A Beat To Believe In

Apparently it’s easier to see the greatness in others than it is to see the greatness in me,

And there’s no freedom or peace in self-restricting thoughts,

When you lose all hope for the future, your soul becomes lost.

You tell me that you believe in me and that my dreams are within my grasp

I promise I’ll try to fight for you with all that I have

With the hope that one day I’ll start fighting for myself

And seeing myself for what I’m actually worth.

But until that day comes, I want to thank you for your belief

And ask that you not give up on me.

The above poem is one I wrote, inspired by the song that changed my life. “Apparently” was the first single off of J. Cole’s 2014 Forest Hills Drive album. I was a sophomore in college when the album came out. Although I absolutely loved the album and the song, it didn’t have a lasting impact on my life immediately.

The change came in 2016 when my anxiety reached an all time high, it was the year I graduated with tons of debt, no job prospects, and without two of the closest people in my life, as they passed away only a couple months before my graduation day. 2016 was a year of tears, panic attacks, and questioning life. That is when I turned to music, which has always been my saving grace. “Apparently” and the entire 2014 Forest Hill Drive album really changed my life that year and is the reason I’m still here today fighting my anxiety and fighting for my dreams. It's still tough, but I'm finding my way...

I listen to this album anytime I am down or need some extra motivation. In my darkest, saddest, and most confusing moments I ride around, going nowhere, playing the album on repeat, starting with “Apparently”. The song reminds me that we’ve all got dreams and we’ve got the right to chase them. No matter how big or small the dream, this song makes me believe that I am worthy of achieving it. When I feel lost this song helps me find myself, my purpose, my reason to live and keep fighting for my happiness. It tells me that there are people who are out there that believe in me, even when I don’t believe in myself, so I would be doing them a disservice if I gave up. Even to the ones that passed away, when they were alive my grandma and great-grandma were two of my biggest motivators and even though they aren’t here today I still aim to make them proud.

The very first note sung by Cole gives me chills no matter how many times I play the song. I can hear the passion in his voice and the desire he feels to believe in himself and to remain faithful in his pursuits of freedom and happiness. “I keep my head high, I got my wings to carry me,” the first lyric of the song, helps me envision those who believe in me as my wings, carrying me through difficult times. “I don’t know freedom, I want my dreams to rescue me” is the next line that also gives me chills, because of my anxiety disorder I know all too well what it feels like to have a dream that is confined by thoughts of not being good enough or deserving of said dream. It is a prison of one’s mind. With that line, however, I can see my dreams overpowering my anxiety and freeing my mind from it’s cage.

Sometimes I want to give up on my dreams and settle for something easier, more attainable, or what is expected of me based on where I am from, what I look like, or what my anxious brain tells me I’m capable of. That’s why one of the next lines, which states “This is my canvas and I’m gon’ paint it how I want it,” is so inspiring to me. It is the ultimate reminder that we all get one life and we should do what makes us happy because we are the only ones that have to look at what we created for ourselves on a daily basis. That line also reminds me that no one decision is forever and that you can paint over what you’ve previously created and start fresh.

The last verse of the song is just Cole is rapping for fun and showing off his skills, which I also love! It shows his playful side, which is a reminder that having career, money, and other goals are great but you also have to remember to have fun, as well! Finally, the melody at the end of gives me a chance to reflect on the last line of the song, which says “You believe in me and I thank you for it.” It allows the words to sink in and by the time the song is completely over I feel like because of the people backing me up, I can take on the world and that’s why “Apparently” continues to be so life changing.