Gray and Purple Melodies

The colors of gray asexuality are black, white, gray, and purple. Finding this identity and embracing myself has been a very long, but extremely cathartic journey.

Here is my story about sexuality, identity, and music that suits me!

𝔾𝕣𝕒𝕪 𝔸𝕤𝕖𝕩𝕦𝕒𝕝𝕚𝕥𝕪 & 𝕄𝕖

Gray asexuality is under the LGBTQA+ umbrella. This term refers to a spectrum between sexuality and asexuality, and those preferences differ for everyone who falls under this name! For me, I use this term to describe how my sexual attraction only comes along occasionally, and not too often in my dating life.

Myths about asexuality were actually turning me off to the idea of even identifying with this label at first. Mostly, because I wasn't sure if this boundary was strictly black and white for asexuals. Some of my common misconceptions included: feeling absolutely void of all love or tenderness, not ever wanting a partner, and being thought of as naive to one's own wants or needs. But after doing some more research in early college and connecting with the asexual community, I found that this is not the case for all. While it seems obvious that people will have their own likes and dislikes about what fits them, I didn't even realize how fluid your identity with asexuality could be.

In my case, I am sex-positive. I still feel attraction, I love the idea of romantic relationships, finding a suitable partner, and all those gushy elements of love. Unfortunately, walking on the road to a gray asexual identity was very confusing for awhile. For starters, I was primarily raised in a Mexican and religious household, which presented me with typical ideas of a "traditional" love life. Cultural expectations and religious guilt once led me to believe that I should be a combo of abstinent and a servant to the patriarchal structure of marriage one day.

Contrary to this, I believed that a majority of the population was set on putting sexual satisfaction as the primary reason for connecting with lovers. If I wasn't somehow part of these groups, I felt that I was less of a woman for not following my beliefs or even feeling a high libido 24/7. It was scary, and I thought that no person would want someone who's sexual attraction isn't stagnant. Not being intensely involved with either side, I had no idea how to place myself. Many nights went by where I would nervously think about how my family would not approve. Or wose, how I could make others mad by not engaging in sexual activities until I felt the need to.

But in 2021, I finally stood my ground.

None of these fears felt right, and I didn't want to be forced to partake in a belief or activity that I didn't align with for the sake of pleasing others. Sex isn't a monolith, and all consensual acts of it should be respected. Regardless of what others feel, my life should be used to fullfill what makes me happy. Even though I identify as a straight gray ace, I love seeing the beauty in queer and nonbinary relationships around me. It brings me joy to see people making choices that feel right to them, living their years authentically! Nowadays, I am fully confident in my journey to finding that source of happiness and continual love for myself. I am patient with my brain about my sex drive, and I still am open to learning about myself while I get older.

𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕁𝕒𝕞𝕤

Now for the long-awaited musical synopsis...

These are the artists that have inspired me, made me laugh, dance, and cheered me up on a bad day!

1. Faceshopping by SOPHIE

Artificial bloom

Hydroponic skin

Chemical release

Synthesise the real

About SOPHIE: Sophie Xeon is a Trans pop artist who has a natural talent for the unordinary. She has crafted incredible avant-pop sounds and out of the box ideas for all her released music, especially seen in this song "Faceshopping." Most of her work delivers a mesh of gritty samples, touches of edm and versatile sounds that are absolutely engaging to listen to!

Why I love it: This song reminds me of memories with friends, driving on Lake Shore, and being my full self! It is fun, intense, and an awesome jam.

2. Old Wounds by Pvris

They say don't open old wounds

But you're still brand new

And all the flames you said you ran through

You got a little more to prove

One day I'll give you my heart

About Pvris: Lynn Gunn, the lead singer of Pvris, has been one of my favorite artists since Warped Tour 2015. She identifies as Lesbian, and has been proud to embrace her sexuality amongst the alternative music space. Lynn has released many pop-alternative tracks over the years, and I have'nt stopped being a fan since I first stumbled upon her early tracks back in high school. Her music is emotionally charged, dark, and captivating due to her vocal range!

Why I love it: Lynn brings a lot to the table with her music, and I am always in love with the gothic tone of her albums. This newer song of hers is refreshing yet a subtle reminder of her older grunge aesthetics!

3. Eres by Cafe Tacvba

Eres

Lo que más quiero en este mundo, eso eres

Mi pensamiento más profundo también eres

Tan sólo dime lo que hago, aquí me tienes

Translation:

You are what I love most in this world, that you are,

my deepest thought, you also are, just tell me

what I'm doing, here you have me.

About Cafe Tacvba: This group is a Mexican Indie band from Ciudad Satélite, Mexico! They were popular in the early 2000's, and have remained a favorite of mine since I was in middle school. As allies to the community, they have performed at a few pride events in LA. Cafe Tacvba has even written a song about that may be referencing a queer relationship titled "El Baile Y El Salón"!

Why I love it: This band reminds me of my culture and family parties. It is nothing but a chill vibe for me, even though the lyrics are more so about devotion to a love.

4. Gone by Charli XCX

Why do we keep when the water runs?

Why do we love if we're so mistaken?

Why do we leave when the chase is done?

About Charli XCX: Charli XCX is a Bisexual pop singer who has featured many LGBTQA+ artists on her album "Charli." She has so much to offer in her work, from bubblegum sounding pop to more edgy tones. I love the upbeat nature of her songs and the individuality she expresses through them!

Why I love it: This screams friday nights with people I love! Having Charli XCX on brings me memories of best friends, going out, and enjoying the Chicago nightlife.

ℙ𝕣𝕚𝕕𝕖 ℙ𝕝𝕒𝕪𝕝𝕚𝕤𝕥

My short list of songs, from Kpop to mainstream, to get you feeling pumped, energized, and relaxed! All of these picks are jumbled, and don't necessarily appear to go well together at first glance. However, this combination of songs serves as a snippet of my favoritie artists, genres, and sounds!

Full List:

• Gone- Charli XCX
• Old Wounds- Pvris
• What's New (Remix)- Megan Thee Stallion
• Eres- Cafe Tacvba
• Faceshopping- SOPHIE
• ON-BTS
• Overdrive- Conan Gray
• Mmmh- Kai

YouTube Playlist Link: