I'm very happy with the current era that I live in. We have access to modern medicine, we have technological advancements that make our labor easier, and we have relative* equality when considering factors such as race, gender, and sexuality. 

*There is a lot I could say about the differences between equality and equity and how we still (in the United States at least) have a ways to go, but I digress.

It's hard for me to imagine living and working in any other time period than the one I'm in now, especially when considering my gender. Gender and gender expression are things that have been deeply important to me my whole life, and the way I define my gender doesn't necessarily align with the social norms of the current times, let alone hundreds or thousands of years in the past. 

I was assigned female at birth, and I use she/her pronouns in everyday life, though with those I feel comfortable with, I do open up about the preference to be referred to with they/them pronouns, as I feel this expression fits me better on an individual level. 

This concept of feeling different goes back to when I was a child. The first time I can remember struggling to accept my gender was when I asked my father if I could play hockey. He told me no because hockey was a "boy sport." That prompted some pretty strange and unfamiliar feelings deep inside me. It upset me deeply, and I thought: "Well, I want to be a boy then." The real reason I couldn't play hockey was that we couldn't afford for me to, which is an answer I would have been more prone to accept. 

I didn't appreciate my parents digging the nail further into the coffin by getting me figure skates instead of the hockey skates I wanted for Christmas that year. I even tried to return the unwanted skates at the rental counter the one and only time he took me ice skating on his own accord. Needless to say, we never went to the rink together again, but when I grew older, I picked out the hockey skates I always wanted and enjoyed bog hockey with my friends and cousins during wintertime. 

I stuck with the idea that I wanted to be a boy and not a girl for a long time. I was always a little tomboy growing up. I even played a year of pony league baseball with my hair put up securely in my baseball cap, and the other boys on my team didn't know I was a girl until my hat fell off toward the end of the season. They started treating me differently after that, and the feelings associated with being treated differently because of the way I was born continued to follow me and stick like glue. 

Puberty was especially difficult, as the boxy shape of my body began to change. I didn't want to be a woman, and I mourned the person I used to be on the day I earned the gift of menstruation. 

Over time, I began to conform, as most middle schoolers tend to do. I shopped at all the hit stores: Abercrombie, American Eagle, and Hollister. Hoping some way, somehow the "cool kids" would accept me. They never did, which is probably a good thing looking back. 

As I got even older, into adulthood, I continued feeling this way. Finding myself pregnant during my junior year of college certainly opened my eyes to some things. It wasn't joyful for me. I didn't feel at home in my body. I didn't feel radiant, beautiful, or any of those things that pregnant women are /supposed/ to feel. Everything that was happening to me felt alien, and I didn't want to be seen in the ultra-feminine way that most people view pregnancy. 

For a while, I wrote it off as internalized misogyny. That the way I felt was some sort of self-hatred and that my feelings were a form of self-harm. I eventually came to the conclusion that that wasn't it. No matter what I did, these feelings remained, and I realized, I probably would still feel this way had I been born a man. 

I like to categorize myself as a human. I'm a person. I have hopes, dreams, and desires. I have people I love and people who love me back. I am both masculine and feminine in the ways in which I choose to be, and I don't align myself with either gender, while at the same time, I align myself with both. 

I've since learned that the gender binary has been questioned by people for millennia. With many deities across many religions presenting androgynously. These feelings that I have regarding gender expression are nothing new, it's just a little bit more difficult to explain them in modern contexts due to centuries of purity culture and strict gender roles in the Western World. 

Prior to colonial arrival, Indigenous populations native to North America had been accepting of their Two-Spirit community members. Two-Spirit people were and are considered neither men nor women. They were and are individuals who may have been assigned male at birth, assigned female at birth, or born intersex and they express themselves outside of the gender binary. 

Traditionally, Two-Spirit people were experts in the arts, medicine, and spiritual guidance. Their occupations ranged from healers to basket weavers to shamans, and they lived across many different individual tribal communities around the continent. Not only were they accepted in their communities, but they were highly respected individuals as well. 

An individual, also hailing from North America, also comes to mind. Born in Rhode Island, in 1752, they were assigned female at birth and given the name Jemima Wilkinson. They took on the title Public Universal Friend after "dying" and coming back to life as a genderless being. From that point on, they wore androgynous clothing and used genderless pronouns while preaching in the area that would become the Northeastern United States.

They garnered a number of followers later titled the Society of Universal Friends. Their beliefs were similar to Quakers, preaching about free will and opposing slavery. Public Universal Friend and their followers even settled an area in Western New York, which they named Jeruselum, though the Society itself came to an end around the 1860s. Still, many consider Public Universal Friend a non-binary icon and pioneer of women's rights. 

British-born Jane Cunningham Croly was born in 1829, but she traveled across the pond with her family at 12 years of age. During her time in America, she became an author and journalist responsible for pushing social issues regarding women's rights. She ended up marrying in 1856, but she continued to pursue her career despite having children, which was against the social norms of the time. 

Much of her work was dedicated to pushing forward equality between the sexes, and she criticized the ways in which women were expected to act and dress based on societal norms. At the time, there were only a number of career fields open for women to join, and she pushed back against that notion to open up more opportunities. Though there is no evidence of her being non-binary or gender non-conforming, her work made waves in terms of equality between the sexes and blurred the lines of gendered expectations. 

Considering everything from my personal past to the history outlined in this piece, I probably would be doing much of the same that I do now had I been born at any point in the past. At the end of the day, I consider myself an artist. I'm also a parent and an activist and a person who cares deeply about the world around them. 

Much like Two-Spirit people, I would be myself and contribute to society in the ways in which I am able. Much like Public Universal Friend, I would encourage people to do what they wish with their lives and speak out against inequalities. Much like Jane Cunningham Croly, I would write to my heart's content about topics that matter deeply to me in an effort to change the minds of a close-minded society. 

Whether I lived in Ancient Rome, Medieval Europe, or through the American Revolution, I would be authentically me and thrive in the fact that I do know who I am, regardless of if others decide to accept that or not. 

Monika Kozub

Gender Bending

A personal essay on gender roles in history.

I'm very happy with the current era that I live in. We have access to modern medicine, we have technological advancements that make our labor easier, and we have relative* equality when considering factors such as race, gender, and sexuality. 



Gender Bending

A personal essay on gender roles in history.

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Concepting Consciousness

Gender Bending

A personal essay on gender roles in history.

This is an Exclusive Story for supporters of .css-13w9qce-Text{display:inline-block;color:var(--text-accent);}Ashley Lima

About the Creator

Ashley Lima

Comments (3)

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Concepting Consciousness

This is an Exclusive Story for supporters of Ashley Lima