Hold It Down by Stephanie Marie Music

Stephanie Marie Music has a number of songs that have been quite helpful for me in feeling not quite as alone or better overall. I wanted to share, not just her music, but what it means to me as I listen to it. *smile*

"She gets lost inside her head, Where the thunder never quits."

Ok - so the song starts off seeming to describe me. I am always thinking and can so easily get lost inside my own head.

"Yeah, she walks through fire daily, Wears the scars like leather fits."

I always have something going on that I am struggling with - I have named it my dumpster fire - and I don't mind letting my scars be shown. I am not embarrassed of them as they tell the story of what I have been through - what I have survived!

"When the world starts swinging heavy, She just squares up, plants her feet--"

Ok, so this part makes me smile because when I have been literally swung at, I take a step back, and square up with my feet planted firmly - ready to defend myself. But, also, it is what I do when I am metaphorically swung at - I focus on the facts (squaring up), I ground myself (plant my feet), and then give 'em a run for their money.

"Turns the volume past eleven, Lets the heartbreak meet the beat."

This spoke to me because when I rest between rounds, I turn my music up loud enough to drown out whatever is in my head and let the music soothe my broken heart. Something that I feel like very few people understand, every fight that I fight, seems to leave my heart in pieces as I try to understand why I was forced to fight for the bare minimum that I am often only asking for - not even what I actually want because my system knows that compromise is best and I don't want to waste anyone's time and energy asking for my greatest desires to be met when I am willing to be grateful for the bare minimum after living so long with less than that.

"She might fade out for a moment, But don't mistake that for weak."

This makes me smile because when fighting these battles, sometimes it gets too much for me to handle and so I back off, giving myself time to recover my own energy reserves - and so often my opponent mistakes that for weakness and believes that they have won.

"'Cause she comes back like lightning, Runnin' straight through your heartbeat."

I grin every time those words are said because I always come back stronger then before - and whether I like to admit it or not, when I have to retreat to recover from asking for the bare minimum, I come back with the intensity that I have been informed leaves most people wondering if I have any empathy left for them. I don't mean to come back so cold and heartless but when you tried to steal the bare minimum away from me and thought that it was amazing that you won? Well... you won alright - you won my realization that you obviously do not have any empathy for me, so tell me... why should I care about your feelings after you tried to (and succeeded at) hurt(ing) me by removing access to the bare minimum?!?

"She's a lot - but she's steel. Hard to bend, harder to kill."

I have often been told that I'm a lot, but like steel - the battles only refine me. I have been told that I am stubborn - hard to bend - but hey, at least I am strong and resilient! Those traits make grit and grit? Grit makes me extremely hard to kill.

"When life hits, she hits back twice as loud."

Yep - by the time life lands a punch, I am done playing by the rules of society: be nice and sweet. I will be loud and if that makes other people uncomfortable ... well ... perhaps you or they should have made different choices for a different story to be told - loud and clear!

"Yeah, she's wild - but she's loyal."

I am very loyal, but my heart is as wild as mustang's.

"She's the storm, she's the soil."

I am both a tumultuous storm and the soil that can ground you... which side of me you get, depends on what you are giving me. For example, I have one professional who gives me incorrect answers sometimes, but she manages to take accountability and treat both my and her own mistakes as lessons to learn from - remaining part of my team versus fighting against me. I treat her as my equal and respect her - giving her grace from my groundedness in the same way she gives me grace. In contrast, there is another professional who made a mistake and instead of backing down when told that it was inappropriate, decided to double-down on her position because she is the one in charge (not because she was factually correct, but because power and status often seems to over-rule facts when dealing with neurotypicals)... She is getting the stormy side of me and even if she is willing to back down, I am not sure that she will ever access the grounded soil that I am equally capable of sharing.

"And if she loves you, boy, She'll stand her ground."

This line is so very true for me. I will stand by those I love. I will fight harder for those I love, than I have fought for myself - but I am working on balancing that out as I am worthy of being fought for too. *smile*

"No matter what comes crashing down, She'll hold it down."

Yep. My life has come crashing down around me a number of times, but the great thing about my brain? See problem. Acknowledge problem. Accept problem? Nah... let's solve problem. I have rebuilt my life a few different times... and I continue holding steady...

"She don't crumble under pressure, She just tightens up her jaw."

Sometimes I feel like I will crumble under the pressure, but then I remember that crumbling is not an option and I feel my jaw tighten as I ask my God to give me enough strength to hold what I have been given to hold.

"Got a soul that won't surrender, Got a fire you can't put off."

