15 songs to keep you safe.

Because it doesn’t feel very safe anymore. To be young, queer, and black, in a red state. Family walks get tricky, navigating down the streets in our neighborhood. Making every effort to avoid the streets with the most trump flags. Try not to stare at the confederate flags or those thin blue line flags as we walk by. It’s just a stupid flag, I tell myself. Everyone is entitled to their values and beliefs I say. None of what I say to myself makes me feel better or safe.

They gawk at us in grocery stores, at restaurants and pretty much any time we are in public. My white wife, my white-passing son, and me. His black mom. I have lived most of my life being stared at. I have always been black and for the last 20 years I have been out, queer, and very male presenting. I am numb to the glares and stares, but my family hasn’t got there yet.

You try explaining to a 9-year-old, that sometimes people just do not like you. That some people will not ever accept us as a family. Try explaining racism in 2021. It’s just as tricky as going on a family walk in our neighborhood. Tread lightly. Don’t make eye contact. Keep your phone in your hand. Act like you can’t see it. Act like it doesn’t bother you. Because you are supposed to be walking like you have 3000 ancestors right behind you. But you can’t see them. Am I supposed to feel them there?

Because my existence is so dangerous, I watch it on T.V., I hear it on the radio, I see it on my IG feed. My existence is a threat, I see people that look like me murdered. I am used to it; it doesn’t surprise me. Outraged yes, surprised no. Its internalized and the only way out for now is comfort in chaos. Press play.

1. Come with me- Nneka

“No, you cannot take my experience away, no you can’t take my soul away. No, you can’t make me go astray, because I know where I stand.”

I find myself coming back to this song for so many things. The breaks, the melodies, the words, moving me and lifting me up. When they say racism doesn’t exist and that they don’t see color, I say you can’t take my experience away. You can’t take my soul away. I smile. Carry on.

2. Options- Hippie Sabotage

“don’t you understand that I’ve lost time and I can’t lose more.”

Sometimes its about the message. Sometimes I have to bring myself back to where I started and where I am today. I can’t lose any more.

3. Window Pain- J. Cole

“All I wanna do is see my granny on the other side, all I wanna do is kill the man that made my mother cry.”

Living in the comfort of trauma, from childhood to adulthood. Sometimes pain is healing. Reflecting on your own pain, listen to someone else’s. Pain becomes a love language. Pain becomes love.

4. Knock the Hussle- Cozz ft. J. Cole

“You been through half the shit I been through it will hurt you dawg.” “You can’t knock the hustle it's way too strong.”

The authenticity, the sax blowing those heavy notes. I feel this through my entire body. It feels like perseverance. It says your time is coming, I know you’re tired. Just a little longer.

5. Foreplay- Jalen Santoy

“I love you.”

It’s the horns for me.

6. Soundtrack 2 my Life- Kid Cudi

“they all didn’t see, the little bit of sadness in me” “Since my father died, I ain't been right since.” “The moon will illuminate my room and soon I’m consumed by my doom.”

What’s good with you youth? Shit gets better. Hold on. I know you’re sad and I know he’s not coming back, but you’re going to be ok. I love you.

7. Black- Buddy ft. Asap Ferg

“I feel like Trayvon with his black hoodie on, Huey P. Newton, black revolution.”

Because we all need a fight song. When this song comes on, I take back my blackness they worked so hard to strip from me. But I found you.

8. Black is Beautiful- Chronixx

“They never told us, that black is beautiful.”

Because no one ever fucking told me. I grew up hating myself, my face, my body, my ass. Because it didn’t fit into the size society said it should. Thank you. I know now. I see Kings and Queens, I see Gods, I see power. You are beautiful.

9. Get By- Talib Kweli

“Just to get by.”

Because sometimes you need to see the destruction, watch it fall all around you. You sift through the rubble, one stone at a time, one insult, one name, one microaggression at a time. Just to get by.

10. Grinding all my Life- Nipsey Hussle

“Wanna slice, got to roll the dice, that’s why I’ve been grinding all my life.”

Because sometimes you need motivation and a nice beat. Your head bobs. You know you’re the one who has to break the cycle right? That generational wealth, that growth starts with you. No one else is going to go get it. RIP NIP.

11. Hiii Power- Kendrick Lamar

“5-star dishes, food for thought bitches. I mean this shit is Bobby Seale making meals. So, get off that slave ship, build your own pyramids, write your own hieroglyphs.”

Because it's Kendrick. Because he speaks the truth, because it's true. When will black folks come together? It’s hard. 2016 was the first time I was proud to be black. I learned about my history and cried. Raised by a racist system, in a racist state, by racist people, and all of your friends told you, you were ok because you’re half white. Thank you, Kendrick. Thank you for giving the world this. It's very filling, like grandma’s catfish and collard greens.

12. Nevermind- Dennis Lloyd

“Alright, I’m ready now, I ain't gonna fall back down.”

Dennis, your voice has carried me to sleep on more than one occasion. And I don't sleep. The progression, the buildup, my chin lifts, perpendicular to the ground. Even in sleep, I move to the beat. Softer than my sheets and thicker than my hair. My heart beats. I smile.

13. Waiting too long – Hippie Sabotage

“I just need to find my zone; I just need to find my om. I just need to find my throne. I just need to find my home.”

The clap, the snap, I don’t know what it is, but it's consistent. In a life that has lacked consistency, this track directs me. I have been sitting on my dreams for too long. For the last 15 years, I have been trying to go back home. It doesn’t exist anymore. Just a faint smell and a memory. I am my home. I carry it everywhere.

14. Broken- Lund.

“See I’m a waste of life, I should just kill myself, yea I could slit my wrist, but it really wouldn’t help, wouldn’t fix my issues, or change your mind. Cause I broke your heart and you buried mine.” “We cannot choose the things that will happen to us, but we can choose the attitude we want to take towards anything that happens to us.”

Because heartbreak happens. And hurt people, hurt people. Sometimes you destroy what you’re trying to love because no one taught you how to do it right.

15. Zombies- Childish Gambino

“you will find there’s no safe place to hide… All I see are zombies, feeding all around us.”

The mmmmmmmmhhhmmmmm. Something to make you feel good. But to also let you know where you stand.

56 minutes, 56 minutes go by, I feel comfort in the midst of breathing trauma and chaos. The safety that comes with suffering. I know how to do that. But for 56 minutes I do not exist and exist everywhere at the same time. I am home and safe. No explanations, no funny looks, no subtle racism. No microaggressions here. Just my heart thumping, soul saturated with dope beats, the music draped over my shoulder to keep me safe and warm.