Highschool Woes and Anxious Dreams

Music is a time-machine. When you spend so many minutes listening to the same songs and the same groups, your body is memorizing much more than just the lyrics or the beat. No. It's memorizing the feelings you felt, and the thoughts that crossed your mind. It's taking into account where you are, whether you're in the bedroom, cuddling with your best friend who is actually your dog, or the passenger's side of your Twin's car.

Years later, when you've moved onto new things, when you've grown up, when that dog has passed on to the rainbow bridge, that favorite song of your younger self will come across your Spotify playlist. Like the Tardis in Doctor Who, that entrenching melody will pick you up only to land you back into the days where you would hear the chords and the lyrics constantly. One verse is all it takes before the endorphins in your mind are triggered and the chemical reactions begin. Such vivid and sure images will replay in your mind as you recall those days in near-perfect clarity. You can hear your dog barking to play, her young and energetic self leaping for joy when you come home from school. You can see the football field as you and the rest of the marching band put on a show for the cheering crowd in front of you. As you journey back to a time once lived, the hairs on your neck might perk up in interest. Chills travel down your spin and you think back to those days long since passed.

To take a dip into my past is not necessarily something that I would be thrilled to do on normal occasions. However, this challenge seemed like a good way for me to reflect and see how far I have come. While I most certainly do enjoy listening to my playlist from back then, I was going through a plethora of changes at the time. It seemed as if high school didn't just bring about more challenging classwork and marching band, but it also brought about my first true challenges with my mental health.

As a teenager, I struggled with three different disorders, now diagnosed: depression, anxiety, and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Add onto this the fact that I was also struggling to keep good grades and figure out my plans in life, and you have a pretty complicated existence. I was honestly incredibly confused and scared. My best friend of 5 years and family were worried, too. My dog was too, but she was always by my side regardless. Teena was a rescue who we adopted from the nearby kill shelter. Like me, she had felt lost and alone. Like me, she was scared. They weren't really sure what to do, and neither was I.

Although I was happy and smiles one minute, I would be in tears as soon as I came in for the night. It was hard. I truly did not think that it would ever get better. Every day felt as if there was a battle raging in my head. I wasn't on medication. I wasn't doing mindfulness meditation like I do weekly now. I wasn't doing anything to better things for myself because I simply didn't know. None of us did.

On those nights where I was truly languishing, I would just sit in my room and contemplate on ending it all. It didn't matter that I had my whole life ahead of me. It didn't matter that I had friends at school who truly cared, or an incredible family who wanted nothing but the best for me. When depression hits, coupled with other elements to make things that much worse, those vitally important factors seem to vanish. Like fog on a cool April morning, the love and support others give you seems to erode, leaving nothing behind but a little residue.

With that said, what did my playlist look like? What were the songs that helped me to survive those dark years and make it out to this day still? Don't judge me too harshly, but I suppose I can show you. Let's get that time machine started!

Paramore, All We Know is Falling

"Cause all we know

is falling, it falls.

Remember, cause I know

that we won't

forget it all."

By listening to these lyrics, and really the words from any Paramore song, I felt like I could resonate with them. It was almost as if they were written for me. I would hang on their every word that the lead singer Hayley Williams said. I almost felt like it was a personal connection, as I remember I would often speak to Hayley on their live journal community. I knew that she also struggled with depression, and that seemed to make the connection to their music that much deeper. I remember I would have dreams of meeting them, like so many other fans would.

One day, that dream became a reality. I won free meet and greet passes for one of their shows. I don't remember how. I think it had to do with some contest I had entered. It was a 16 hour drive for us all the way to Council Bluffs, Iowa, but my parents did everything they could to make it happen. I remember we were struggling financially, but they scrunched and saved. This even included running late on the water payment, which led to cold showers for everyone. If I had known that this was the reason why we had to do that, I would have said something...but at the time they told me that the water heater had just busted. Lies! We couldn't get a hotel, and made the drive back as soon as the concert ended, but it was incredible.