I have never surrendered in defeat - I am still breathing and the fire in my soul hasn't been completely extinguished - even when all seems lost, the spark is there waiting for me to fan it back into a blazing force to be reckoned with...

"When the darkness gets to gnawin', At the edges of her mind, She just revs the engine higher, Leaves the shadows far behind."

When my mind goes dark, one of my coping skills is to drive. Eventually, the road brings me peace from the shadows dragging me down...

"Yeah, she's taken every punch, Life could throw without a warn-"

I have taken sucker punches meant to knock me out and lay me flat... both literally and metaphorically...

"But she rises like an outlaw, In the middle of a storm."

I have to smile again because I have seen the look of "OH NO - (insert cuss word here), she's getting up again!" Both in physical altercations and in metaphorical ways. And like an outlaw, when I get back up, I don't play by your stupid, confusing rules anymore. We are playing by my rulebook now! And was that storm supposed to bother me? Because I am the storm!

"She's a lot - but she's steel."

Yep - I am a lot to handle for those used to mediocrity being celebrated. My standards and values are solid - and that is a wonderful trait that I have earned!

"Hard to bend, harder to kill."

I stand firm in my truth and will not bend for convenience. And yeah, I agree that I am really hard to kill - literally and metaphorically.

"When life hits, she hits back twice as loud."

Again, if a punch is landed, I won't hold back to protect you anymore. You wanted a fight over denying me that bare minimum I asked for, fine... I'll give you a fight.

"Yeah, she's wild - but she's loyal."

I am wild and free at heart... but, I am also loyal enough that I often give more chances than anyone truly deserves...

"She's the storm, she's the soil."

I am a storm: capable of great destruction. I am also soil: capable of letting myself and others grow and thrive.

"And if she loves you, boy, She'll stand her ground."

For those I love, I will always stand my ground. I am learning to stand my ground for myself too... because I am worthy of my own love too, right?

"No matter what comes crashing down... She'll hold it down."

My life crumbles, but I hold the foundation and I will rebuild it back up, brick by brick, stronger and better than before...

***Break for awesome music***

"She ain't afraid of broken pieces, ain't afraid to come undone."

Why would broken pieces be something to fear? Why would showing that I am saddened by the destruction of the storm you unleashed be embarrassing? Why is acknowledging my humanity be such a terrible trait?

"Yeah, she'll fall apart at midnight, Be a warrior by the sun."

I often do fall apart during the night - exhausted from the battles that most know nothing about. But, when the sun returns... I am ready to fight another day.

"She's a lot - but she's steel."

I am a lot - quite challenging to anyone who is threatened by honest authenticity. Like steel, I will not shrink myself to be more palatable.

"Hard to break, harder to steal."

I am hard to break and can hold my own... which also makes it hard to steal pieces of my heart. It takes someone who is authentic to steal a piece of my heart - and they have to be hard to break to be worthy of holding me because when my storms rage, it takes someone as grounded as I can be to hold my heart without getting hurt.

"When life hits, she hits back twice as loud."

I smile again because when a punch gets landed, my urge is to write. My weapon of choice is the pen, not the sword that the world uses to force compliance out of fear.

"Yeah, she's fierce - but she's faithful."

I am fierce and fiery... a storm that's hard to handle... but if you can hold me inside the storm, I am very faithful... I do my best to keep my promises which is incredibly rare in this world of ours.

"Heart of gold, hands of danger."

My heart is gold: valuable, pure, and shines brightly... it is protected by the danger that my hands are as a writer: the black and white words on paper make actions crystal clear.

"If you're her one, she'll never let you down..."

I do my best to be the friend that those I love deserve... though I often feel like I let them down...

"Yeah, she'll fight for you in any town."

Yes, I will fight for those I love - no matter where I am or how long it has been. There are people who I still love, who I would still fight for if they reached out and said they needed me. Some of those people... I haven't spoken to in years, but I will still fight for them - I am one call or message away.

"She'll hold it down."

I will hold the storms of those I love too. Even the ones who probably did enough hurtful things to me, trying to ensure that I wouldn't still love them... but, my heart is gold and I am as faithful as I can be. Again, to the few who managed to hold a piece of my heart? I am always just a call or message away if you need someone in your corner...

And then the final part of the song:

"She'll hold it down... ohhhhh! mmmmmm....."

Brings me another feeling of both certainty and relief because, at the end of the day, I will always hold it down for my kids. I'm not also sure where my energy comes from - or the ability to keep going when I am this bone-tired - but I do know that my ability to pour more from myself for my children (even when I feel completely empty) has not failed me yet.