Silly Me

Okay, let’s see: $ILLyM3. Oh no, I need at least eight characters, and this password is registering as "medium" risk. Let’s try this again: 1@mSILLym3. There, that should do it, and I can remember that "I am silly me."

Hi, my name is Silly Me, and I really, I mean really, hate setting up passwords. This is especially troubling for me because every merchant’s site that I visit requires that I create an account. The number of accounts I have across the plethora of businesses, to include the ones that I randomly shop at, really boggles my mind. All I want is that one product, and I will never visit that site again. But it seems these days that it is standard for every business to have an app or membership site. It’s such a hassle!

I’ve done everything right. Well, at least I did what I understood to do, like store all my passwords in a Word document in a central location on my C: drive labeled "Passwords" for my personal ease of access. Don’t get me wrong; I haven't just thrown caution to the wind. I've applied a lot of time and attention-to-detail to list all my accounts by name, website, username, and password. This is not the mark of a sloth; it's the mark of a perfectionist, and I now employ a keen level of execution to ensure I use the right username and password for its corresponding website.

The reason I’ve done this is because, in the past, I’ve fat-fingered the wrong username or password on a site. Now, that was a bad day for this guy. I was on the phone trying to explain that I am who I say that I am and just needed my account reactivated so I could resume, you guessed it, my mundane search and maybe the purchase of a product or service.

Allow me to elaborate. Just the other day, I was on the phone with a customer service representative from "BLEEP." Oh, you bleeped out the name of the company. I get it; there's no need to bring unnecessary attention to that over-the-top company. Well, anyhow, this was my third time having an account lock, so I was required to send in a copy of my driver’s license and my passport, which took me like three hours to find. When I sent it in, I had to wait like an entire day before someone got back to me. When they did, I was advised that I needed to send another form of ID. The reason: My archaic scanner did not do a good job with the resolution, and what they received looked forged.

By this time, I was fed up. No, I was fuming! I asked to speak with the manager's manager until I was connected with the Vice President of Customer Relations. Can you believe it? I had to go through five, no, six managers to get to the top, and I let him have it!

First off, I asked, "What ever happened to the availability of speaking with a human being as opposed to some artificial intelligence operator?” I went on to exclaim that I accidentally sneezed, and the AI operator transferred me to billing. I then had to tolerate the verbose chattering of the AI operator for billing. After getting the runaround from the AI for five minutes, I hung up and called back so I could find a way to speak with a human being.

Well, talking to a human being these days seems just as worthless. It took over 45 minutes of me waiting on the line to talk to someone. And all they did was place me on hold and transfer me to another department. From the time of the connection of my call to the time I was finally transferred to someone in power, I listened to sappy lounge music for one hour and six minutes, and that’s after I started timing the call.

The VP of Customer Relations then placed me on hold for a few minutes and came back on the line, thanking me for my patience. I went on to explain to him my world-wind journey to speak with him and that I needed help with my account. I know it was my fault for either putting in the wrong username or password, but why in the heck should I need to do that just to buy a simple "bleep"? Oh, I got bleeped again. I guess that "bleep" is one of the company’s flagship products.

Okay, if it seems like I am rambling, it’s because I am not good with technology. I try—I mean, I really try—to keep up with the times. But it’s just gotten out of hand with managing all these accounts for the purchase of simple products and services.

The whole time, the VP allowed me to talk his ear off, and I thought I had him right where I wanted him to get the help I needed. With reassuring "Um-hmms" and "Okays," he let me talk until I was blue in the face. I talked so much that I wore myself out. After my great oration, I paused and asked, "Are you still there?" He replied that he was. I then asked, "Well, what can you do for me?" He replied that everything that I’ve endured did not require a call to talk to anyone. I was shocked and in disbelief. I replied, asking, "How in the world do you expect me to fix this problem without calling someone?" "I can’t get into my account, so you tell me right now what I am supposed to do!" The VP gave me a reply that would leave me completely stunned and having to rethink every action I’ve taken on a computer. He simply replied, "Reset your password."

Holding the phone to my ear (yes, I still have a house phone), I looked at the site on my computer screen, and there it was right before my eyes in neon colors: "Reset Your Password." In that moment, all I could do was let out a slight grunt and sit in the silence of my own stupidity. The VP then asked me if I was still there. I said I was here. He then asked if he could assist me further. I told him I'd made enough of a fool of myself today and politely ended the call. After the call, I completed the task in maybe three minutes. That was all it took.

As I reflect, it is apparent that I am not only missing a few screws but also need to get with the times. Cyberattacks are on the rise, and hackers have become exceptionally sophisticated these days. If there is no other lesson I can provide, remember to reset your password. It will save your ego from being crushed like a beer can being run over by a Ford F-150. Believe me, I know. I have the VP of Customer Relations to thank for straightening me out.

Respectfully,

Silly Me