Although this was over 16 years ago, I still remember so much about that day. I got to go backstage and meet the band with my mom. My parents got taken back into a mosh pit, while myself and my sister clung to the bars at the front to keep from getting squished! The band was so loud, so perfect, that I could feel the ground shaking beneath me. That was my first ever concert, and I was so happy that day. Not even the anxiety could get me down.

Taylor Swift, Self-Titled Debut

"I'm alone

on my own

and that's all I know.

I'll be strong,

I'll be wrong,

but life goes on.

I'm just a girl

trying to find a place in this world."

As this was right when she was getting popular, you could find Taylor Swift all over my playlist, too. What can I say? Those lyrics bleed true. What 13-19 year old did not feel this way at the time? Hell, if we're being honest...who doesn't feel this way now? I'm not even talking about post-covid...but you can throw that in too, if you'd like.

Carrie Underwood, Some Hearts

"Right now, he's probably slow dancin'

With a bleached-blond tramp and she's probably gettin' frisky

Right now, he's probably buyin' her some fruity little drink

'Cause she can't shoot whiskey."

"How embarrassing!" <---- said my thirteen year old self as she sipped on a vanilla coke and cuddled with her dog (I love you, Teena Bear....RIP, 02/20/2008 - 5/5/2021).

Okay, yes. So there's more country on here than probably anything else. That's funny, because the majority of these types of songs have to do with love, sex, and beer...all things that my high school self had very little to do with. I was too busy petting animals, taking photos of random stuff, and writing a bunch of fictional stories that I didn't really think I'd ever publish.

At the same time, I'm an Oklahoma girl. Country songs are in my blood. It's what my teachers would play in the classroom at school. It's what my parents played on the radio. It's what my brother listened to inside of his room. There was literally no chance in me growing up without having some sort of fascination with country artists. I am thankful for that.

(Side note: I went to the same university as Carrie Underwood. That was pretty cool. I mean, there was a photo of her in the university library. Neat, right?)

Reba McEntire, Going Out Like That

This is another brilliant artist that I enjoy. I think this song spoke to me especially because it reminded me of my struggles with depression. Who doesn't want to stick it to that beast and tell him that he isn't going to win the battle? I know I sure did, and I sang it proud each time this song came on.

"She's got her hands up dancing like the floors on fire.

Yeah she's the hottest thing in here.

Guess she finally got tired of being sick and tired.

Now she's looking like she don't care.

She was hurting, Well she must of forgot.

She's smiling while she's throwing back shots."

Despite all the things that were going on in my head at the time, I also learned to be a deeply spiritual person throughout high school. It wasn't forced on me like a lot of parents do these days. My parents allowed us the freedom of choosing what we believed. Even still, I learned that there was only one person in my life I could truly rely on, that being the one who created me. Because of this, I stuck deeply to my Christian roots throughout my younger years, too.

Matthew West, More

"Take a look at the desert

Do you feel like a grain of sand?

I am with you wherever

Where you go is where I am"

In particular, this song by Matthew West was especially important to me. When you're feeling down and like you can't possibly move on any farther, why not look towards the one above? The creator of the universe? It really worked for me. It reminded me to love myself, to love others, and that life really can't be taken so seriously all the time.

Mandisa, Stronger

"When the waves are taking you under

Hold on just a little bit longer

He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger

The pain ain't gonna last forever

And things can only get better ."

This is another song that most certainly pushed me through my teenage years. It helped to remind me that no matter how bad things got, they could always get better. They could always improve. Not only that, but that I would become stronger, too.

All and all, I think I can probably speak for everyone when I say that songs really do have such a strong power over us. Not only can they resuscitate so many passed memories and feelings, but they can also be used to remind us how far we have come. How much we have fought past, and who all is right there beside us even now. If I could take that funny blue box off of Doctor Who back in time and say hello to my former self (which I'm sure The Doctor would not approve of because obviously that would cause a rift in the time and space paradox)...

...I would tell her that she's got so much more ahead of her than she thinks. I would tell her that she is going to push on, past all of the heartache and confusion, and that she is going to be become everything she has ever wanted to be. And more. Keep listening to those songs, Amber. When you're done, you will rise higher than ever before.