatever 2021 brings you, you can find the strength to get through it.

Trust me, music helps! I am a true advocate of its medicinal properties.

My last song is one I wrote a couple of weeks ago - again a cathartic process to help me reflect on this year. I hope you enjoy it.

If you'd like to follow me my playlist, you can do so here

Take care, everyone

Candi

At night I find it so hard to imagine

these barricades removed, being with you

on the horizon

how are we gonna act when we are set free?

Only a year before and this could have been so easy.