Because of You- I'm not Alone

Things had been hard since mom left. Dad wasn't sleeping, he was frustrated and angry all the time. Dealing with six kids by himself was more than he could carry. He was constantly short tempered and quick to discipline. I was too young at the time to understand he was just hurting, bad. When he got married to my step-mom, my 9 year old brain created the most beautiful story of how our family would be happy and whole again. I couldn't wait, we made it! Happy ever after!

I was wrong, devastatingly wrong. The conflict in the house escalated into a torrent of screaming matches. My new step-mom, who had been so fun and loving toward us before the wedding, turned surly, sour and reclusive. One by one, my older siblings left to live with my biological mother, leaving my younger brother and I behind. She became even colder and harsher, refusing to speak to or acknowledge my brother and I unless we were in trouble or she had a list of chores for us. As a 7 and 9 year old, we were responsible for cleaning a house that had been built to house eight people, do the laundry and help with ranch chores. And if we missed a spot on the floor, or lost a sock in the wash... there was hell to pay. When we moved to a new town, my brother and I were forced to live in a dark basement for over 2 years, not allowed to be seen upstairs unless it was for a meal, or to clean it. she became increasingly cruel and menacing, and we started to expect "discipline" for things we hadn't even done. We couldn't have been happier to be given the option to go to boarding school, and left with joy. Anywhere had to be better than home.

"Because of You" came out in the fall of my freshman year. I listened to it on repeat as often as I could. I listened to it until the lyrics were burned into the fabric of my DNA. For the first time I felt seen, I felt heard. For the first time my spirit was able to verbalize, "THIS IS NOT MY FAULT". It gave me words for my fear and anxiety, and gave me a friend by whispering "you are not alone". But the song gave me something infinitely more powerful than shattering my loneliness. It became a catalyst to give me my courage back.

The first line of the song starts with "I will not...". As I listened to the song over and over there was something that stood out to me more than the damage, more than the difficulty trusting others more than "I am afraid". What stood out to me was the first verse repeating "I will not.. I will not...". Those words sparked a small belief in myself, that I did not have to let someone else dictate my joy, or dictate how my story would end or who I would become. Those words reminded me that I am the author of my story, and I get to decide what story I want to tell.

I spoke up. I began to tell my Dad the truth of what was happening behind his back. I had come home to study for my ACT exams and my refusal to accept her behavior incited the longest fight I had ever witnessed. I was huddled under the desk in my room and it felt like the screaming went on for hours. I played this song over and over and over. I made my first "I will not..." decision that night. The next morning, at 16, I informed my Dad I was moving out. I knew he didn't believe in divorce, but I had also decided "I will not stay and be treated this way anymore.". I moved out and never looked back. I lived with my sister, I healed, I went to college, I laughed, and I built a life. I learned that day my life depends on me, on my choices, on my daily decisions to be brave.

"Because of you" validated my ache and destroyed my loneliness. But "I will not.." set me free.