I almost do...

He is telling me about his partner, he tells me he loves her to the moon and back, his love for her knows no limits, and the love they share goes beyond the heights of the sky and the depths of the deepest ocean. And, I almost say your name. I'm taken aback by my own thoughts and hold my hands up like I've committed some kind of treason. Treason, because falling in love with you is one.

This is such a dangerous game and if I knew better I would've never hit the start button. They tell us to close our eyes and think of this - 'You are having the best day of your life but you are still unsure about tomorrow, this is the busiest day of your life, and that one day is so bad it cannot go any worse, that one afternoon when you cry for no reason at all, this evening when you smiled at the passing clouds, on days like these, who do you call?'. And, I almost see you. I blink so fast like it's somehow going to stop me from seeing you in my mind anymore. But then with eyes wide open, I see your face in both the strange and familiar profiles around me. I wake up and do my daily chores. Not a single thought of you has crossed my mind. I go to work and see a couple holding hands, whispering sweet nothings to each other. Still no thoughts of you. On my way back home I see an older couple refusing to go with the style of today and manifesting love with their good old tricks. Still, I haven't thought of you. It feels like a personal achievement now. Then, as I lay back tired from the rush of the day, my eyes fluttered close without my permission. And, I almost dream of you.

The attainment that I was so proud of is crushed to dust because by the next morning you've left me with so much to think about you. I heal by myself, most of the time at least. I try not to bother others with the conundrums that my life likes to throw at me now and then. When I'm sad I look for the merriest book I can find and make that book my entire personality for the day. There are days when I'm happy but by the following evening, I feel lost. I can feel the threads of happiness get loose as I try my best to knit them with my bare hands. Now I'm left with mere vulnerability. Even I can't distract myself enough to get away from it. And, I almost feel you.

I feel you as you weave your pieces of vulnerability into the leftover threads of my happiness. You cannot get everything you want in life. It depends on how bad you want it. Likewise even though falling in love with you is like dropping a grenade on our relationship right now I will do it. Even though I know if it doesn't work with you , I'll end up losing you forever, still in a cursory moment if I get a chance at who I could be, I want to be : yours. I will blame it all on my treacherous heart that has no business beating too loud when you are near, my eyes that look for you even when I'm not looking for you, my lips that call your name even when I know you are not in the room. I hold myself from completely falling for you yet every time I look into your eyes