Reset the password

2023; a new year and already the same story.

I am so tired.

Mentally, emotionally, financially; exhausted.

I try so hard, but nothing gets better.

I feel like I am constantly jumping through hoops for everyone; and yet, no one recognizes, appreciates, or reciprocates.

I know it is not about that.

“Your reward will be in Heaven.” That’s what mom always says. That’s easy for her. She is not the one killing herself for everyone. She is not the one killing herself to be seen; to be loved; to be someone’s first thought. She is not the one waiting for someone to jump through hoops for her; because we already do. Once she chose the path, she never accepted anything less.

I want to be the one holding the power and being showered with gifts and love and comfortable freedom.

Selfish?

Probably.

I don’t know, and I don’t know how to know. I don’t know if I care. I know I’m trying hard not to care. I want to try hard to stand up for myself, but who pays when I stop jumping?

This year has to be different. I cannot do this again; but, what happens when I reset the password?

Do I forget?... all the times I feel like I have been overlooked?

Do I forget?... all the times when I gave so much more than I felt I got in return?

There are those… those who if I were to really try; I could cut out of my life pretty much all together. Does that bring happiness?

There are those who have hurt me so much that it is what I have come to expect and I am more or less numb to their oversight. I limit my exposure and I can get along for a pretty long stretch without feeling the pain that their blindness causes. I do what they expect of me and it will all pass, just like a summer storm.

Then there are my children. Children are not supposed to see you. They are not supposed to know the hoops. They are not supposed to know the pain. Someday when they are much older, they may see it. They may appreciate and acknowledge, but they did not choose to be here and I cannot expect or penalize them if they do not appreciate me the way I see fit. I cannot expect them to appreciate the lengths I go to in attempts to make them happy. It kills me that I have so many limitations; that I cannot help them and give them everything they think they need or want. It kills me that they cannot be happy and carefree for now, until they are on their own. Maybe I was wrong in being brutally honest and open and exposing them to the harsh realities of my life. I have done my best; what I thought was right, but perhaps I failed them; and worse yet… continue to fail them.

When the divorce first happened, after 25 years together, 20 of those married; when it fell apart, I spun out. I was hurt and angry and reckless; and yet, I pathetically groveled and begged him to realize his mistake. I begged for another chance. I caved to his whims.

Then I found my strength, a little. I realized the sacrifices and the hoops and I decided it was time to take back mySELF. To enjoy the things I once enjoyed. To do things that I wanted to do.

I was working hard to get out of the rabbit hole that I had fallen into.

I struggled at times, but I was getting stronger. I was enjoying things more. I was no longer letting him control my feelings or my actions.

Then, COVID.

I, like so many others, have struggled to get out of the social, emotional, financial, rut that I found myself in when the world got turned upside down.

It has been too long.

I have begun to wither.

I am a shell of who I was becoming; and of who I want(ed) to be.

Despondent.

Then…

He is there.

He comes from behind and wraps his arms around the withered mass.

He gently caresses and cradles me.

He puts his finger on my button.

I moan and stretch out my arms and legs. I press my button into his hands. I quiver softly as I open my petals and allow Him to enter me.

He whispers in my ear…

“It’s time. Reset the password.”

And I cry out in wondrous release.